I, a 36 year old man, am not close with my family, especially my half-siblings. They’re much older than me, so I’ve always thought of them more like aunts/uncles than siblings. I barely ever talk to them. There was a brief period where I felt closer, in the couple of years after our dad died, but that didn’t last.
My older half-brother has lived on the opposite coast for almost all of my life, so I’ve never really met his children. He has three, where the oldest, my niece, is apparently now 18 years old (which is wild – time flies). Could I have found the time to visit? Probably, but I didn’t have the financial means until a handful of years ago, and also, it’s not like he’s visited me. (I do not hold that against him. It’s just a fact.)
My oldest sister, who is at least 20 years older than me and does live in the same state, just sent me a text inviting me to spend time with my niece (my brother’s kid), who is visiting my city in a couple of months on her first solo trip. If it was my brother asking, I’d absolutely say yes, but I have a complicated relationship with this sister that makes me not want to even respond.
The short version: I’ve always felt uncomfortable with how she constantly tried to make her bad relationship with our (now dead) dad everyone else’s problem. When she decided to disown my dad, I was 19 and in college and for some reason, she looped me in on the communications about it. She also managed to alienate quite a few of us during the period when she went very right-wing (think MAGA before MAGA was a thing) and would constantly post really racist things online, which is particularly confusing given we are black. I got into an argument with her about this, where she said some things I found really hurtful, and so I stopped talking to her for a while. She didn’t even realize what happened, and would occasionally send me texts, which I would not answer, as if nothing had happened.
Today, I still wouldn’t consider us close, but given she has changed a bit, I answer a text every few months, and I even got lunch with her a couple of years ago. Each time I respond, I find that’s a mistake, where a few messages later, she’ll send a really guilty-trippy message suggesting that we’re a broken family and she doesn’t know why we aren’t all closer. I have let her believe I am much more alone and busy than I actually am because I know she will take any opening as an invitation to try and force a relationship that I am not interested in having.
But I do feel some sense of familial obligation to at least try to meet my niece and get to know her. But I’m worried that by even responding to this message, I’ll be inviting more forceful attempts at bonding from my sister. I’ll be the first to say that no one is required to have any relationship with anyone, but I do feel that ethic is getting muddy when I consider my niece who is basically, in relation to me, a child.
WIBTA if I chose not to engage with this invitation to meet my niece?
This is a weird one, and I have to give you YWBTA here, not for your sister, but for your niece, and I think it’s justified. The key point here is that your sister is not the other party here. Your niecce is.
You could say you’re not interested in the niece, and ignore her and be in the right. But you don’t WANT that, at least judging by your post. You WANT to meet your niece. You’re allowing things with your sister, which shouldn’t have much bearing on it, interfere with it, and I do think that puts you on the wrong side.
Because OP, unless your brother is completely incommunicado, you could try and meet your niece on her trip without spending time with your sister. You could get in touch via your brother and set up a day together or a weekend or whatever. You could just knuckle down and communicate with your sister to set up a day with your niece. You say you always regret talking to your sister, but also, it seems like you don’t have a problem cutting her back out again… so why would it be a big issue to take that task on to meet your niece.
Again, if you don’t want to meet the girl, you don’t have to. You can ignore her and her trip and be in the clear. But if you’re interested in the NIECE as a person, why are you letting your sister as a person interfere with that.
NTA… simple answer would e contact your brother, ask him and through him if she wants to meet.
Entirely possible she doesn’t even know she has relatives in the city.
Nta. Can’t you text your brother directly and ask about niece? Or text niece for a meet up without ever texting your sister? Don’t respond tho , give your niece address so that she can visit and such but keep sis out of it I reckon
this sounds very complicated, but tentative YWBTAH? I think maybe the best course of action would be to reach out to your brother and talk to him directly, although I’d be sensitive when talking about not wanting to meet your niece solely because of her, it might come across rude especially since you haven’t seen either of them in a long time/ever. I’d also ask him to get his daughters opinion on it. It sounds like your sister is looking to “mend” the family but she’s probably not taking into consideration that it would probably be quite awkward if everyone isn’t fully on board, especially since its a solo trip. You also don’t have to respond to your sister if you talk directly to your brother, if you’d rather keep your distance with her