This isn’t necessarily a dramatic and tremendous story, but I do share because I’m trying to do better in social scenarios in the future and avoid accidentally hurting feelings. I, 18M am autistic and struggle to identify when things that I’ve said can come across as insulting, which is what has landed me in this situation.
I work at a fast food restaurant and enjoy comparing coworkers to things as a way to spark conversation and have fun, like assigning people objects that they’d be, and until now nobody has had an issue with it and it’s all been lighthearted fun. I brought up the topic of what animal my coworkers would be, thinking objectively based on physical features. I have a coworker who I’ll call Shirley, 19F, who I’m close enough to that I’d consider a casual friend who I hang out with outside of work occasionally. She asked me what her animal would be, and I analyzed her facial features such as her long, stout-like nose and large teeth and concluded on a rat. I think rats are incredibly cool myself and hold them in a high regard as clean, friendly animals, so when I said this, I didn’t register to me that this would be an insult or attack on her appearance. Her demeanor immediently changed and she stopped talking to me. After trying to figure out what I had done to upset her, I realized that what I said was insulting and waited for about an hour or so for her to calm down so that I could take her aside and properly apologize. I did this, and explained my reasons and positive opinion of rats and clarified that I was not at all trying to call her ugly, and that I think that she has nice features that suit her face shape. She told me that she accepted and thanked me for my apology, adding that she wasn’t that angry at what I had said. I thought I was in the clear and did the right thing.
The next few days, I had coworkers approaching me telling me that she was going around telling people that I was a massive jackass who called her ugly to her face and that I “hid behind my autism“ as an excuse. I didn’t understand what she meant by that because I never excused what I said and admitted that it was rude and apologized, which is what I thought to be taking responsibility. I explained what happened to my coworkers and they sided with me, telling me that she was overreacting, but I’m not sure if I can trust their judgement because she’s not very well liked here. I still felt very bad that I had hurt her feelings and it was clear that she was still upset about it, so I tried to approach her again but she dismissed me and said that she had no issue with what I said. I decided to drop it as to not make a big deal out of something trivial and it’s gone unspoken for a while, but I can’t help but wonder if she was correct and that I’m misreading the situation. So I’ve come here to get unbiased opinions. Please don’t spare my feelings and do tell me if I genuinely was being an ass because I don’t want to repeat this mistake.
While you might think rats are cool, people generally view them as pests/vermin so kinda TAH for saying that. I can see why she was upset. But also all you can do is apologise and there’s not much you can do if she’s unwilling to talk to you/accept it
YTA
You insulted her by telling her she resembled a rat. And then your “apology” made it worse. “You have nice features that suit your face shape” is another insult. You pointed out features she is most likely self conscious about. And then you DID use your autism as an excuse – basically you told her “I know most people find rats repulsive but I find them to be cool so it’s okay that I told you that you resemble one”
You may or may not have understood all those nuances, but you can’t go around saying things like that to people and expect them to just brush them aside because you apologized. Apologies don’t change the fact that it happened and it upset her a lot.
i don’t think that’s using autism? i think that’s just being cool with rats. Definitely not a good idea to go around telling anyone the resemble a rat BUT it’s clear their intentions were not to be an asshole. some things need to stay inside thoughts. but as someone who does not have autism..i also have a positive opinion on rats so maybe im biased
Thank you for your honest input, but could I ask how my comment about her features suiting her face was insulting? I said it and meant it genuinely, she has a very nice face. How could I phrase my compliment to seem more sincere in the future? I also made sure that I expressed to her that I agreed that what I said was not okay and never said it was acceptable. You are very right though, I’m not entitled to her apology and it doesn’t change her hurt feelings.
It can be seen as a “backhanded compliment”, which is an insult hidden in “nice” words. I’m not saying you meant it that way, but it’s a nuance of conversation you may not understand.
Like saying things like:
You look great for your age. (Implies the person is old)
“Your new haircut really makes you look slimmer” (implies they’re fat/looked fat before)
“You did great for a woman!” (Implies somehow a woman is lesser)
Saying “your features suit your face” doesn’t say she’s pretty – it implies that she’s not.
That actually makes a lot more sense! Now I can definitely see how what I said implied that she wasn’t pretty. I should’ve simply stuck to calling her pretty directly instead of phrasing it that way
I wouldn’t feel insulted by you but this can come off as a compliment someone made they have a problem to find something nice. When people don’t want to lie but want to make it sound nice this could be a way. Features suiting a face doesn’t necessarily mean you find someone good looking, but could also mean, well, they match together.
Just tell someone they are pretty. You could have said she has a cute little pointy nose like rats which btw. are your favourites but that you see now that it was a stupid. Although I don’t think you are stupid but yeah, rats are not a good choice for such, lol.
Indeed. “Your features resemble a rat” equals “Your features are what most people consider ugly.” equals ‘most people will find you ugly ( I don’t’)’. Plus ‘They make you look like an animal that most people find disgusting (I don’t)’. Even if you were the love of her life (**not** to be confused with **your** feelings for her) that would be too hard to swallow.
After this public humiliation -however it was meant, it was a public humiliation- the only thing that **might** improve matters would be an even public and maybe over-the-top praising of her as a person, character and appearance, and take-down of yourself, without making excuses. Because by now everybody knows you are a not really social autist.
NTA. You behaved like you should have – you’ve seen that comparing her to a rat was unpleasant to her and apologised. There is nothing else you can do. She’s the AH for ruminating about it behind your back and lying to you about it. At least your colleagues are smart enough to make their own judgements.
I can tell you what “real” hiding behind autism looks like, because I was working with a person who was reported to HR for harassment and breaking the code of conduct many times. They will not come to apologize to you, because they can’t understand that the situation they’ve caused is inappropriate. They can’t read the room in any way, and even if you tell them that the things they’ve said are insulting, they will not apologise. This gets to the point when this person is allowed to be a passive aggressive ah, insult people and never face consequences, because the company is afraid of being sued for discrimination. This person is thrown between the projects like a hot potato just because other people threatened to leave projects unless this person leaves. And I think this person pulling their autism card every time something gets uncomfortable. They never improve their behaviour because they don’t have to and the system is enabling them to continue their behaviour.
You’re NTA intentionally. People may seem to forget that a big part of autism is logic driven, not emotionally driven, if you take away what people may emotionally link rats too they’re actually sweet and very clever. Your brain works by looking at patterns and similarities. That’s how you tend to learn. If someone’s face is long they may resemble a rat, if someone has big lips and big eyes they may resemble a fish, if someone has a long neck etc etc…
Your friend has the right to have feelings on it, that’s absolutely fine, but you did not mean to hurt anyone. By explaining you were trying to show it was a good thing, however, if they were paranoid about their face they wouldn’t have heard the logic, they would have only felt the emotion. This is down to their own triggers. However, for her to say you “hide behind autism” is AH, autism is not something people are able to use to their advantage in that way, while it can give you skills other people don’t have, it also doesn’t mean you can emotionally manipulate to that extent. By saying this, you have as much right to be annoyed as her. In fact I would argue more so. You have tried to apologise and explain, and she has gone behind your back and been rude. Kudos to you for working in a place where you can build your social skills, but good friends will always understand, and if they struggle with something, they will always let you talk it through, and if you argue they won’t go behind your back. Take it with a pinch of salt. Remember, sometimes people ask for opinions but what they really want is validation. If someone asks about what animal they are next, try and think of the best quality of their personality not looks to answer, eg. Bravery – lion, determination – migrating bird. Elephant – strong and good memory. And maybe explain why at the time. I.e. you would be a rat because they’re cool and can problem solve and I think they’re really cute. Not, because your face shape is rat like. it’ll be ok. It takes a long time to learn people and it can make you feel like you don’t fit in often. But, you do, it’s a gift not a burden, and you’ll find your people.
Thank you very much for going so deeply into my perspective and thought process and giving me genuine advice for the future! Made me feel seen and respected
You’re welcome
Good on you for apologizing but still you‘re a bit TA because you need to take into account that rats are not perceived positively. Still, it‘s not okay that she tells you to your face everything is fine and then goes behind your back. That makes her TA as well even though you hurt her. But when someone is still upset even after an apology they should tell you – or nobody. One doesn’t badmouth people after accepting their apology.
Yes, that’s what personally bothered me a bit, that she continuously tells people one thing but says another to me. It feels counterintuitive to solving our problem if she won’t have an honest conversation with me, but I didn’t feel it was right for me to point out because at the end of the day I was the one to hurt her feelings.
I think it‘s best to let go. I‘m neurotypical for all I know and can‘t deal with people like that either. If someone isn‘t honest you always lose. My suggestion would be keep conversation friendly and hope that people will see her comments about you for what they are. People don‘t always believe what they are being told.