I, (16F) have a younger brother who for privacy reasons I will call Ben. Ben is an autistic 12 year old, and has absolutely no idea how to make certain types of food, let alone use a microwave properly.
When I have to watch him, he always demands I heat up something to eat, and my response, though mean, will always be no. He has been taught to make himself stuff, yet depends on others around him to do this stuff for him.
The conflict, though, starts with the fact if I tell him no while my mother is home, he will run to her about his request. Depending on her mood, she will make it for him, but if she doesn’t want to, I am required to make him his food.
Personally I do not think i am the ah here. if i decline my mother’s request, she gets agitated and calls me lazy for not helping him. I have taught him multiple times how to make things, he just simply doesn’t want to make it himself because it’s “too hard”. I do not believe i should have to play the maid for him.
Edit: I must also add that ben is developmentally delayed.
Edit2: I want to make it clear i do not let him go hungry. I always take him through the steps and try to help him the best i can because i know he struggles, i get it, i struggle too. i can’t help but feel exhausted from it though.
AITA?
NTA. He needs to do it himself.
NTA. Your mother is hindering his development by not letting him fend for himself. He will need to be bumped out of his “food is prepared for me” rut, and sooner is better than later.
NTA – he needs to do it himself. My son is audhd, 9, and knows how to handle the microwave and air fryer. Easy peasy.
There are different levels of autism, with different needs. I am AUdHd and live alone, degree, etc. there are children with autism who cannot use the microwave or air fryer. I’m not saying OPs brother is definitely high support need, but that’s why I’ve asked more. Not all autistic children have the same support needs ❤️
He probably doesn’t see this is a problem yet I was treated the same way I have hearing loss and dyslexia do not do that I had to learn everything I do wish my mom would teach me the basics your doing the right thing
NTA maybe has a sit down with your mom. Explain what she is doing his hindering his development. Explain she nor you will not always be available and he needs to learn things. You are a great sister who knows your brother is capable and you are working to bring that out of him. Good job .
And emphasize that *you* will not be the one to care for him in the future. I don’t mean occasionally; occasionally is fine if he really needs it. I mean *he will not be living with you*. Not when you’re in college, not when you’re in your 20s and prime dating age, not when you’re married, not when you have kids, not when you have an empty nest, not when you retire. Parents of special needs kids seem to think everyone owes them, especially the unimpacted children and *especially* especially their daughters. Nip this in the bud with your mom now.
This is very important!
My autistic son (now 52) went into a group home at age 22 years old.
There he learned to clean, to do laundry, to shop, to cook, and to manage his cash.
At 25 he progressed to sheltered housing with 3 other inmates. He also started his first paid job in a drugstore.
By 30 years old he had his own apartment with minimal help and got a job in a factory.
One of the girls from the sheltered housing moved in with him 10 years later and they moved together to a rented house.
At the factory he learned to drive a forklift truck and a reach truck and that is his current work, which he loves.
At 43 he got his driving license and was so proud of himself. We were too!
Before he left home I was quite a helicopter mom and he would NEVER have achieved all he has.
OP’s brother needs to start learning independence now!
INFO: you say he is developmentally delayed. Do you think he is capable of making food for himself or do you think he still NEEDS help. NTA so far.
I believe he is capable of making certain types of food, while yes he may need help with some things there is no reason he cannot prepare a bowl of cereal for himself or make himself noodles. I believe he does not enjoy making food himself.
NTA. If your mother wants to coddle him then she needs to follow through and do everything herself. You’re not the parent, it’s not your job to take up her job when she doesn’t feel like it.
NTA, but I think the way to solve the problem is to “help him” help himself. Instruct him through every minimal step of the process, but refuse to touch even so much as a plate. If he refuses to follow instructions, guess he’s not hungry.
Basically, make it so that your help doesn’t spare him anything in terms of effort. You shouldn’t have to do it this way, it’s basically parenting him… but he can’t complain that you’re refusing to help him when you’re actively helping him.
Edit: to be clear, I understand you’re saying he already knows how, but stepping him through it forces him to actually do the physical part of it, while denying him the excuse of having not understood or forgotten how.
ESH
Your brother by your own admission cannot use microwave and asks you to heat something up for him. Something he himself is unable to do. This is not you being his maid. It’s helping your brother out when he can’t do something.
Your mother should be helping him as well and not putting it in you. But there is nothing wrong with helping him at least once in a while
ESH.
Let’s be clear, OP. If you’re left to watch your brother, part of that includes making his food. Like it or not. You have an expectation that your mother will do it when she’s there, so when you’re the guardian, that falls on you. Complain if you want, but that’s your role in that situation. You could certainly try to make a stand about him making it himself, but you’re going to have to supervise that anyway, so… do whatever you’d like and works for you and him.
Is your mother out of line for making you do it when she IS available and just doesn’t want to/it isn’t convenient? It’s definitely A-holery for her to make you do it when she’s there and he can do some things himself. It’s different when you’re in charge there. You want to be the one in control of the cooking because of his barriers, whether that is doing it or supervising him. But when you’re both there… if he’s capable of doing it himself, he can be expected to at least attempt it. There’s probably a lot of learned helplessness there, and you’re not wrong that he should be doing some things for himself if he can.
But you’re also not the parent, and don’t get to make that call.