AITA- Its a second marriage for both of us and we have a 2 year old son. When i met her she seemed like a forward thinking, open minded person who was okay with anything. She was aware that i smoke a little bit and in general not interested in typical indian family BS like festivals, pooja, meetings relatives etc. I met her family a little late and while they were very traditional ( rajasthanj jat) they seemed nice and respectful. Also important detail is i regularly lift weights and make sure my protein needs are met daily. Her family for the most part is strictly vegetarian and it was not a problem before marriage
Cut to 3 years later and i have all kinds of random arguments with my wife – dont eat chicken on thursdays, dont eat chicken in navratras ( i hate the hindu festival nonsense and she knew abt it), dont smoke at all, dont use your phone in the washroom. I got laid off in june last year and she insists on doing some random pooja on every thursday to align the gods!!! She does not understand that the washroom and my phone are the only sanctuary left for me in my own house!
Also, i have no rules for her in how she lives her life. Nada! She can eat, drink and be the way she likes it. The only rule i have is to split our expenses in the ratio of our incomes!
This is after i still take care of the lions share of monthly expenses.
I try to respectfully disagree but she keeps on insisting in these things time and again. As a man it becomes really difficult to keep saying no to the same thing which leads to anger and outbursts. It feels like a complete mismatch of personalities and exposure.
Am i the asshole here?
Marriage counseling seems in order, but if her demands continue the two of you may just not be compatible long term.
You married a religious woman with strong cultural ties. Truly, what did you expect?
In the start of the post it does say she wasn’t like that in the beginning. I’d assume he expected things to continue like they were in the early days.
There was a study about this, sorry I cannot find rn. Field was psychology. Basically it said that people coming to a western world else with such background might seemed very westernized long time. But when the marriage happens, it triggers (in every on of us) these patterns they lived in their own family.
Forexample non-practising muslim man suddenly lets his beard grow for religious reasons, start wearing traditional clothes and start controlling the women as women are controlled in their won country.
This can become as a shock to the partner. But you knew what her family was. I don’t know why you espected anything else.
>This can become as a shock to the partner. But you knew what her family was. I don’t know why you espected anything else.
I think its weird to just assume someone will become something just because their family are
You haven’t worked in almost 8 months? What you describe is not a “complete mismatch.” It’s some religious requests and a germaphobic but understandable bathroom-phone rule. I don’t see how it’s that burdensome. Are you used to women making all the concessions in a relationship?
I’d wager that this has less to do with his personal habits/preferences & more to do that she’s fed up with him not being able to get a job
Most of those rules are nonsense. The smoking rule is for your own good and the good of others around you who might be subjected to 2nd and 3rd hand smoke.
INFO: *“The only rule I have is to split our expenses in the ratio of our incomes”*
… aren’t you unemployed?
Is she handling all the financial burden while you lift your weights and complain when something is requested of you?
He also said he is handling the lions share of the bills, some clarification is worth asking for there because those seem like contradictory statements.
Considering OP ends saying “I still take care of the lions share of monthly expenses” I assume they found a new job between last June and now.
She is not handling the financial burden. I still pay the same amount of money as i used to pay when i had a job because i have lots of money saved up. I have been working for 21 years and was very senior in my last role. Also its not about requesting something. Ofcourse i do the chores in the house, i make all my meals myself, take care of the kid when she is working – which is 12 hours a day. Its about requesting and discussing rather than just ordering and not being able to take a no
>not interested in typical indian family BS like festivals, pooja, meetings relatives etc.
I have to interrogate this a little more. Meeting her relatives is filed under ‘typical Indian family BS’?
Because I can’t even state how important my wife’s family is for her. If I had this approach to her family, I do believe it would have been a dealbreaker for us.
I get the lack of interest in participating in religious festivals etc, but for many people marriage brings you into a whole new family circle and the expectation is that requires active participation in that new family.
Did you guys ever sit down and outline your mutual expectations around family and religion before you got married? Your post says ‘she seemed like a forward-thinking person’ but gut feeling only gets you so far – sometimes you need to have that brutally honest conversation.
NTA. Sometimes having children causes the onset of religion to become more important for people who have previously stepped away from it.
I know this myself as someone who married a Hindu man who had completely defected from his religion entirely. Festivals, Pooja, daily prayer, dietary restrictions, superstitions, rituals, and wearing Janai- the works.
The second we had a kid? I could sense the shift happening. By the time our kid was two he was talking about making sure that our kid grew up devoutly Hindu and celebrated all the festivals and had all of the blessings, all of the ceremonies, all of the prayers. It was fucking crazy.
Because when we met and started dating and were discussing marriage? We were both atheist! It was crazy