Hi, I (in my 20s, F) and a friend just met our mutual friend (let’s call them A)’s new SO in person for the first time today. All four of us went to see Avatar before we had late lunch at a nearby restaurant. Tbf from the stories A has told us, I did not have the best impression of them; regardless, the SO did not sound like a totally horrible person, and A really seemed to like them, so our friend group did not try to stop them from getting into this relationship.
For context, our friend group is all from an East Asian country, while the SO is from North America, but now living in our country. A and SO had been dating for almost 2 weeks before we met them.
So, the movie thing was fine since we did not get to speak much, but I was kinda bored (so sorry to Avatar fans) and tired from sitting for >3hrs. Later, we were all hungry at the restaurant, sleepy and awkward – but we responded as earnestly as we could to SO’s questions. A then suggested that we asked SO questions about themself, and after about 10 secs I managed to croak out: “What do you do for work?”. I know it is a lame question, but I am really bad at coming up with interesting questions lol.
What I did not expect was for them to blow up on us, putting down their utensil and saying that they REALLY HATED this question, because it is like us sizing them up, wanting to know their money-making abilities and social position, etc., and not what their personality/interests are. This completely shocked the three of us because this is a very common small-talk question in our country, and nobody we met had ever been so angry at it. I cannot remember how I responded, but I think my face must have looked very angry, even though the rest of the lunch was cordial (we found out SO was a software engineer, & SO and I chatted on other topics pretty nicely afterwards). That’s because A texted our group chat in the evening asking if I was mad. I said I was not, but was taken aback that SO would insinuate that I wanted to “size them up”, because I am not interested in their wealth or social position at all. Or was it my face (that is often an RBF) that made them think I was judging?
A reassured me that they had reminded SO not to make things awkward again, and that I did not mean any harm. They explained that SO was just really sensitive with the question; this question to them is like asking a woman whether she was married/had kids or not, because in the US (apparently) white people got annoyed that SO was an engineer and good at sports at the same time. I did not really understand this explanation, but I did not reply. Neither me nor SO has said sorry to one another. However, I am trying to get wider perspectives from people globally, especially in the West, so: am I the asshole and should I apologize to my friend’s SO?
It’s literally an ice-breaker question.
Your friend and SO are weird for reacting so harshly
If someone explodes like this… I automatically assume they are:
-likely a bum and bumming off my friend
-have terrible emotional regulation
-they blow up about other small time stuff like this, too
-they vocabularly is too small to verbalise or divert from the topic, in case they don’t really like their job or so
NTA, it’s a fairly normal question to ask here. He’s got some chip on his shoulder.
Not the asshole. Its a pretty normal question and jobs usually segway easier into more personal questions like.
Do you like that? How did you get into that? Did you study for that? What’s your end goal? How you met SO?
NTA As a white person from NA, this is NOT why the SO gets annoyed that people ask this question, that’s ridiculous. White people get annoyed that they do sports and have a job? It is also probably the most common ice breaking question here, so the SO knew someone would ask it and didn’t prepare themselves with a polite answer. Not a good look.
That complaint about being an engineer and athletic is not a thing in the US at all. That’s a person who is just deeply insecure.
As someone born and raised in the US, that’s one of the first questions you ask someone when you meet them. I would’ve been taken aback too. NTA
I think maybe the SO has seen too many movies? Ones where like, the working class guy meets a girl whose family turns out to be super rich, and she brings him over for dinner and it’s a huge mansion with servants, and the rest of the family raises their eyebrows and makes snide remarks about his job and so forth.
I’ve spent a lot of time in Asia and North America and this is a normal question everywhere. That justification about the reaction they usually receive in the US is laughable lol. Their reaction to the question makes it seem like they might be hiding something or lying tbh cause why else would you be so sensitive
This is legit the first thing I ask someone. At my age (25), I actually ask if they’re working or still in school. I’m still in school. It takes up like 90% of my waking hours lol.
Born and raised in the U.S. 🙋🏻♀️ that is a very normal question when getting to know someone. I don’t know why they were taken aback from it. So odd.
I’ve heard that Europeans can sometimes not like this question for the reasons the bf outlined. However, as an American, I’ve never been offended by this and think it’s a perfectly normal ice breaker question.
Think about it like this, you spend more time doing your job than most other activities except maybe sleeping. So, it’s like asking, “what do you do all day?”
Sounds like the partner is sensitive.
NTA
In the US that question is extremely normal and everyone asks it.
NTA
>because in the US (apparently) white people got annoyed that SO was an engineer and good at sports at the same time. I did not really understand this explanation,
The reason why you didn’t understand the explanation is because it makes zero sense. I can’t speak for all of the US, but I can confirm this is not true in the south.
And you can let him know that his reaction to the question was all you needed to know about his personality.
EDIT: Josh Dobbs is a QB playing for the Patriots and going to the Super Bowl. He also graduated with a degree in Aerospace Engineering. We here in the US have zero problem with men who are engineers and play sports.