I (17F) was diagnosed with ADHD this year.
From middle school, i had average grades. When I started high school, my grades dropped alot and now i mainly get Cs and Ds and have a 2.5 GPA. I struggle horribly with time management, staying organized and keeping up with assignments and tasks.
Due to this, I was held back down a grade when I was in kindergarden in Sudan(aka my home country), even though I would be grade 11 by now if that didn’t happen. This also happened before I was diagnosed with ADHD, so everyone there thought I was just being lazy.
They were also unhappy due to the fact I knew better english than around 80% of the students and staff there, so as a result, they tried to evaluate me for autism instead of ADHD, even though the real issue turned out to be attention related and executive functioning, not understanding or communication.
After finally getting my ADHD diagnosis after years of thinking I wasn’t smart enough and masking, I tried to explain to my mom that ADHD affects my organization skills and focusing, especially school because it became more demanding and hard. I wasnt trying to avoid responsibility, I was just trying to get help and support.
My mom reacted badly, saying I’m only good at playing games and that I am using ADHD as an excuse to justify me not doing well in school. She keeps comparing me to how I was in middle school and also to one of my friends who is autistic even though she got the help earlier than me.
When I got upset and tried telling her that I needed help and that I wasn’t using ADHD as an excuse, she said she didn’t want to talk to me anymore and shut down the conversation, which hurt alot because it felt like she wasn’t listening to me.
I know my grades aren’t very good and I know my mom just wants the best for me. I am not trying to use my ADHD as an excuse, I just want more help at school. I genuinely just want to do well in school.
Now I am wondering if me getting mad at my mom was justified or if I was just overreacting, AITA?
**TL;DR:**
I (17F) was diagnosed with ADHD this year after my grades dropped in high school (mostly C’s and D’s). I was even held back in Grade 10 in my home country (Sudan) before the diagnosis. When I tried explaining ADHD to my mom, she said I’m lazy, only good at playing, and using ADHD as an excuse. She then shut down the conversation. AITA for being upset and feeling dismissed?
NTA. My mother has conveniently forgotten how she called me lazy when I really had (have) ADHD. Now she wonders why I rarely call.
You indicated you were diagnosed earlier this year, OP.
By whom? Did this person or organization not explain what you would need to help thrive despite the diagnosis?
I think that’s the issue, it’s been explained to OP and she’s trying to tell her mother, who is refusing to listen. OP seems to have an idea of what she needs to help, she’s asking for those things and being ignored and told she’s using ADHD as an excuse to not do better, when she’s literally asking for things that will help her do better.
I have a whole bunch of links here that may be helpful for you, from another neurodivergent person
https://www.reddit.com/u/Deflated_Hypnotist/s/BOp4Y9uQVh
NTA. You found out why you started struggling in high school, and now you need supports.
NTA. Sorry, OP. Your mom doesn’t understand ADHD. Are you able to get meds? If you can’t, then it’s equivalent to your mom telling a person who needs a cane to walk that they really don’t need it because they are just using it as a crutch. You see the problem, right?
Even with meds, ADHD can be extremely difficult, just like a person with lupus who has bad days with walking, even with mobility aids!
You’re almost 18, hopefully you can get more medical help soon if your parents are blocking it. In the meantime, look up strategies you can try to keep focus and motivation, and talk to a sympathetic teacher about your diagnosis if you feel they would be understanding.
NTA also puberty can affect ADHD especially as a female so it’s no surprise that you are struggling more now than middle school. Your mom doesn’t understand what it’s like and might not be the best person to ask for help unfortunately. Talk to your teachers and a school counselor and start figuring out some resources. Yes ADHD makes things harder but you have to figure out a way to use your resources to manage it. Sometimes it’s gonna feel like going to the gym, it’s work and it’s often hard work, but you have to keep at it to develop the skills that make life easier.
NTA – the diagnosis is supposed to be a start to figuring out support systems that will help you manage it. I hope you get help elsewhere because unfortunately your mother isn’t it.
ESH
The people on this sub, your mom, and the rest of the world can’t tell you if you’re using ADHD as an excuse or not. Only you know that answer to that. Nobody knows you like you know you.
What I will tell you is this: you are currently facing a reality where you are getting bad grades, and you want to do better. So do better. Reach out to others in the ADHD community, whether on reddit, in person, or somewhere else, and see how they manage. They may be able to help you with tips and tricks. If there are specific things you struggle with- be honest and see if others can relate.
As you get older, you’re going to realize that number one, you have to be your own advocate and help yourself and two, if you fail in the real world, nobody is going to care if your ADHD or not.
NTA. I was diagnosed as a little girl and my mum denied it (girls don’t have it) and then refused to see why I struggled in high school or as an adult. I was rediagnosed as an adult, properly medicated, and of course it isn’t an excuse but ADHD is an actual disorder that does require accommodations. Anything less than knowing and believing that is ignorance. The issue is that sometimes we can manage things – it takes an incredible amount of effort, other areas of our lives will suffer, we will get sick and burned out, and we aren’t able to maintain it long term, but because we can manage sometimes it is seen as a choice not to when we can’t. I don’t think you’re going to get the understanding you need from your mum, though. If she were to learn everything she would feel deep shame for how long you have struggled and for how she treated you, and in my experience that doesn’t happen a lot.
Hi OP. You mentioned a diagnosis but is there a treatment plan in place?
I have ADHD but was only diagnosed in my early 40s. I did exceptionally well at primary school (was the top achiever at my school). Half way through high school the wheels fell off. The work increased in volume and complexity and I could no longer rely on what I absorbed during the lessons. I had no study skills and no time management skills. I finished school with acceptable marks but university and my first few years of work were an absolute disaster. I spent years (decades) blaming myself for not trying harder, not being able to do what everyone else could. My diagnosis was a revelation. At last I could start to understand why my brain worked differently from everyone else’s. And start to look for tricks that would help me get through the day without losing my keys, being late for work, forgetting to pay bills, etc.
But things only really improved when my doctor put me on medication. That’s why I’m asking whether you are on any type of treatment.
You’re welcome to show your mom my comment. She can even contact me if she wants to. ADHD is very difficult for other people to understand. It *looks* like laziness, self indulgence, lack of effort. But it’s not.
You need support. My kid just finished school and he did a lot better than anyone expected. He had a teacher who volunteered to coach him, help him with his study schedule, speak to his subject teachers to see where he needed extra help. It made a huge difference.
Something that might help you is a study group where you can work alongside other people (even if you’re working on a different subject). Having someone as a “body double” can nudge your brain into focusing more effectively. You can look it up and see if it might work for you.
ADHD can be SO HARD. Especially when it’s not managed properly. But it’s not something that will drag you down forever. You can get on top of it, and eventually even start learning how to make the most of it – non linear thinking can be an asset in many careers.
Edited for clarity and additional info.
If you have a guidance counselor or psychologist at school, ask them to explain it to your mother, and also ask them for support in getting your homework done, etc.
NTA, because you were frustrated that she refused to listen.
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You’re justified. Your weren’t saying “I don’t have to try,” you were saying “I need support.” Those are very different things and your mom mixed them up.