My (f 22) friend (f 22) is turning 23 this year. She has not had a birthday party in a few years because her birthday falls on the week of Thanksgiving and when she tried to have one for her 18th birthday party only 5 people showed up and that’s not including her immediate family when she invited multiple friends, provided catering, and the food with money from her own pocket. She has since dropped certain friends for their behavior towards her. They were pretty valid reasons though not important to this. She has a new friend group that treat her great and show up to hang out, are there when things are tough, or there is an emergency in her life.
I have been her friend since we were both 13. For this year even though it’s not a significant birthday it’s a new beginning for her and she says it feels like a “rebirth” in a way and a weight has been lifted off her shoulder so she wants to go all out with this birthday. Catering from her favorite place, her favorite performer who offers to perform at events, decorations, etc. When she told me about this I was supportive and told her she should do it! Until she told me roughly how much this party would cost her.
The performers fee alone would be $605.5 and then the catering would be around $100-$200 if she invited 25-30 people like she planned. And then the decorations she said she would be using some that she had at home already or DIYing them with her family. She wants it to be little mermaid themed since she recently made a cosplay of her favorite character Melody from the sequels and she wanted to wear that for the party. She would be spending about $1000 for this entire event herself. I already know it because when she throws a party she throws a PARTY! Even though no one showed up to the last one she hosted for herself it was AMAZING.
Now…she wants to have people pay her $25 to rsvp so that she could use that money to pay the live performer and take off the most major weight of what she’d be paying for the event. She asked me what I thought and I told her “that’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.” She knows how blunt I am and has told me before “if I’m being stupid call me out on it.” So that’s what I did.
No one that I know in our friend group is going to pay $25 to go to a birthday party they were invited to. If I’m invited to a birthday party then I should be going for free and using my money to buy her a gift. Not using that money to pay for entertainment that is supposed to be for everyone to enjoy.
She called me a bitch and told me to leave before she said something else she’d regret later on. Since I’m so close to her family her mother texted me saying that “whatever I said to her was really hurtful” and that she’s been upset since I left and that I should apologize. She asked me a question and I simply answered with my opinion. AITA?
ESH. You’re not wrong, but you could have been a lot more tactful. You have a friend who desperately wants people to celebrate her birthday with her. You didn’t have to go full out mean girl to answer her question.
Gentle YTA for how you worded and reacted.
It took me two minutes to spin this into “in lieu of gifts, please consider giving $25 to help cover expenses”. You didn’t give her any advice and instead bashed her on her idea.
YTA
Get used to paying for taking a friend out for their birthday. It’s part of being an adult. And $25 is dirt cheap. Apologize and pay the money.
You could’ve been a lot more gentle with a friend with all that backstory you’re aware of. Being “blunt” to the detriment of people you care abouts’ feelings is not a character feature, it’s a flaw. You should apologize, if not for the point you made, but the delivery.
You aren’t being invited to like a dinner, you are being invited a catered event with an entertainer. Paying $25 dollars for her to have this experience she wants IS the present she wants. You’d rather have the birthday person out $1000 dollars and have 30 knick-knacks? It doesn’t seem like you are being a very supportive friend, since the amount of money itself isn’t the issue but you will only support her if it is within a very prescribed routine way. YTA
YTA, there is blunt and being an ah, you chose the latter.
As to the issue, if she asking for $25 instead of bring a present, that’s not unreasonable.
You didn’t have to jump to the meanest possible response first, holy shit. That was SO rude. Do you like this girl at all? Because that’s not how we speak to people we like.
Edit: changed judgement to YTA because people made some very good points in the comments about how it IS actually the norm in adult life to pay for someone else’s birthday. Like if you a go to a restaurant, socially you’re not supposed to let the birthday person pay for their own food. This is no different to that.
YTA you said your opinion cruelly. Her birthday is coming up, she wants to celebrate, you admit her parties are great, and you insulted her while she was still in the planning stage. Unless that’s your last $25 and she knows you struggle with money, there was no reason to be so harsh to your childhood friend
“sometimes I have no filter when my close friends ask me for advice”
It’s probably time to start developing one. Not everything going through your mind needs to be said.
“that’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard” is (a) rude and hurtful and (b) not in the least bit helpful. Apparently she’s not seeing a problem with her plan, so why not kindly explain why you think it’s not a good idea? Or suggest an alternative. Or something else an adult might say.
I agree with you about the $25, but YTA for not thinking before you speak.
She’s all in for putting out a grand for her own party.
She invites her friends to share what she feels is a pivotal time in her life, with her.
All she asks in return is $25.
You tell her she’s stupid.
That was her birthday wish.
Sorry, YTA
YTA overall. You’re right you don’t *have* to pay this but normal people actually like their friends.
YTA, but I think it’s because you are at a age transition time . In teens, parents pay for parties so this would be super tacky. It is very common for early-mid twenties to shift to potlucks, byob parties, everyone paying for themselves (and maybe splitting the birthday person’s cost) for dinner. In that lens, $25 (in lieu of a gift) is a totally reasonable amount for a cool experience. Apps like Partiful now literally have a Venmo integration so people can pay a fee for parties or events to cover costs.
You could just not go if you don’t want.
YTA $25 is nothing to spend on a friend’s bday who is inviting you to this really fun event. You sound like a sh*tty friend
YTA. I hate how people love to brag that they’re “blunt” when actually they’re just being shitty. You can be blunt, (“I don’t think people are going to want to pay that much”), without being mean.
Also, you’re an adult now. It’s not that weird for people to contribute to have a big party. We just rented a cabin for my birthday and everyone kicked in for the rental, booze, and food.