I 25(m) was friends with this guy since elementary school. Let’s call him Evan. Evan has been a very close friend of mine ever since we were 8. We went to elementary, middle, high school, and college together to the point where our parents are friends.
Growing up with him, I realized that he was easily influenced by his friends and crushes. I guess it’s a given for middle and high schoolers.
From middle school to the end of high school, he was super conservative and right-leaning. He had a passion for martial arts, watched a lot of conservative speakers, and shared their ideas and thoughts with me daily. I’m telling you this to show that his personality growing up was very masculine and conservative. Not that I have a problem with whatever beliefs then and now. Obviously, he was straight. Weirdly straight, where he had a Joe Goldberg stalker phase at one point.
It was like that until college, where he started hanging out with goths and alternative people. After about a year with them, he came out identifying as Bi-Gender but is still straight.
I pointed out how he completely turned 180 last time I met him and tried asking him what made him change. He didn’t want to talk about it. I guessed the change seemed very drastic and almost impulsive to me because I haven’t hung out a lot with him after high school.
But after pointing that out, he stopped messaging me. I think he didn’t like the fact that I called him out on the change. We haven’t been in contact ever since.
YTA.
You’re not wrong for noticing he changed. People do change a lot in college, especially when they meet new people and figure out who they are. But where it went wrong is assuming he was “manipulated” or that his identity isn’t real just because it’s different from who he used to be.
Growing up conservative, masculine, or straight-presenting doesn’t mean someone can’t later realize something new about themselves. That doesn’t automatically mean they were influenced or pressured. It can just mean they finally felt safe enough to explore it.
From his perspective, it probably felt like you were questioning whether his identity was genuine or suggesting he was just copying his new friends. That can feel invalidating, even if you didn’t mean it that way.
So the issue isn’t that you noticed the change. It’s that you framed it like something must be wrong or fake behind it. That likely hurt him and made him pull away.
You know, I think maybe you decided you’re cisgender a bit too impulsively. Have you really thought it through? Are you sure your cis friends didnt talk you into this?
Hear how ridiculous that sounds? YTA.
YTA.
The change seems impulsive but you’ve barely hungout since high school? So you’ve barely spoke to him in 7 years?
Was he manipulated when he was conservative and doing martial arts? Was he manipulated into being straight in his teenage years?
YTA
1. you said it yourself, he was impressionable and easily influenced in high school. so why would you take what you remember about him from then as gospel?
2. closeted people often seem “weirdly straight”
3. him being straight does not preclude him being bigender in any way; you are clearly uneducated about queer identities, so why would you try and slide that detail into your post like it somehow discredits him? it’s transphobic
4. even if it does end up just being a phase, why would you as his friend need to “call him out” on that?
5. none of this is any of your fucking business in the first place
YTA. When peoppes friendship circles grow and change, people often have the opportunity to find parts of themselves they didn’t know. It’s normal human growth.
YTA. There is no suggestion that he was manipulated or acting impulsively. You just assumed he was. Some things just don’t need to be said.
YTA maybe you were the one influencing him and once he got away from you he could be who he wanted to be
YTA. So he seemed very masculine to you – big whoop! You don’t know how he felt deep down. You don’t know his journey or process of accepting himself. I’m non binary and pansexual. And let me tell you, I spent YEARS denying it, years of pretending I was straight, years of pretending. At one point I even tried to be like other girls and bought a skirt. It hated it but I thought I looked ‘normal’. Even now, at 33, I struggle with it, with accepting myself. It’s damn hard to accept it within yourself, and even harder to be out about it, to live the way you want without fearing the scorn or judgement of those around you.
You don’t know how your friend felt deep inside. You’re not inside his head, inside his soul. You don’t have to understand it, but you don’t get to say that he’s just being “influenced”. That’s like saying it’s a “phase”. As his friend, the least you can do is support him. If you can’t do that, then he’s better off without you.
yeah respectfully YTA I assume it’s that they’ve felt more comfortable expressing themselves In an environment that’s a safe space for queer people. The drastic change is probably just them coming out of the closet.
I know there’s this hoax that apparently queer ppl will “manipulate other people into being queer“ when thats not the case. queer people often associate with other queer people. it’s more of a correlation than causation.
my advice you probably should apologize and try to educate yourself on gender expression, that would probably help you to understand.
His new friends made him feel safe to be himself. You didn’t make him feel safe.
I’m sorry that you don’t feel safe being yourself. I know someone made it hard for you, and that really sucked. And now you have lost someone that was a close friend and that doesn’t make it any easier. How are you holding up?
YTA
Lots of people change when they go off to college, leave home, get older etc. Maybe his family being traditional conservatives , or the place he was from being small minded, meant he never felt free or confident to explore different sides of himself. That obviously changed, and good for him.
YTA