I (35) currently moved in with a family member that I formerly lived with for several years. They used to help care for my two children as well. They were very kind to take us back, and had even offered us to live there. This has allowed me to get back on my feet financially, and I should be able to purchase my own house soon.
When we moved back in, I had a lot of stuff. Not just mine, but my children’s, so I’ve put several things in storage while more immediate belongings are kept in the garage. The rest of the house has their belongings, and they have quite a few things. They let us have three rooms, and two of them still have a few of their things, which is fine. They have the biggest room in the house, and my kids and I used to stay in there until my family was able to clean the other rooms (we helped them). However, I’m having an issue with our personal belongings. We wash our laundry, dishes, and keep our areas clean. I brought a space heater to help with the cold nights, and I first noticed it got turned off. I brought it up in conversation and was told it didn’t need to be on. I thought they were right, until they started moving the heater. They have two as well, so I wasn’t sure why this was happening. I moved it back into my child’s room (they are both old enough to have one and know how to use them). They repeatedly moved it, and I finally told them "enough, please don’t move the heater, it stays in this room." It worked for a while until they started unplugging it. (Shakes head and sighs). They do that when my oldest is sleeping, who sleeps near the garage so sometimes that room gets chilly. The heater in the house works, but I want my kids to be comfortable. I should note that the person we stay with has a heater in their room that runs all the time. The second heater is in a room that they don’t always use, but it is always plugged in.
I bought a second heater and left it in my other child’s room. I turned it on to warm up the room when their friends were over. They all have modes that shut them off when its warm enough. Well, I walk in the room and its off. Granted, no one was in there anymore, but when I checked the other room that no one was in, their heater was plugged in and running while they were asleep in another room. I had a conversation with them about it, asked them to please turn off the heater before unplugging it at least. They just responded, "well no one was in there." I thought asking nicely would do something because I don’t like raising my voice, but they aren’t respecting our boundaries and I did get upset the last time I takes about it and they didn’t say anything, and now they don’t talk to me. The person I used to live with did the same thing (always worried about my things but never theirs, and blamed me for not getting my stuff cleaned because I had to clean up after them). I told my family that I’ll be out as soon as I can, but they need to leave our things alone for the meantime. Was that wrong?
Clarification: Thank you all for your feedback and concern. I help pay with bills and have mentioned that space heaters are costly. I would rather not have an electric blanket that could cause direct burns. I have the heaters on a low setting so they don’t continuously run at night. There is nothing near them, and nothing can fall on or around them. We only use them during the evening when the nights have been really cold, and I check on them occasionally and turn them off when I can. I taught my children to use them, and this hasn’t been the first time. They are almost teenagers and know who to call in case of an emergency. They know all the neighbors, and we tested the heaters’ safety mechanism after purchasing them.
I am grateful they let us stay, so I let them borrow my car while they are waiting to purchase one and upgrade siding on the house. We worked out arrangenents to help each other, but they continuously move our belongings, aside from the heaters, so we ask where things go. I understand this is something we will just have to deal with until we move out. They have a craft room which is where I stay, I told them they didn’t have to move everything, and I don’t mind sleeping without a heater, but they keep it plugged in even if we aren’t in there. I was just confused why when we are using it or we are in a room they get unplugged by my family member, but they don’t unplug theirs when they aren’t using it. They end up taking ours when they sit in the living room. I’m laughing because it sounds like it shouldn’t be an issue, but they weren’t happy with me when they got the last bill and I don’t know how to bring this up to them other than how I already have in previous discussions. Thanks again for reading!
NTA. Sounds like your roomie has a case of “dual standards syndrome.” Your space, your heater. Plus, a little heat never hurt anyone…unlike a chilly family feud!
Info: are you paying bills? They might be trying to tell you that you are driving up bills for them.
This is quite unclear. It’s hard to tell what is going on here. Who is the “renter”?
In all cases, space heaters are dangerous. They can tip over and start a fire. If left unattended, they can overheat, and start a fire. They are often very energy-draining, and expensive. You and the others in your story seem to be using them in children’s rooms, as well as other rooms, and that seems dangerous if the units malfunction.
I think, given the lack of clarity in this post, and the negligence everyone seems to practice, that I have to say ESH. I don’t understand why there is apparently no central heating in the home. If you have funds enough now to buy another home of your own, surely you can contribute to paying a heat bill for the household.
Modern space heaters automatically shut off if tipped over.
Not always, hence the frequent mention of them being the cause of house fires. We don’t know the age, model or type of space heater OP is using. They are frequently cited as the cause of fires by public officials. Thry just aren’t safe to be left unattended or attended by small children only.
Esh. Moving your stuff is not okay but: It’s not your house and therefore their rules matter. Do you pay rent including bills for electricity etc? Because space heaters use a lot of electricity which can run up the bills fast. You bought the heaters but you are a guest in their house and should respect their wishes or at least have a conversation to discuss what is acceptable.
Yes, I help pay bills, and pay for food. They also borrow my car. When they started taking our space heater, I asked if I needed to buy another, and they didn’t mind. This house has four rooms, so we have four heaters, and I only put mine on when we are about to sleep (I choose to sleep without one) since its only really needed at night. They will run theirs all day and I asked if they weren’t worried about the bills. They weren’t, but then the bill came in and they told me I shouldn’t leave my heaters on.
You said earlier that they gave you the use of three rooms in the house.
Why do you need space heaters at all? Isn’t there heat in the house otherwise? Space heaters suck up money like crazy for one thing, and they ARE NOT SAFE.
This house is rather big; there are only three houses in this neighborhood with a three story floor plan, work shop and two storm shelters. The garage is closest to the downstairs room, so there is a cold draft from there. The siding and windows need an upgrade and since they need help with that, me staying with them allows them to work towards that. Its a mutual agreement and understanding that we will help each other get to where we need to, so thats why I’m concerned with the usage of space heaters. Ours are only on temporarily in the night when its really cold. I only bought the heaters with safety functions and I check them regularly. I checked theirs too.
OP answered in another comment that they do contribute to the bills AND they let their family member borrow their car.
NTA
Thank you for reading my comments!
You need to talk to your family about what their expectations are. They have opened their home to you and your kids and they may have some expecations or rules that have not been communicated openly.
Turning of the heater may be a way to say, our electricity bill is very high and you need to help us reduce it or pay more.
Have a polite and kind conversation with them. Avoid thinking about being right or wrong, this is about finding common ground to live in the same house which they have kindly opened up to you.
Good luck!
Thank you!
They have heaters because they get really cold at night, and with these last few nights it affects them more. I taught them how to use the heater effectively during the night for safety reasons as well. I really don’t like to argue, so I have discussed better options with them in an open manner. Except after every discussion, they move our heater and unplug it while we are using it just so they can use it, even if ours is at a low setting. And since this last bill, they were upset at me that it was so high. I tried to explain it was the space heaters, and thats why I only use them at night. I know I contributed, but I also help pay and its not just me and my children using a space heater. We are wary of electric blankets because my family member has sensitive skin and no one wants direct burns.