For some context, I’m a 22F and my boyfriend is a 23M. We’ve only been dating a few months (close to 6), but I’ve known of him pretty much my whole life since we went to the same schools growing up. It wasn’t until early to mid high school where he was diagnosed with bipolar. He’s had only a few episodes, each one landing him in the hospital for a bit but he hasn’t been manic in about 2 years since he found meds that work well for him (and he sees a therapist once a week).
Since we have been dating, I haven’t really picked up on any red flags. He’s my best friend and I could see myself with him for a long time, (I know it’s still new but). The only thing that he struggles with is paranoia, like *severe* paranoia. About once or twice a week, he asks me the same question, "Are you cheating on me?" Never accusatory, never maliciously, and never angrily. His tone is soft, quiet, and just sad. I deny this time and time again. I would never cheat on him. Denying it doesn’t seem to help. I can see him trying to believe me, I explain to him that I wouldn’t be with him if I was looking elsewhere and that I love him, but to no avail. I know he wants to believe me but his brain won’t let him. The paranoia goes so deep that we went to dinner about two weeks ago and I was talking about a certain city. The next day, his best friend was talking about the same city randomly when he was hanging out with him. Simply a random coincidence, the city was also in our state. The next time I saw my boyfriend, he asked me if I had hooked up with his best friend due to his paranoia that we had seen each other since we were talking about the same city a day apart. I haven’t, obviously. I shared my location with him so if he ever feels paranoid and I’m not picking up my phone, he can see I’m at work or at the gym. I also offered if he ever needs to go through my phone he can, which he refuses. I don’t know why he doesn’t believe me and I don’t know how to drill it into his brain.
I’m not sure what I can do to help him. And am I the asshole for not knowing how to make him feel better? I just feel like a shitty girlfriend because I can’t comfort him. In my own brain, it seems so out of this world that it’s hard for me to believe HE believes it? You know what I mean? I don’t know. Let me know your guys’ thoughts.
NAH this is above Reddit’s pay grade. You could try and find some reputable resources to learn more about what you could be doing to help but otherwise I suspect continuing to be patient and open and genuine with him is what you can do from the position you’re in.
This is a medical condition. He needs treatment from professionals regarding his paranoia. You cannot change his brain chemistry. Nah but he needs to seek out professional help, its way bigger than something either of you can handle alone.
Respectfully this dude doesn’t sound like he’s reasonably able/ready to be in a trusting relationship. Has he said he was cheated on in the past? This kind of paranoia is NOT something that will end well without help/changing. This is the kind of thing that leads to people getting hurt, sometimes physically. Paranoia about being betrayed is a pretty serious psychological issue to deal with and if he can’t articulate what would help him feel comfortable that’s not on you, and you don’t have to deal with that.
I recognize he’s an important person to you and has been for a long time, but this behavior is an issue and I wouldn’t recommend committing yourself to that.
NTA. This isn’t something you’re causing, nor is it really his fault either (assuming it’s related to his disorder, and he’s not just the jealous type in general. Jerks can have mental disorders too). You might want to try some couples counseling to get him coping techniques. When he asks, instead of just denying, trying calmly and warmly asking him what makes him think you are, specifically. Get him to focus not on the emotion, but the fuondation. Was it something you said or did, or just a feeling. Maybe get him to record himself a message when he’s in a good state of mind, counseling himself on how to step down and take a minute. I know they’re nto solutons, per se, but might be good coping mechanisms. I think you’ve done a good job so far recognizing this is (hopefully) not related to you, but to his condition. You would also not be an AH, however, if you decide that this isn’t somehting you can live with. You’re not an AH if this is something that would negatively impact your life.
NTA.
You have to remember that your boyfriend has a disease. You can not change his brain chemistry. You cannot cure his paranoia.
Have *you* considered therapy? His disease is taking a toll on you also. You are dealing with a bunch. Maybe you need an objective, trained, outside person to help you navigate this situation.
You’re NTA, but my cousin married someone with bipolar with a side of paranoia, and he never stopped asking her if she was cheating… until the day twenty years into their marriage that he just flat out accused her of cheating and refused to believe she wasn’t. (Morgan Freeman narrator: She wasn’t cheating on him.)
If he suffers from extreme paranoia , there is nothing YOU can do to change that. I’m not sure there’s anything that he alone can do to change that. It’s possible a medical professional can help, perhaps with different meds, but that’s a conversation he needs to have with his medical team.
YTA to yourself for staying with him.
NTA for not knowing how to help him because you can’t. He will be like this the rest of your life.
Don’t do this to yourself. He is a terrible and depleting boyfriend.
You have only one life; don’t give it up in service to him.
NTA but if his bipolar is treated and he’s not manic this seems unrelated like an insecurity/trust issue. Blaming it on bipolar seems like an easy out.
OP, these *are* red flags.
His bipolar is *his responsibility to manage.* Controlling and abusive men never start relationships that way, otherwise they’d never have relationships. It starts with little things like you trying to reassure him with location sharing. You’re focusing on helping him, but you’re not looking at the long-term impact- this *will* escalate. It’s a matter of time. I’m sounding the alarm here- please consider reading “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft: it’s free to read [here](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Controlling behavior *always* begins in a very subtle way, such as dropping comments or questions. But before you dismiss this as a bipolar thing- if he *knows* his brain isn’t letting him accept what you’re saying, he’s not stable enough to be in a relationship. You should *not* help him through this, or he won’t do the work to get better. He needs to be bringing this up with his psychiatrist, and if he hasn’t, you should *run.*
NTA, and it’s not your fault that you can’t help him. I would urge you to get into individual therapy yourself to learn appropriate emotional boundaries.
NTA
You’re his partner, not his therapist. His mental health is his responsibility. He needs to seek medical help for his issues and not make it your job to soothe his paranoia.
NTA, but if those thoughts are constantly on his mind, his meds aren’t working near as well as you think.
NTA. Being bipolar myself I can verify that there’s not much you can do. This is something he’ll need to start working with his therapist and maybe see a psychiatrist to tune up his meds since psychotic paranoia is a definite symptom which should be addressed. Usually psychosis only occurs during episodes so if he’s showing symptoms of psychosis outside of clear episode he might be dealing with more than just bipolar. From my personal experience I can say that some meds make things worse than better.
I can see a few red flags from your writing alone. First of all “he’s my best friend”, maybe meditate on this a bit since you’re supposed to be dating which kind of rules the “friend” part off. The second is his obsession with the question. I hate to be the devils advocate but there is such a thing as projecting.
Going forward you should take care to stay level headed and keep clear boundaries. You need to learn to know when you can help him and when you need to call ER for him. You should keep in mind that there are ways to control and manipulate people through various ways and if you let him do whatever he likes you might end up living in a barrel just to keep him “happy” and even that won’t probably be enough due to the nature of his psychosis. You can’t reason with psychosis due to the very nature of it of not being able to distinguish between reality and imagination.
NTA. If your boyfriend is in therapy, his paranoia is something he should be working on without making it your problem. You shouldn’t be offering to allow him to go through your phone and you shouldn’t have to turn on your location to allay any fears that he may have. I know you love him, but if he wants you two to stay together, I would make that a condition otherwise I wouldn’t be with him. It’s not up to you to manage his paranoia for him.
Coming from a person with Bipolar I, let him know that you love him and support him and you understand that he is sometimes at the mercy of his hateful brain chemistry, but that he needs to understand that you have limits of how much you can tolerate his asking you the same thing and how much it’s hurting you. That you cannot keep being the target of his paranoia and that he needs to work on this specific issue with his therapist. Perhaps he should ask the doctor about adding or adjusting an anti-anxiety medication for him.