My 3 years younger sister has been staying with us (me F, parents & grandmother) all Xmas and new year, because her long term bf went back to Cairo (his hometown) for a month & a half to be with family. Usually they live in a house my parents own, paying reduced rent. We’re all young adults.
Me & sis have had a few passing little fights since November. Tonight, she barged into my bedroom all joking, trying to get me to come with her for hours of driving to the next county over to pick up her man. Just with me there in the backseat as a passenger, for company at most, I guess?
Then when I laughed back and said no, she switched up, got really shocked, hurt and offended, saying “I’d do it for you” and that I’d “be up all night anyway with nothing to do” (I’m a night owl), and that it would force her to ask my parents (guilt trip), then stormed out.
Like what? Sorry I didn’t want to give up my alone down time to squish in back of your tiny car, for +4 hours in the cold asscrack of morning, getting backache plus dirty & sick from your boyfriend’s aeroplane germs, while you ignore me to flirt and try to restrain from eating his face off in greeting?
There was no benefit to or consideration of me in this request, and it wasn’t necessary either, unless she fears for her safety driving late at night (she didn’t say that or seem to)
I didn’t realise this was a requirement as an older sister. And I’m not even sure it is true she’d do the same for me unconditionally.
My sis and I are friendly and get on ok, ups and downs, but this last year or two she’s had flashpoints of being cruel or dismissive to me without realising, publicly treating me like a loser (I’m underemployed, single, friendless) or sidekick. She only seeks my company when her man or friends aren‘t around, and often treats me like a special needs kid (I have ASD but I function fine), or calls me a ‘victim’ (when I mostly keep my battles to myself…) and criticises harshly. I’ve kept it quiet, but these last years I haven’t felt as if we’re appreciative best friends like we used to be, and being with her makes me feel lonely and unhappy where it didn’t used to.
I worry this could be a tipping point of no return in our shaky adult bond, as I’m fatigued from relating like this, but she clearly thinks I’m neglecting the social-emotional contract and I don’t care about her or the family, when in reality I’d help her bury a body if shit got real and she knows that (or should)
But I need to be allowed to frivolously say no once in a while, and be seen as an equal woman with choices, whether I‘m a busy 9-5 partnered one or not, for gods’ sakes.
Have I been a B here? Or is she being unreasonable?
NTA. You can say no whenever you want. You are not on earth to cater to her whims or desires. Lead the life that works for you and if it intersects with her in a manner that is okay with you, then say yes. If not, say no.
If she was considerate, she would have asked you long before the room barge in. I completely agree with you reasons for saying no. I would feel the same.
Thanks for the perspective, it’s reassuring to hear and I really do appreciate you taking the time to offer this. It’s going to help me calm down and not get so in my head about it.
You’ve articulated exactly how I feel, though tbh I still feel horrendously guilty and mean, or like a deadbeat older sister, and I don’t know how to handle the conflicting emotions.
Intellectually and objectively though, I see that you’re right. Plus you’ve clarified something else that’s annoyed me about all this. She had all day or even days/all week to ask me (though in fairness, I’m not sure how long she’s known or when bf booked tickets, they’re spontaneous), directly and politely in an open-ended way, to give me time to consider or at least plan ahead around it.
Yet she chose a few hours beforehand to bring it up, knowing after 25 years of being related that I hate to be surprised and interrupted or used as a backup plan. And she just breezed in like she knew I’d agree or not fight it, whether out of obligation, tiredness, or just being too taken aback to resist. It feels opportunistic, though it’s not in her nature to be manipulative most of the time.
I’m just disappointed in her reaction and the way she set this interaction up, yet I know I’m going to be scapegoated as the villain again, or called lazy/selfish/a bad sister etc.
NTA. That is not your responsibility.
Ok, NTA because you don’t owe her this, which is valid and fair.
But I’m surprised that you don’t understand why she wants you or someone else with her. It’s in the middle of the night, and a long car trip(you said hours for the next county). That is a LONG time and distance for a young woman to be alone on the road. Company in the car reduces risk of dozing off and inattentiveness, and should something happen (ranging from a simple flat to…worse), she’s not alone. Company is great for random acts from happening in comparison to being alone.
There is a LOT to be afraid of, but none of us want to appear weak or frightened. She likely masked it, if those are the reasons, because she should(according to you) knows you’d “help her bury a body.” She likely didn’t think she’d have to explain those reasons as to why she wanted some company.
Fair point, I hear you. Maybe this is why I still feel guilty? Do you think I should have said yes, for safety reasons, then?
We’ve known each other 25+ years, though, and we don’t really have anything we can’t or don’t say. She certainly pulls no punches always telling me what she thinks I’m doing wrong or how it makes her feel. And she knows that I’m all about precautions and womens’ protection. So why would she mask the fear? True that in our dynamic, she’s currently in the power position and makes that clear to me every chance she gets, but she’s also the youngest spoiled sibling in the family and tends to exploit that too, so I don’t think she’d feel unwilling or unable to say if she was scared.
Also (not venting at you in saying this, user! Just thinking out loud): it’s *her boyfriend* who’s expecting or demanding she make this trip, not me. Is he not the bigger asshole? Isn’t he meant to be the main person keeping her out of danger? He could take a cab, hitch, or have found a friend (he has many) to drive him home. Instead he expects my sister–the working partner of the two, he quit his job a few months ago–to stay up all night and drive alone to get him. I don’t see why this makes me the biggest dick here, and maybe he should be the one feeling bad and apologising.
For your first question, all I can say is, if it was my brother asking me to ride with him at 1AM, I’d say yes. But that’s me, my relationship with my sibling is different than yours.
I can’t fully speak to her mindset, I don’t know her, but the reasons I laid out in my first post are ones that come to mind to me. One thing I can easily think is this: She expected you to say yes without needing to explain why she wants the company, and you saying no tripped her up. Given how you present your dynamic, being miffed could override the “Well, I’m actually nervous for reasons and want company for that” thought process. As in: denying her request put her in confrontational mode, instead of communicative mode.
As for the bf wanting the ride, I will remind you that multi-hour cab/uber rides are EXPENSIVE, hitching is horribly dangerous and that’s if anyone is on the road in the county at that time, and it’s nicer for a significant other to pick you up after being gone over a friend. He may be an AH or he may just want to get home with a friendly face and not want to spend a lot of money.
Since you are feeling guilty, I do suggest talking to her. I would start by asking her why she wanted you to come with in the first place. Go from there.
nta.
NTA. If her reason for asking was because she gets anxious driving alone at night or something similar, then she should’ve asked in advance. She certainly knew in advance what time the flight would get in, so she had plenty of time to ask you earlier, and maybe if she had then you might’ve said yes.
Barging in on extremely short notice to ask, and then getting mad at you when you said no, makes her the AH here. You had a valid reason (short notice, not wanting to third wheel, long drive, etc), and even if you didn’t have a valid reason and didn’t want to just because, no still means no.
NTA. Not really sure what assistance you’d be purely as a passenger unless it’s such a long drive that you need to split the driving. Also, she’s asking you to do this through the night which is completely unreasonable.
Ah, well I can’t legally drive myself (no license), so it’s definitely not a case of asking for me to take the wheel.
NTA. By the way you’re describing your sister’s behavior, it doesn’t sound like she’s honoring any social-emotional contract at this point.
If you have nothing going on and you were in a good place and you told her no, you might B T A, but it doesn’t sound like you’re in a good place, and your peace is worth more than her conversation.
I started thinking about my relationship with my older sister, and she totally would have done something like this to me and I’m a sucker so I would have gone. But then I also remembered that she used to pay for stuff when we went out and I was short, so she totally covered the social part, lol. I was always more on the emotional side (helped her with breakups, tutoring, and car rides, lol).
Our adult relationship is very different, and we even went NC for many years. Things are better now because we’ve both grown and started families of our own. But all the in-between was happening to get to this point, and that’s okay too. ❤️
Thanks for the response, it’s thought-provoking and helpful.
I should add my sister does occasionally cook for us, pay for stuff sometimes, or give me sound advice (not always solicited or wanted, but hey). And she’ll stand up for me or take my side against others when it’s crunch-time. I don’t mean to paint her like a terrible sibling, she’s not at all.
And when we’re getting along well, it’s golden. We have been good friends, or used to be. I guess we’re going through a rough uncertain interpersonal patch right now, like you and your older sister did. I hope it doesn’t come to NC or separation with me and mine, but I’m starting to see it might for a while, and I’ll have to come to terms with that.
I wonder if the fact that I’m the elder sibling but not doing as well or progressing as far in life is causing an issue, like resentment or shame? I’ve asked her before if I embarrass her and she denies it, but perhaps she’s lying. I definitely think I need to work on building other connections, though I struggle with it and always have, not easily finding and keeping friends & partners like she does.
Also, I’m neutrally curious as to what you meant by me not being in a good place? Are you saying that gives me more grace to say no? I’m just trying to understand that point, it sounds crucial.