I (35M) left Myanmar 3–4 years ago due to the military coup and recently started my first full-time job in Singapore. I’m on probation earning 3k/month. My expenses are tight and fixed: rent, food, $250 transport (job requires travel) $370/month for a 20k study loan and I’m also repaying a 2k loan from a relative for my flat deposit. I don’t have savings or medical benefits yet and just paid for a dental procedure out of pocket.
My main goal is to clear debt and build basic financial stability. I live very frugally. I rarely buy clothes or anything non-essential.
My parents are upset that I didn’t send money from my first salary to pay homage to elders, which is a strong tradition in my culture. They say it’s about respect and not losing face with relatives. I understand the tradition, but giving a large amount right now would leave me with almost nothing and no emergency buffer. I suggested a small thoughtful gift instead but it was mocked as “too small,” which really hurt.
On top of that, my mom wants me to help support my younger sibling studying abroad. I’m willing to help once I’m more stable but the pressure to give away my first salary immediately is overwhelming.
I feel torn between being a good child and protecting my own survival at the very start of my career. AITA for feeling stressed and hesitant?
NTA. Change the tradition. You’ll send money after you’ve cleared your debts.
NTA
no reason to feed those greedy leeches.
NTA. You moved for safety and stability, not to live in luxury. If you don’t have money, yo don’t have money. You shouldn’t be giving ANY money to anyone else if you can’t even afford to live comfortably and see a regular doctor. If you really want to help, you’d do more help by getting yourself in the position to give as much as you want rather than potentially going deeper into debt for appearances and family pressure.
Pretty sure I read this exact scenario last week… Even down to the sibling
this is culturally engrained, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Sending money back home is a pretty old tradition – but lately, especially in this economy, traditions need to change with the times. People simply cannot afford it anymore and there is also a sense that relatives at home abuse this tradition “OP moved abroad to a place that is richer, now they are rich and should 100% pay our expenses”
there are several videos online from creators of African descent i.e., where people in the US financed the construction of a home back in their homecountry. When they came to visit, they were instructed to buy several luggages stuffed with expensive gifts (the newest iphone, etc) and they wanted to see what progress the construction has made from the money they sent home.
More often than not it’s not even a shack or land that has been purchased – it went straight to consumer purchases by the relatives that were left in charge of building a place to retire.
And as a Singaporean, people who move to SG to work, the financial difference to their home countries usually is big – unless you move there from Europe, then it’s half almost – but the financial gains are not as big as one would think, because SG is very expensive to live.
NTA If they cared so much about relatives they should have lied to them.
NTA
You have debts. Your first, second, third etc salary are already spoken for. Surely the tradition revolves around you leaving your elders to be prosperous and sharing that? You’re not prosperous yet, you’re surviving. You can honour traditions when you’re above water and in a position to do so. You can support other family members once you can support yourself. They are being unreasonable.
What’s that traditional saying… “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm”
NTA
Your family does not have your best interest at hear. They don’t care about you. They only made kids so they won’t end up along and you’d have to support them and take care of them at old age and destroy yourself.
My mom would never ask me money knowing I’m in debt
Your qn adult. They can say what they want but you don’t have to listen anymore. Your sibling can get a job and finance their own education just like you do. And once you’re stable you can go fully independent and even cut them off.
Asking for money while you’re in debt is a form of financial abuse.
PS also you’re not even living in the same country lol. What they’re gonna do? Fly to Singapore? If they can afford the tickets they can afford their own gifts and help educate tour sibling themselves. They’re just old people who don’t understand how expensive bills are and think just cause they say “give us money” you can. I mean it, don’t listen to them. There’s no point arguing with ignorance.
“This tradition is based on a traditional situation in which you would be taking care of my living expenses and supporting me financially up to that point. Let me know when you’ll be sending me the $XXXX for my housing and medical bills, and I’ll send you the $XXX after that.”
NTA.
his parents didn’t even help with the flat. that was another relative, who he said he was paying back.
NTA- do yourself a favor and don’t tell ANYONE what your salary is. The more people know you make the more demands upon your money they make. Especially from cultures where it’s customary that the children give money to the rest of the family. They won’t care about your debt, they just want the money.
NTA. Culture, traditions and values are great but they should never be prioritised when it’s impractical or dangerous to do so. Your financial security absolutely should come first and your parents may be ashamed but they will have to accept it. You need to be in a secure position before you can honour your cultural traditions.
NAH. I think your parents are making a fairly common mistake – they don’t realise that with a Singapore salary and residence comes a Singapore level cost of living. I would explain the situation and offer them what you can afford. If they mock, I would simply stick to one side what you feel able to contribute. Some redditors have no appreciation of family or how difficult life can be without a social safety net. I think you know better than they do. There is one tip I did pick up on Reddit – don’t adopt a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Keep working, keep saving and send what you are able to.
My response remains as it was last week.
Just in case its a different scenario that sounds the same.
OP has debts. Therefore the elders didnt do their bit to deserve homage.
Nta