I (40F) have a 3-year-old son, Evan (3M). His dad, “Troy” (42M), and his parents say Evan isn’t eating enough and claim this is why he lost weight. He lost 1 lb, but he was also sick, and no one is medically concerned about his weight right now.
This happened at Troy’s parents’ house. His grandparents are in their mid-70s. Evan enjoys seeing his grandpa but is less comfortable around his grandma.
Evan goes to feeding OT. His dad and grandparents have always been welcome to attend appointments but never wanted to go. Evan has eosinophilic esophagitis (EoE) and a history of cleft palate, so feeding has always been more complicated. We’ve been advised not to force eating and to allow sensory play.
Troy frequently says “he never eats,” which isn’t true. Evan does eat, just not always what or how they expect.
During this meal, Evan was squishing carrots and chicken. He’s not a fan of chicken, but after squishing it, he did eat a little. They kept correcting him and telling him not to play with food. I said eating carrots is still eating, but they said it wasn’t good enough. His mom said other kids would think something was wrong with him or that he’s weird. I said this behavior is normal for his age.
She also doesn’t like when Evan says he’s done after a few bites or even after sitting down and I say we’ll save it for later. She and Troy say he needs to eat and that I let him do whatever. I don’t want to force him. Often he will come back and eat later. I usually encourage a few bites and then thank him.
They also overfill his plate, which overwhelms him.
She tells him things like “if you want to be tall you have to eat” and said he couldn’t make cookies if he didn’t eat. Sometimes Evan just isn’t hungry or may be hurting because of his EoE.
I got overwhelmed and ended up forcing Evan to eat, even though I know better. After that, Troy called me an idiot in front of his parents.
Evan and I eat at the table. Troy usually eats at his computer. When Troy watches Evan once a week, he mostly puts out water and snacks.
I’m starting to dread going to his parents’ house. I don’t want Evan to miss out on his grandparents, but I also feel like I need to protect him.
AITA?
TL;DR: My 3-year-old with feeding and medical issues was pressured at his grandparents’ house, I got overwhelmed and forced eating, and his dad called me an idiot. Now I’m questioning whether I was wrong.
NTA.
You are following medical guidance for a child with EoE and a history of cleft palate, and they are ignoring it because it does not look like what they think “normal eating” should be.
Sensory play with food, small bites, coming back later, not forcing meals, all of that is standard for feeding therapy. Especially with EoE where eating can literally be uncomfortable or painful. What they are doing is the exact opposite of what professionals recommend.
Telling him he is weird, overfilling his plate, pressuring him, and using food as a condition for cookies is not helpful. It can actively make feeding issues worse and create long term anxiety around eating.
You only forced him because you were overwhelmed and outnumbered. That does not make you wrong. It shows how much pressure they put you under.
The bigger issue is Troy calling you an idiot in front of everyone while not even participating in meals himself.
You are right to feel protective. If they cannot respect the feeding plan, it is reasonable to limit meals at their house or set firm rules about how Evan is handled at the table.
Forcing their child to eat when their doctor said not to force them to eat does make op wrong.
Everything else in your post I agree with tho. Don’t go over at meal times if you can’t stand up for kiddo during their intense pressures.
ESH. Your son has a medical condition that affects how he eats. Don’t let Evan’s dad and grandparents bully you into doing what’s wrong for your son. I honestly wouldn’t take my kid around people who pick on him. Telling him that if he doesn’t eat he won’t be tall enough, that other kids will think he is weird etc is wrong.
Edit to ESH. Wrote the wrong one
She forced him to eat. She’s just as guilty as they are.
You were being an idiot if you force fed your son. Don’t visit the grandparents at mealtime if you can’t defend your child. Also, your husband should tell his parents to follow your lead when it comes to your child.
YTA for forcing your child to eat what looks like “normal meals” to others instead of listening to yourself, your son and the medical professionals. You know better.
Stand up for your son and not put up with nonsense from others who can’t be bothered coming to the appointments and learning how best to support your child.
Your son not being comfortable around his grandmother is another red flag you cannot ignore.
Grow a back bone and tell them how meal times will be, and if they dont like it, don’t be there during meal times. Meet at the park for an hour or so. Also, you have a husband problem as well as an in law problem. Pull him into line with the feeding strategies and medical advice. If not, you could be setting up your son for other feeding issues and food aversions later on
I agree, though it just says that Troy is Evan’s dad, not that OP and Troy are married. Either way unacceptable for him to be calling her an idiot though.
Especially after saying that she’s in the wrong for *not* forcing him to eat. He sounds like an absentee father who thinks he knows what’s what seeing his child for one day a week and a few hours on the weekend. Fuck that guy.
YTA to yourself and your son. I don’t say this harshly; I think may parents make mistakes in this type of regard (exerting a level of control over their children that they later regret), but you need to own it, apologize, and determine how you will not be making that mistake again. Additionally, since you and your son’s dad aren’t together and on the same page about this, you need to figure out how to safeguard your son from the very real harm that his father and grandmother are doing to him. This probably means dragging dad to doctor’s appointments and giving him unpleasant details, but you have to find your courage and do it.
I agree. Forcing food went against what I know and what professionals have advised, and I regret that moment. I’m focusing now on clearer boundaries and making sure the adults involved are aligned so this doesn’t happen again.
YTA for forcing him to eat just because all the other adults in the room are AHs. Are you actually with his father, I can’t even tell from this post. You say he “watches” him once a week. You shouldn’t be with this man if you are, and if you’re not, then this needs to all be recorded for the court regarding custody. He doesn’t participate in his own son’s feeding therapy, he lets his parents interfere in your son’s life and be ignorant about his medical condition, and he verbally abused you in front of his parents and your son.
STOP allowing people to abuse your son. You are his only advocate here because even his father is a useless AH.
ESH
Sorry. I wish you weren’t. I think you’re *less* the a h, but you forced a toddler to do something you acknowledge might be painful to him.
STOP taking him to see people who make fun of him, criticize him, and encourage you to do harm to him. Start standing up for and protecting this poor baby. That is literally your first job as a parent.
His grandparents have lost visitation rights until they stop. And when they do it again, you pick up Evan and YOU LEAVE. Immediately. Seriously, stop putting him through this. Of course he has issues with them, he knows they don’t like him.
ESH. You guys are collectively going to ruin his relationship with food. Keep him away from his grandparents if they can’t be patient with him
ESH. It’s on you to protect your son from bullies not cave to them and transmit the issue to him. Your in-laws do not know the extent of his issues and habits, so they shouldn’t get a say. And your husband disrespecting you in front of his parents is a massive issue. I hope you addressed it swiftly.