My best friend and I have a long-standing deal: when one of us wants to see their favorite artist live, the other comes along, and the person who wants to go pays for *both* concert tickets. We’ve done this before (mostly with smaller bands), and it has always worked.
Last summer, I bought two tickets for a System Of A Down concert in Berlin this coming summer. At the time, she agreed to come with me. Back then, she didn’t yet have a clear overview of her plans for 2026.
When I checked in with her again before booking travel, she said she’d come as long as she didn’t have to pay. I understood this according to our usual deal: I cover the concert tickets (around 300€ per person).
Later, when I sent her options for train tickets and a hotel, she said she didn’t really care about the details since I was paying anyway. That’s when it became clear we had different assumptions. She expected me to pay for everything, including travel and accommodation.
I suggested a compromise: I pay for the concert tickets and the train, and she pays for her share of the hotel. The trip would have been four days total (one day travel, one day Berlin, one concert day, one day return). At that point, she became very clear and said she actually has no desire to go to Berlin at all. She said she would have gone only for me, but after thinking about it more, she realized she really doesn’t want to. She also said she finds Berlin ugly and gets nothing out of the trip.
She even said she had considered giving me back the 300€ for the ticket because she realizes I only bought it for her. She also explained that she doesn’t have time for another trip because she’s already spending several weeks traveling with her boyfriend, and that she doesn’t have the money since she’s planning trips to New York and Thailand this year.
What hurts me isn’t just the canceled trip. We used to be extremely close. Seeing so clearly that she has time and money for her partner, but not for me and not even for four days in Berlin, made me feel suddenly disposable.
I know you can’t force someone to want something they don’t want. Still, I feel hurt and angry about this.
AITA?
Info: on previous trips have there been hotel expenses, train expenses etc? Have they been trips as long as this one?
NAH. She handled this very reasonably and you’re allowed to have hurt feelings.
NTA as such but priorities change as we grow and make new relationships especially romantic ones. It is okay to feel upset because things have changed but it doesn’t have to mean the end of a friendship.
Are you comfortable going without her? Or inviting someone else?
NAH. Romantic relationships change things. You need to be more accepting of that. You’re not at fault for feeling the way you feel, but she is entitled to spend her time and money how she sees fit. And right now, she sees fit to spend those things with/on her partner.
Neither of you did anything wrong about the trip, its was miscommunication and different expectations. You are hurting from a broken heart about a friendship that is drifting apart, you NTA for that. It happens. Best of luck
Friendships change. Just because you used to something doesn’t mean you have to continue.
YTA. I had same assumption.
NAH.
OP, first of all your feelings are completely valid. It’s totally reasonable to be disappointed about this plan not panning out.
It’s sounding like there were different ideas of what paying for the trip meant, and when push came to shove you guys weren’t on the same page. 4 days isn’t a small commitment for a concert, even if you are (generously) willing to pay a portion.
That being said, I’m also curious to know how this has worked before? Have other concerts been multi-day adventures?
I can understand your disappointment and I’m sorry this didn’t work out how you hoped. It sounds like there’s some grief happening over this friendship too.
It sucks but this sounds like like happens. Hard to find a reliable travel buddy in today’s world.
INFO:
1. Did you check with your friend to gauge her interest before buying her a ticket?
2. I’m confused about how there was confusion about who was paying for the train tickets and hotel, considering that you say this is a long-standing arrangement. Did you guys never have to travel far or stay at a hotel in the past?
3. When she originally agreed to go, was she enthusiastic?
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I’m kind of leaning toward ESH/YTA. She sucks for agreeing to go and then pulling out – but I do feel like it’s kind of unreasonable to ask her to pay a good chunk of change, and take time off, to go on a trip she has no interest in, making it essentially a favor to you.
I also feel like you bear some responsibility for causing this situation by not picking up on her lack of interest earlier (unless she seemed enthusiastic at the time).
I understand why you feel hurt and angry – this marks a shift in your friendship. But I would encourage you to think of this more as growing pains than a sign that she doesn’t care about you.
When we’re younger, we have a lot fewer responsibilities and a lot more time. Often, friendships are the most important relationships we have. But as we get older, other things become more central – especially romantic relationships, jobs, and eventually children. That’s normal.
> Seeing so clearly that she has time and money for her partner, but not for me and not even for four days in Berlin, made me feel suddenly disposable.
*Of course* she has more time and money for her partner – he’s her partner. If you’re expecting to receive equal time/attention/effort as her partner, you will be consistently disappointed, and may end up damaging your friendship beyond repair.
Don’t put that kind of pressure on her or your friendship. If you want to spend time with her, invite her for things that she actually wants to go to, and that won’t require her to take time off work, or drop a bunch of money.
And just take this as a lesson about adult friendships – they won’t be the same as they were when you were younger, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You still have that bond and shared history – but you do have to be more considerate of your friends’ time and finances than you may have when you were younger… and you have to be OK with time with friends being less of a priority for most people as the get older.
NAH, but ppl do grow out of these things and apart from ppl. I would suggest finding someone else to create memories with for this trip. Diversify.
NAH – you each had different understandings of your concert “agreement”. Have all the prior concerts been local where the ticket was the only expense and the time investment was just one evening?
Regardless of your concert agreement, every trip you go on with a friend going forward should be something you mutually decide together and are both excited to do. She said she wasn’t interested in Berlin, not that she didn’t want to spend time with you. As life goes on, you’ll both have more competing priorities like partners, jobs, family, other interests… and time together especially multi-day trips become rarer and more precious. Make the most of those times and find activities, destinations, and dates that work for you both – not something you unilaterally decide and expect her to automatically join, regardless of who is paying for what.
For this and future concerts, find another friend who is equally excited about the actual show and go with them, or go alone, or skip this one.
Good luck.
I think Yta, sadly. Your friend had no basis to believe she was going to have to pay for the trip and expressly said she was only coming to be with you if you paid for it. You should have been clearer as it’s a big outlay when she wasn’t expecting to pay anything. She has other obligations in life to pay for. I’m sure she’d come with you to another concert closer to home.