My sister (25F) and I (23F) moved into an apartment together in 2023. My boyfriend (23M) moved in with us in August. Before he moved in, my sister and I had lengthy conversations (mostly over text because we work opposite schedules. I work 3–11 PM, she works 7–4 PM) and she was okay with it as long as we split everything three ways. Since most of the apartment furniture and items belong to her (she’s lived here since 2022), I agreed.
Recently, I sent her a message asking her to pick up toilet paper. I assumed taking turns buying it was fine without messaging, like we’ve done before, but she got annoyed because she expected costs split three ways and communicated in the group chat. We agreed she would buy it this time and purchases should be messaged in our group chat after she purchased the toilet paper.
Later the same day, she sent a long message in our group chat expressing frustration about common areas not being kept up since 12/26 and saying she feels like she’s managing the apartment alone. She said she doesn’t want to remind us about bills, cleaning, or supplies anymore, and that she’s moving her things out of shared areas and labeling them. She also mentioned she might cancel the cable service. She said she’s open to a calm in-person conversation about resetting expectations.
I am not sure why she mentioned the bills comment since we always venmo her as soon as she sends the total for everything. We are just unable to see everything since it is in her name.
Here’s the issue: I personally helped her clean on 12/26, but she didn’t acknowledge it. I feel like she doesn’t notice when we clean unless we announce it in the group chat. I also think she doesn’t consistently contribute to shared items she hasn’t bought dish soap or hand soap since I moved in, and hasn’t bought toilet paper since August.
I’ll admit I sometimes leave things out in common areas, but I thought we had a mutual understanding since she does the same. On top of that, she leaves pots and pans with food in them on the stove, toothpaste in the sink, and shoes all around the apartment. I often have to wash her dishes just to use them. I just never said anything since I wanted to keep the peace.
I’ve tried texting her to talk, but she hasn’t responded. I can’t have an in-person conversation because she’s rarely home.
Am I the asshole here for thinking my sister overreacted by moving and labeling her things?
NAH. Often, people notice what they contribute to a living arrangement and fail to notice what others are contributing as well. This seems like one of those occasions.
The three of you may need to your expectations more explicit than they have been. Also, it may be time to keep track of things that, in the past, no one bothered to notice.
I completely agree. I think what really caught me off guard was that there didn’t seem to be an issue until I mentioned we were almost out of toilet paper. I think going forward, I plan on messaging in the group chat of everything I am purchasing for the apartment. I am hoping that will clear things up.
I think messaging the group chat every time you do or buy one little thing for all of you may seem more passive-aggressive than you intend to.
I’d recommend answering that her suggestion of a calm in-person meeting sounds like a great idea. Start that meeting off by acknowledging that it’s hard to keep track of who contributes what since you’re on opposite schedules so maybe you should just discuss some ground rules for everyone and start fresh. Moving forward you could discuss a cleaning schedule (defining what exactly has to be done in each common room, how often it has to be done and how you rotate those tasks). Concerning your shared expenses you could hang a sheet of paper in e.g. the kitchen where everyone puts down when you bought what for X amount of money and pay the difference when the sheet of paper is full (worked perfectly in my experience so far).
Maybe this might feel like you’re being overly pedantic (I can’t judge, I’m very German) but in my experience communicating clear rules and expectations everyone has to abide by can cut out all of the tension that comes from everyone doing as they please and letting resentment build over differing perceptions.
There are apps to track chores and expenses. Considering how little you see each other, it may help to track everything that way and if you all agree to use them, it doesn’t come across as passive aggressive. I’d also recommend asking your sister how she wants to handle bills in the future, be ause you don’t know the amount without her telling you but it is also understandable that she doesn’t enjoy keeping track of them getting paid to the provider but also to her.
It could also help to establish a monthly flat meeting where you take the time to discuss expenses/chores/problems and maybe get the bills done then and there.
NTA but I think a face to face meeting needs to be arranged. Maybe you all aren’t compatible to live together and you and your bf may need to look for other living arrangements.
I have texted her about a meeting on Friday and have not received a reply. I am only trying to make this work now because I signed a lease until October. I am just not sure what to do until then
Agree but I’m voting ESH.
I think you and your bf need your own accommodation
“she sent a long message in our group chat expressing frustration about common areas not being kept up since 12/26 and saying she feels like she’s managing the apartment alone.”
“Here’s the issue: I personally helped her clean on 12/26, but she didn’t acknowledge it. ”
It sounds like you both agree that you haven’t done any cleaning since 12/26. Her specifically mentioning that date was her acknowledging it.
Have you cleaned up since then or not?
ESH You guys need a rota, for everything that needs doing in the flat, including buying the shared items. The WhatsApp chat is clearly not working, and tbh I don’t see how it can work, because people will always forget to put in the chat what they’ve done.
A rota means everything gets done every week, and if it doesn’t get done it’s crystal clear who isn’t pulling their weight.
You haven’t mentioned any financial issues between you, but to head those off, establish a shared kitty where you all contribute the same each month and all common expenses are paid out of it.
NTA – she did overreact. It’s such a common trap to get wrapped up in your own contributions and ignore everyone else’s. I’m guilty of cooking and washing up on an evening and feeling briefly annoyed at the lack of help from my boyfriend, before I remember that he hoovered & tidied our living room that afternoon. Because this is a frequent issue, have a think about setting a rota, a spreadsheet of shared household responsibilities, and a shared shopping list to include things like toothpaste and hand soap. Your sister can add the monthly bill amount so there’s no surprises, and everyone knows what needs doing / buying for the flat and can check it off as it’s done.
Sounds like overkill, but I found this to be a lifesaver when I lived in a shared flat.
You are both being ridiculously petty and overreacting. Could you all pool your money and have a cleaner come in periodically? It would eliminate a lot of squabbles.
NTA. Change is not easy for some people. My guess is that she doesn’t like having the extra person in the home and it being a male might be making her jealous or uncomfortable. Of course it would be easier just to say so but her acting out might be a passive aggressive way of expressing this. She might have thought that she could do it but now she might be regretting that she has to put up with this for 10 more months.
It seems as though she’s feeling overwhelmed and has lost some territory, so you want to avoid the 2-against-1 type of scenario. While I agree that you need a roommate meeting, I’d suggest that you have a sister-to-sister talk/meeting first.