I’m trying to figure out if I’m overreacting or if this situation really is as messed up as it feels.
My husband and I recently had our baby baptized. It was an emotionally heavy time for us already – we had just lost our dog a few days before, which hit my husband really hard. On top of that, the baptism itself was surrounded by family tension.
Since then, it’s been almost three weeks. My in-laws haven’t asked once how our baby is doing. Not a single “How’s the little one?” No check-in after the baptism. Nothing.
What hurts even more is that they also haven’t asked my husband how he is doing after the loss of our dog. He’s clearly struggling with it, and they know that. Still, complete silence.
Yesterday I had a run in in town with them. My mother-in-law ignored me and pretended she didn’t see me. My father-in-law at least turned into his head and looked at me and then they continued walking. I didn’t say much because this is childish and immature.
Meanwhile, his brother has always been favoured by my in-laws and if it was him losing his dog or having a child baptised or whatever things would be very different. Lots of attention, care or interest. There has been several occasions in the past years that made this very clear and obvious to us.
My husband is very heartbroken and furious now because he starts to realise that he seems to met a very little to his parents He’s angry, not because he wants attention, but because the lack of basic interest makes him feel disposable. Watching him come to that realization has been awful.
I’m at the point where I want to go very low contact, especially for our child. I don’t want our baby growing up watching his parents be ignored, dismissed, or treated as an afterthought. I also don’t want to keep exposing myself to passive-aggressive behavior and emotional coldness.
I’m not demanding apologies or big gestures. Just basic human interest and respect – which doesn’t seem to be happening.
So… AITA for wanting to distance myself and our child from my in-laws after this pattern of behavior?
EDIT: it’s against reddit rules for posting to ask advice on cutting people out completely or breaking up. So that’s why I ask for “low contact”
NTA, and I wouldnt bother with low contact, just don’t contact them and from their behavior the trash will take itself out. If it doesn’t though then just ignore them back.
Thank you for you input. 🙏🏼 Currently we don’t initiate anything and won’t do so.
INFO: How does your husband want to handle this?
I think your role as his partner is to be supportive. You can reassure him that he is worthy of love and doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment. You can help him figure out how to improve the relationship with his folks, or support him in his decision to go low- or no-contact if that’s what he wants.
YWBTA if you pressure him to cut them off, or if you escalate the drama. Let him take the lead with his own parents.
EDIT: based on your reply, NTA. That’s a sad situation, and it sounds like you guys are doing the right thing by finding family elsewhere.
Thanks for your input 🙏🏼 he is devastated because he now realized they don’t really care about him. And after a lot of similar incidents he’s pretty much fed up and wants to go no contact which is bit easy as we live on the same street a few houses apart in a small village. We tried to set boundaries with them before in various situations and were gaslit every single time. So improving the relationship with them would mean breaking down those boundaries.
He said he is lucky to have my parents and my sister who love him unconditionally and we have a very supportive group of friends.
INFO: it sounds like half the story is missing. They’re ignoring you physically in public? There’s a new baby and they don’t reach out?
Either this has been the go-to state for years, or something big happened that you’re not telling us (at the baptism). Please complete your story.
Thank you for your input. It’s kind of a go to state for years. My husband is the less favourable of two. Our son was born in August. Back then it took my mother in law three weeks to visit us. My father in law came by as soon as we were back from the hospital. We had an open door policy with visits after his birth as I had a very difficult pregnancy but lots of support from friends and my family. That’s just one example of a lot.
The baptism was right after Christmas. Two days before Christmas we lost our dog suddenly. My husband was griefing severely. We spent Christmas Eve and the first Christmas Day with my in laws and wanted to get everything ready for the baptism on the 26th because we had a celebration of the baptism and my 40th birthday at our house and there were no further family dinners planned with them for the 26th. When we were about to leave on the 25th my MiL was kinda weird about the next day and when I told to just spill what she wants. She then told us my brother in law was coming over (she had planned this elaborate meal which takes a couple hours to prepare so it wasn’t something spontaneous because shops are closed over Christmas and she would have bought all she needs before Christmas then) my husband – heavily grieving and being exhausted – snapped at her and told her if she had wanted us there she would have asked sooner and it’s clear to him that wasn’t the case so and left. They immediately were gaslighting him again as they always do when he speaks out. Later his brother called him and further insulted my husband for being a whiny baby basically without hearing his side of the story or why he felt that way. That’s the tension. And it’s always like this. They do something he speaks out and gets gaslit. There’s a lot of similar backstory but it’s to much to explain.
Just don’t contact them first. If they don’t reach out problem solved. If they eventually ask why you don’t reach out tell them how you feel.
NTA seems like your husband is the less favorable child of theirs. I wouldn’t allow my child to be around them and continue to go low contact with them.
NTA
Sometimes the best thing to do is thrive and return the energy they give.
No care no share, no heartbreak to bear.
Thats it.
Let your husband take the lead on this. It’s his parents, let him decide. Then back him on whatever he wants to do.
Thank you for your input. I will do that. He wants to cut the off completely
Be with the family that accepts him. Yours. You match energy and drop the rope with in laws. You don’t do any of the emotional labor.
BTW. Boundaries are for you and husband to have peace and safety. They’re not there to change their behavior. That will never work. Boundaries aren’t boundaries until they’re tested. So when you set one. It’s for your family peace of mind.
Since they blew you off in public. It’s safe to say they won’t be calling you. So be it. Let them go.
NTA. It sounds like they are basically trying to be LC with you already. The fact that they aren’t interested in your baby is wild!!! And it’s heartbreaking that they aren’t checking in with your husband following the loss of your dog. I’m still really struggling with the loss of our fur babies.
If I were you, I’d be super supportive of your husband, however you can. I might also sit him down and discuss both of your feelings and what next steps you want to take moving forward…
Wishing you all the best
NTA they don’t greet you with in the street, don’t send messages. How is that not already low contact? Would they even notice if you go low contact?