I’m not vegetarian but quite a few family members are. I offered to make a nut roast to help out my Mum. She said oh great, and didn’t give me any further specific details than that. I then assumed it was on me to find a suitable recipe – so I solicited recommendations, order two sets of ingredients for a good recipe I found and all was planned and ready.
I then saw her a couple of days ago and mentioned what I was making, and she then said ‘oh no I thought you were going to make the nut roast we usually have!’ I had no idea there was one specific one that we always have – and she never mentioned it to me. I explained I’d brought all the ingredients already, and she said she would pay for them and any additional ones that needed buy.
I found that a bit frustrating and wasteful, because there’s a bunch of ingredients that won’t be used, and I need to find time during the busy Christmas period to buy other ingredients specially. But I said ok.
Now the recipe has been sent to me and I’m checking it to do a "practice run" and it involves a certain kind of loaf tin that I don’t have. I’ve now mentioned it to my Mum and she says she’ll pay for it, but she really wants me to go out and buy in. Part of me just wants to say, look I’ve got the ingredients and equipment for the other one, I’m really sorry but due to time constraints I’m just going to make a different type this year. But I’m not sure if I’m being ungrateful or unfair about this. AITA for refusing to make the other one?
To be honest I think I’d assume I was making the usual one and would have asked for the recipe if it wasn’t provided.
Can’t you lend then tin off your mum?
Politely, I think your a bit but hurt you aren’t choosing the recipe so you keep bringing up the food waste as a reason not to do it.
Thanks – I’m honestly not hurt about that all, I honestly think I’m just a bit frustrated about plans being disrupted, but yes I probably should have thought of that!
It doesn’t read like that but you do you.
I agree with you but at this point you’ve already said you would do the usual one so you are now the one disrupting the agreed upon plan
Just tell her you don’t want to do that one and if she gets very upset, tell her it would be great to have two, she can make the usual and you will make the new one
If she is the type of person to be an AH about it, then don’t bring anything or bring something store bought since she doesn’t appreciate your efforts
NTA, thats incredibly frustrating and kind of rude, if it were me id either just make the one I planned, or if she’ll buy the ingredients make both and let people try yours too?
NTA. Holiday prep is stressful at times and your mom is adding more stress onto your plate. I understand missing one of your favorite holiday foods you look forward to every year but I don’t see any reason why she can’t make it herself. You seem to have communicated that you feel stressed about time constraints so hopefully your mom can respect your feelings.
NAH – Christmas isn’t like other meals. For an ordinary meal, everyone can suck it up and try the other loaf. For Christmas, people frequently has inflexible expectations in their heads about what something is supposed to taste like. It is not that your nut loaf would not be awesome, it is they have their Christmas experience lined up with a specific taste. I’m not vegitarian, but I assume with fewer options, and some recipes being hit or miss, this is magnified. You have not made the loaf yet, so your mom is probably trying to honor people’s holiday expectations.
On the other hand, you have already gone to a ton of work, and time is limited. You would like your family to just act like adults and eat what you are preparing. I get it. But even polite people may be secretly disappointed. I would want everyone to have a great meal, so I would like just make what they want, although in hindsight, your mom should have been more specific ahead of time.
I am absolutely NOT allowed to change the main dishes of the Christmas menu. There are 3 courses that must be served, not matter what. I would not dare, lol.
Hmm. I want to say NAH, this is a case of not enough communication in the planning stages and now you’re faced with the consequences. But can you interrogate your intentions a bit? You say your motivation in volunteering to make the nut roast was to help your mother. It seems like making a different kind of nut roast rather than the one that’s traditional in your family is not accomplishing that goal, but instead adding stress and frustration for her. If your goal at this point is simply to provide a nut loaf that is suitable for vegetarians in general, then go ahead and make the recipe you chose and let your mother deal with her feelings. But recognize that you’ve set aside that first stated goal, and deal with the consequences of that down the road.
Who are the actual vegetarians in the family, and what is their opinion? Do they like the nut roast they know & love, or would they enjoy a new option?
They might even have made it before & have advice on whether the shape of loaf tin matters much.
> eg I’m wondering if the consistency of a nut roast could be shaped using silver foil & not matter if the pan is an exact match?
I don’t know how time consuming it would be, but is there the option to make both?
That way, you don’t waste the ingredients already bought, there’s loads of leftovers for people to take home, and mum gets the familiarity she’s asked for.
But only do this if you are relaxed about the concept, and can laugh at the NAH communication error that ended up with two lovely nut roasts.
NAH
Most families have traditional recipes for things like Christmas. Changing the recipe will often have those eating it commenting on the difference as a lot of people look forward to specific traditional food for the holidays. So I can see why she wants the usual recipe.
However, getting here was just poor communication. She should have made sure you knew what recipe rather than simply assuming you knew the family recipe. You should have asked, rather than assuming any recipe is fine.
I would suck it up and figure out how to make the traditional one.
NAH but Christmas isn’t the time to try something new. People are looking forward to certain things on big holidays and they want them to match the taste they traditionally have.