This still weighs on me.
Some background: my mom was abusive growing up. It got bad enough that at 12, I left home through the courts and moved in with my dad. That decision fractured our family. On the court paperwork, under “Name of child,” she wrote something like, “I have no son.” I’ve carried that with me ever since.
I had little contact with her after that. Briefly at 17, again in my early 20s, and not consistently until much later. I’m now almost 40. I spent over 20 years drinking heavily and finally got sober in 2018, which is when I made an effort to reconnect with my family, including my mom. She’s closer to 70 now and has zero contact with 2 of her 3 kids.
Reconnecting wasn’t easy. When I asked if she ever reflected on the abuse, she told me I was an adult and needed to “let it go already.” That was a turning point. I realized any forgiveness would be one-sided. If I wanted peace, it was on me.
Since then, our relationship has been rocky, but present. We’ve had family reunions and even travelled overseas together for three weeks. We argue often, usually over small things, but we stayed in contact until this.
Last summer, I invited her to my city to see a band she’s loved since I was young. The plan was simple: she’d arrive on Wednesday, we’d go to the concert on Thursday, she’d fly out to visit my sisters on Friday, and I’d leave early Saturday for my own trip. She agreed.
When she arrived, she mentioned she’d only bought a one-way ticket and would book the Friday flight later. That made me uneasy, and I reminded her several times to make sure it was booked. I thought I was clear in my wording and tone that I didn’t want anyone staying in my house while I was gone.
Friday came. The concert was fine. Then she told me she still hadn’t bought a plane ticket, and now, with prices having gone up, she planned to stay a few extra days… while I was away.
I told her plainly, “I’m leaving at 5 a.m. tomorrow. You need to get on that plane.” I even offered to cover the extra cost. She refused and invited herself to stay at my place. That’s when I said clearly that I wasn’t comfortable with anyone staying in my home while I wasn’t there.
She accused me of not trusting her and said she was my mother. I said it wasn’t about trust, I just didn’t want anyone in my house.
The argument escalated. Finally, she said, “Fine. Take me to the airport.”
I think she expected me to cave. I didn’t. I packed the car, grabbed my daughter, and drove her to the airport in silence. When we arrived, it felt like a standoff, like she was waiting for me to say, “Never mind, don’t go.” I didn’t. I took her bag out, set it on the curb, and told her, “If you can’t find a ticket, let me know. I can help you pay for a hotel.”
Then I left.
Months later, I’m still thinking about it. I don’t think I stranded my mom with no options. I offered to cover the cost of the flight and hotel. But I did leave her at the airport knowing she hadn’t booked a ticket. AITA?
NTA. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. She was planning on staying in your house *unsupervised* from the beginning. You’re right not to trust her
NTA. Is she still at the airport months later? No? Then she had options and eventually figured things out.
NTA you handled that way better than I did. My mother moved in with my husband and I without our permission and lived with us for a year and a half because she refused to leave dispite me asking then demanding her to. Had to sell the house and move states just to get away from her.
NTA. You offered her alternative options which she declined. FWIW, you did the right thing. She was clearly angling to stay at your place while you weren’t there and I don’t think the result would be good. She played chicken with your generosity and lost, but that isn’t on you.
NTA.
It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship i have with a person, I’m not comfortable with anyone living in my home in my absence, ESPECIALLY without my consent. You were pretty polite despite this breach of boundary. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
NTA, but you have no obligation to continue letting her hurt you. If you’re getting something out of that relationship, then great, I wish you all the best. But if you think you’re going to change her or somehow she will become a good mom, you’re probably wasting your time and should focus your energy on people that deserve and care about a relationship with you. Congratulations on your sobriety!
NTA for the follow through. However, if she hasn’t changed, doesn’t think that abusing you as a child is worth apologizing and helping you heal then YTA for having a relationship with her, especially when you have at least one child. Keep that woman away from them.
I get the whole getting sober and reconnecting with family appeal now that you’re in a position to be a better son and communicator. However, your guilt and shame does not extend to an abusive parent.
You mentioned having a daughter. While I don’t know her age, imagine you at her age and really consider if you’ve played a part in that abuse as a child. Obviously you did not.
Please set very clear boundaries with her if you plan to let her stay around your family. She’s still abusing you, just in a different way. She’s still not showing love and respect. From now on, YOU are making the choice to continue this relationship with an abusive woman.
Watch out for the guilt and shame. That can become just as addictive as a behavior, alcohol or drugs. If you’re in a 12 step program, it’s designed to break you down so you can be free of your addictions (with the help of a higher power). At some point you need to switch to MORE building up and celebrating yourself and consider whether your amazing self deserves this continued abuse.
Good luck with everything. I hope you never have to consider whether or not YTA for not letting someone attempt to bully or abuse you. You have no part in that.
NTA. You gave your mom a clear plan, a date, and your expectations. Repeatedly. You followed through on your end, even dropping her off at the airport. She repeatedly chose to ignore your plan. It’s unfortunate that she didn’t buy a ticket in advance, but that’s 100% on her. You did nothing wrong, and good for you for sticking to your boundaries!
NTA. You were being manipulated by an abusive woman who’s only using your desire for a relationship to try to get something out of you. She was never going to book the ticket, and who knows what she was planning to do to your place while you were away. It’s fine to say you don’t trust her, she has earned your lack of trust.
My partner’s mother was the same way, verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative. After we went no contact she would call drunk in the middle of the night and say she was going to kill herself and it was my partner’s fault, and that only stopped after I called 911 and paramedics busted down her door and took her to a hospital with a psych ward. A few years later she drank herself to death, and left a note for my partner which she threw in a fire without reading.
You should talk to a therapist about your guilt. It’s natural to feel guilty, but as long as you do, that’s how your mother will be able to keep manipulating you. You don’t deserve to carry that with you, and your abusive mother doesn’t care at all.
NTA. If I learned one thing in recovery, it’s to set healthy boundaries and stick to them. You were crystal clear in your communication to Mom. It may take several times before she finally accepts that you’re not her doormat.
NTA, she played stupid games and won the prize she deserved
NTA. Your actions make perfect sense. She cannot be trusted.
NTA. I am SO proud of you stranger. You made a boundry and stuck to it for you own peace. This is HUGE.
ESH for even putting yourself in this situation. I say this with love but why would you allow yourself and your child be exposed in this behaviour that even the court determined is unsafe for you when you were younger? I would never let my child near my abuser (physically or mentally). “You’re an adult now so get over it” is such a narcissistic reply which tells me she does not regret anything in the slightest and has not learned her lesson.