My friend and I became friends two years ago when we started college and we were roommates. We are no longer roommates but we still hangout with a friend group we became a part of during our freshman year.
I will say that I like her being just my friend but I don’t think I could ever be her roommate again just because she’s a bit messy and she chews with her mouth open. It was something that really bothered me I couldn’t stand the sound in that tiny room. I never said anything because I thought she couldn’t help it. From what I can remember she said she had surgery on her nose when she was younger so I assumed that affected the way she breathes. So I honestly thought she chewed with her mouth open because that’s the only she can breathe while eating (I guess in retrospect I shouldn’t have assumed).
The semester just started so me, her, and the rest of our friends went out to dinner and surprisingly this is the first time we had sat down somewhere other than the busy dining hall to eat together. While we were eating someone said “Oh my goodness \[friend name\] can you please close your fucking mouth when you eat?” Everyone else started laughing and someone said “finally”. I mean I of course agreed but I didn’t say that. She looked embarrassed so I said “guys I don’t think she can really help it remember she had surgery years ago.” The same person said something along the lines of “That shouldn’t excuse her chewing with her mouth open.” Everyone else kind of just agreed.
My old roommate/friend apologized and then started chewing with her mouth closed so I guess I was wrong about that. When we left she pulled me aside before I got in my car and asked me if I ever noticed she chews with her mouth open and I told her yes and it was one of the things that really bothered me when we lived together but I always thought she couldn’t help it so I never said anything. She told me I should’ve said something to spare her that embarrassment.
I mean I get where she’s coming from but is it really my responsibility to say something? I guess my thinking was kind of stupid but I really thought she couldn’t help it and I didn’t want to embarrass her or make her feel bad for it so I never said anything.
Also I don’t see how that’s my fault. To me chewing is fairly loud so how could she not notice she was chewing with her mouth open? She was 18 when we met and no one said anything to her beforehand? Not even family?
Now she isn’t talking to me or texting me back so I can tell she’s genuinely upset about this. I do feel really bad she was embarrassed like that and I can see from her pov where I might be an AH but I’m not sure how I could even make this better. If I am an AH please tell me how I can apologize for this.
NTA she’s embarrassed and taking it out on you. You were trying to be considerate thinking it was medical. That’s actually pretty thoughtful compared to everyone else apparently thinking it but never saying shit
NTA. She got embarassed and lashed out at you. That’s not fair to you, but likely she felt you were the safe one to target since you didn’t make fun of her, which is completely backwards. That doesn’t excuse her behavior at all though. You were being polite to her by not bringing up something you thought she couldn’t control and thereby making her self-conscious about that. I would have assumed the same thing.
It’s not your fault at all. Whoever said “finally” had also noticed and not said anything anyway so she needs to be mad at everyone in that case.
I do think the other person was cruel to mock her when a quiet word was sufficient though
NTA. You don’t even have to apologize for anything she’s just overreacting. You didn’t do anything wrong.
NTA. She can’t tell? Come on. There’s no way in which this is on you.
NTA. You’re not responsible for her lack of self awareness.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to teach her table manners. You kept quiet because you thought it was a medical issue. She’s embarrassed and taking it out on you because it’s convenient.
So you’re both college age and no one in her life has ever told her to chew with her mouth closed? Kindergarten, grade school, high school? bullies zone in on that (not saying bullying is ok under any circumstances yet we know bullies are everywhere). Parents, relatives, friends, some strangers in a restaurant? No one in at least 18 years? So she blames you? Wow.
That’s what I’m saying. I always thought it was a medical thing because why wouldn’t your parents say something to you unless you couldn’t help it?
I understand what you are saying. My husband broke his nose playing football in high-school and had to have reconstructive surgery on nose and cheek bones and he had trouble eating/breathing so your assumption could have been spot on. I just can’t get past the nobody ever in her whole life ever mentioned that you are supposed to chew with your mouth closed and not talk with food in your mouth. I taught that to my kids and since I was granny daycare to my grandkids.
NAH, it wasn’t your *responsibility*. She’s embarrassed but not an asshole here.. who wouldn’t be embarrassed in her shoes? If you learn you’ve been doing something “wrong” for a decade or more it’s not always the most graceful realization.
NAH. Without I will say I’ve noticed among my daughters friends that there are clearly different family standards (her most egregious friend is upper middle class white, so it’s not just a cultural thing, also we have less of friends from cultures where loud eating is normal or a sign of how delicious the food is). My point is, the friend might general l genuinely have not known it was a big deal, so I can see why she might’ve wanted you to tell her.
As king as you both move on from this, no one is wrong
NTA I feel like her embarrassment is being redirected towards you just based on her being insecure about being publicly humiliated. I think she should be mad at the person who said so rudely to stop chewing with her mouth open in a group setting.
You’re a nice person for feeling bad but yea you shouldn’t. You did what most normal people would do which is letting it go as a pose to telling an adult to be more self aware. I mean it could’ve benefited her depending on how she reacts to it but it’s not your job and I think the thought process about her being 18 and how has nobody said anything to her before is valid.
Tldr she’ll get over it and hopefully yall can be homies again
NTA but this is why you mention things like this the second you notice them, so they can’t embarrass themselves.