I am in a standoff with a friend (F20) and now I am being treated like I said something unforgivable.
My friend has a child in daycare. Today the daycare sent out a letter saying they are critically understaffed and will offer emergency care.
My friend is currently not working and stays home. She still signed her child up for emergency care and told me about it, then asked if I would do the same.
I said no. We had the same exact situation before Christmas. I am also a SAHM and kept my child with me because I don’t think emergency care should be used for convenience when other parents genuinely rely on it to keep their jobs. I also think it’s unfair to already overwhelmed educators to treat emergency care like a normal service day.
She said she needs the emergency care because she is feeling under the weather (she has a cough) and because she needs the time to do household chores.
I told her that while housework is work, I don’t consider chores or mild illness an emergency, especially when the daycare explicitly asked the parents to keep the kids home if possible. I also said that using emergency care in that situation takes a spot away from families who truly have no alternative.
That’s when she accused me of not respecting domestic labor and of acting morally superior. I wasn’t telling her what she is allowed to do – she asked my opinion and I gave it. I didn’t insult her, but didn’t back down either.
Now she’s stopped responding and says I was judgmental.
I’ll admit: I do think parents who can keep their kids home during staff shortages should do so. I think there is a difference between needing childcare to survive and wanting childcare to make life easier – and pretending there isn’t feels dishonest to me.
So AITA for saying emergency daycare shouldn’t be used when you’re home and capable, even if that opinion upset my friend?
NTA – you’re right though.
Also it’s wild calling a SAHM (you) someone who does not respect domestic labor.
Exactly! Frankly, if OP had given their opinion during a normal conversation, I would still think they were NTA. Considering the other mother asked their opinion on the subject, they are even moreso NTA.
NTA. As a parent, I completely understand wanting to have a break. Your friend still sucks, both *for taking advantage of the system, and for asking your opinion and getting mad at you for telling her.
Also a parent here: I don’t even understand the “I need a break” thinking. Definitely NTA.
It sounds like the child attends daycare regularly… So not attending for one day should NOT be any type of world class burden (INB4: “But you don’t know what other issues the mom is dealing with!” well, they weren’t mentioned in the OP, so as far as we know there aren’t any.)
If mom is SO unhealthy that she can’t care for her child and do housework at the same time then do the housework tomorrow. Do the critical tasks and leave the rest until the next day.
NTA
For sure being a stay at home parent is work (as you well know) but if the laundry doesn’t get done and no one vacuums that day when it’s emergency daycare only it doesn’t -really- matter.
We’re still parents when we’re sick, too.
Sounds like a good day for a bunch of movies on the couch with the little one so a family who needs that daycare slot to not lose a job can have it.
NTA. She asked for your opinion and you gave it. She’s abusing the system and wants to feel justified. However, it also sounds like she’s burnt out slightly. So while I’m empathetic to her situation, this is a band-aid solution to something she needs to discuss with her partner.
NTA. Our daycare has limited teachers today but opened for those who need it, only accepting as many kids as ratios allowed. I can wfh so my son stayed with me. I too have house chores to get to and woke up congested. Kid is still here. The people who absolutely have to go in and have no other care options need the daycare spot way more than we do. I think tomorrow will be similar and kid will stay home with me. Local schools are closed tomorrow and neighboring counties are closed Thursday too, which affects teachers ability to come in.
NTA. I’m currently a SAHM but I was also a working mom had to take off of work when I had no daycare because I had no support. If you can keep your kids home during emergency care you do. Housework can wait a day. As for a cough, she will still be around the child at night and potentially exposing them then.
NTA – housework is not an emergency
NTA. You and your friend have different values. She doesn’t mind putting other people in a difficult situation as long as she is comfortable as a result.
This may affect you directly in future so watch out.
NTA. This is one of those litmus tests where you are seeing who your friend truly is and that seems to be upsetting them. Their response seems to say alot about how they feel about themselves and to deflect from that they are trying to shame you into agreeing?
As a daycare worker, let me offer perhaps a new perspective. Things happen, but ultimately its the daycares responsibility to staff appropriately, including making a plan for sick staff/staff kids. It is inappropriate of the daycare to request this without offering some sort of compensation for the parents who PAY for this care. That being said, your friend is in fact taking advantage of people in a really rough spot, especially overworked educators, and I think if she cant even handle her OWN (1) child, a little cough, and some housework, she obviously has no idea how the daycare workers feel.
It’s also possible that with the weather, a lot of the employees aren’t able to make it in safely, which can result in critical staffing even if you have enough staff employed.
Well, OP is in Germany and the friends daycare is a public daycare and is heavily subsided through taxes (maybe even free), which means they’re chronically understaffed. If you’re benefitting from a social system, you should do your best not to take advantage of it!!