I (18, male) had a disagreement with my grandma that escalated into a much bigger issue.
When I was in 7th grade, I was detained and interrogated by police while they visibly kept their hands on their weapons. I was questioned based off rumors. It was terrifying and stuck with me. Recently, I explained that experience and said I’m cautious around police because of it. I did not say all cops are bad.
My grandma responded with “they must have had a reason not to trust you.” To me, that sounded like blaming a child for armed adults threatening him. I explained why that hurt and said I wasn’t upset over disagreement, but over the justification of a clear power imbalance.
Her response focused on intent (“I would never intentionally hurt you”) rather than impact. When I asked for acknowledgment, she reframed what she said instead of recognizing why it hurt. I felt dismissed. She also compared me to people she "doesnt like", reffering to how i must hate all cops.
I then calmly sent a message explaining that over the years there have been repeated comments about my appearance : piercings, hair, beliefs, and even my parents, and that I usually swallow it, but it’s become too much. I said I wasn’t asking her to agree with me, just to treat those parts of my life with care. I set a boundary that I don’t want visits to include judgment about my character, appearance, or past. I wasn’t asking for an apology.
Her reply was: “I don’t have a problem, you do,” and she told me I need “professional counseling to help you deal with these issues that have built up over the years.” That felt like my feelings were being pathologized instead of acknowledged, and like counseling was being used to avoid accountability.
I told her I wasn’t saying she’s a bad person or that she meant to hurt me, but that I need space since I’m not being understood.
So AITA for setting boundaries and stepping back after being told the problem is me? Im just so tired of how she treats me every time she sees me
Two things can be true at the same time: Your grandmother is not a kind person and seems to go out of her way to criticize and upset you.
And you could (and probably do) need therapy. PTSD from encounters like you had as a child is likely.
You are NTA.
I think this is a well-rounded comment. I really appreciate how you articulated those words together, because it makes perfect sense to me upon reading it. Ive tried councelling and therapy, the problem with those options for me is that ive been studying psychology since i was real real young, and so i know the root cause of a lot of my problems. Therapists are paid to find the root causes, and help from there, but if theyre just repeating back to me the same things I’ve already done or answered already, over and over, it feels like a gane of cat and mouse. I know why i struggle with certain issues, i just cant find someone (or havent yet) who can help beyond just figuring me out. Ive probably had 4 or so in-school councellors over my entire school life (im graduated now) and a work-provided therapist too, and they all did kinda the same things i just described. I hope that makes sense. Sorry, my tism is immense
I think you haven’t found the right therapist.
Btw, your grandma is still a d\*ck. 🙂
Nta
NTA and good for you for identifying boundaries for your interactions with her. But make sure you set them as boundaries – ‘if you do this, then the consequence is…’ – not preferences or requests for different behaviors. Tell her if she behaves in a way that is unnecessarily judgmental or is blaming, your time together will be cut short. You don’t have to go no contact. Instead tell her, if you say those things, I will simply cut our visit short, with no discussion before I leave.
NTA
She’s blaming a kid for being scared when being questioned by the cops in a circumstance where there was absolutely no reason for them to be intimidating in that manner.
And then she’s doubling down and acting like your appearance, and the fact that you’re nervous around cops gives her the right to say cruel things.
And then blaming you for being upset when she’s being deliberately cruel.
NTA, but I think you misunderstand what a boundary is. You are asking her to change her behavior, and while I agree it should, you can’t dictate that, and she doesn’t seem to see a need for change. What you can do to really set a boundary is to say something like “If we are talking and I am being judged about my appearance or my character, I will (fill in the blank)”. You let her know what you were hoping for and now you set the boundary as ‘this is the consequence/what I have to do to protect myself’ and then follow through. If you say you’re going to do it, be prepared to follow through. So, for example, if you are visiting and Grandma tells you you’re pathologic and need help, you say “That’s a great example of where my boundary is. As I mentioned to you before, I will be leaving now” and do it. You can be civil, respectful, and not tolerate disrespect all at the same time.
NTA but it’s wild to me you’re out here saying things like “boundaries” to your grandma. When the old people in my family are shitty, I was raised to smile and nod. I can’t imagine actually having a conversation with an older relative about how their words hurt me and getting any sort of productive response.
I was thinking the same thing. My grandparents, or at least definitely my Grandma, was racist andmade all sorts of offensive comments about different groups of people. I didn’t pick up on it until I was older, but yeah – we just ignored it and my sister and I would look at each other like “wtf?”. If I had said anything to her about it, it’d not have gone well. I’m sure my Dad would be mad too. She never said anything hurtful ABOUT us – but it sucked having to just listen to hurtful things and not speak up. But that was Grandma… barely saw her and we just tolerated the visits.