Hi everyone,
I’m writing this because I feel completely stuck emotionally and I don’t know how to move forward. I have strong feelings for a friend of mine who probably doesn’t feel the same way about me – at least according to some of our respective friends. She is a very kind person who gets a lot of attention, and I constantly compare myself to the men she was attracted to. I don’t know if she ever had feelings for me, I’ve never really told her how I feel simply because I’m afraid of loosing her as a friend.
What’s hardest is that I can’t seem to stop wanting her. Even though I know it makes me suffer, the attraction doesn’t go away. I feel trapped in these feelings, like I’m just enduring them instead of living
I’m exhausted from overthinking, comparing myself to others, and feeling undesirable. I don’t want to hate myself, but right now my self-esteem is really low and I don’t know how to let go
If anyone has been through something similar how do you genuinely move on when the person is still part of your social circle ?
hey op
thank you for sharing and let me tell you: I absolutely get it and I was once, where you are now and yes, I absolutely agree: The yearning, the fear of non-reciprocation, the melancholic nature of your unvoiced, yet unyielding feelings towards her: I know. I KNOW (\*insert superexhausted sighing)
I think you are beating around the bushes with yourself. Because frankly, you are avoiding to ask yourself the REAL questions and rather stay in limbo. Which is fine – you have the right to emotionally torture yourself as much as you desire (as we all do) but: If it is really REALLY hurtful and you actually don’t want it anymore, then you have to face the real deal (I’m sorry):
\- First of all: Is it actually a friendship you are afraid of losing if you confess your feelings or is it rather the proximity to her that you might then lose?
\- Is it actually a friendship – since, clearly, one on this friendship (pst, its you!) has no longer any friendshippy-feelings for the other. A platonic friendship between you two is at least from your end just a ruse
\- If you actually want to ‘feel’ better, you need to move on. And I can’t tell you if you should move on with or without telling her. I’m a firm believer of ‘If someone has a crush on you back, you would know’ – therefore, I would only tell her, if my gut tells me: There is at least a resting chance that she will reciprocate. If my gut tells me that there is a zero percent chance that this will lead to the romantic relationship I desire, I will not tell her and instead move on all by myself and with sheer force: Sheer force as in a) not hanging out with her if feasible b) avoiding places where I might run into her c) avoiding her as a conversation topic with anyone else d) actively try to find a new crush (!!!) and finally e) have sex with someone else (Does not need to be a new crush. Absolutely valid that this is just a friendly hookup with a nice stranger)
Thats my advice. Hope that helps you!
Yes, this post feels like I wrote it 5 years ago! Very eerie.
I would add on to this advice: do *not* get addicted to the misery. It is very easy to get lost in the potential, to stay up late and listen to tragic music and think about her, to go on sad long drives and pine and yearn. You cannot do anything worse for your mental health than those things!!
Along with creating some distance to allow yourself to move on, distracting yourself is a big component. Don’t get sucked into the romantic yearning black hole; if you feel it coming immediately find a tonally opposite distraction. Like if you’re at home and you feel it coming, watch an absurd ridiculous movie that has nothing to do with romance. Or play a video game that requires your focus. Anything that can just switch your train of thought.
Also, if you actually want to see if she likes you, I would ask one of your mutual friends that you trust to see if they can find a way to ask her very casually and discreetly. Good luck to u fr… I can tell you it does get better lol. Took me like a year of no contact to stop pining for someone like this– coincidentally lined up with me obtaining a new crush and I never looked back haha
Thanks for the advise **\^\^**
Start dating and find someone else?
Alternatively tell her?
How often do you see this group of friends? Can you distance yourself from her within the group?
It’s such a tough place to be but what you dont want to happen is she meets someone and then you’re left with this feelings
You need to get busy in your own life and find other things that bring you joy. Meet new people …what are your hobbies and interests?
Not very often actually
I enjoy reading, playing board games, doing some sports, traveling… lots of casual stuffs
Coming from a girl the same age as you , you need to tell her about your feelings/attraction to her!! The worst she can say is she doesn’t feel the same. Boom, okay you have an answer and you can stay stuck on her knowing those feelings won’t be reciprocated or move on.
As for comparing yourself to the guys she attracts, I know it’s easier said than done but you really shouldn’t compare yourself. Is it common for guys to do this? I thought only girls did this lol.