So I (22f) have been chatting with this guy (28m) for around 9 months and having a video call each week for Portuguese/English language exchange. I help him with English and he helps me with Portuguese. That’s it. Things were going well, but he’s had a problem with my messaging frequency on a few occasions. I’ve explained on multiple occasions that because of work, being in college (I graduated in the fall), and other familial obligations that I’m not going to be able to text everyday multiple times a day.
Some weeks I wouldn’t respond unless it pertained to our language video calls (which I was consistent with) and he said he understood.
Apparently this guys dad passed away on Thursday and I didn’t see it until today, but I sent a kind message and said that if he wanted to talk, that I’m here. Then I got a message basically ending the arrangement we have because I’m not responsive enough and that he felt like our “friendship” was one sided and I only saw him as a language exchange partner. He was planning to study in the U.S and said that he had hopes that we could meet, but that basically I let him down lol. We’ve never met one another in person and I’ve been very clear about my scheduling and in-person commitments.
I’ve had multiple language exchange partners (pretty much all men now that I think about it) that are fine in the beginning, but kind of start to have different expectations. I’m not saying you can’t develop a friendship with your language exchange partner or met them one day, but I feel like this is a big expectation to have of someone you haven’t met before. AITAH?
NTA, but they might be having romantic feelings or see it as a way to move to a different country. It sounds like you’re setting the right expectations and helping them learn English, which is what it was supposed to be about
I used to teach English online before I retired and had private students for decades. A few out of tens of thousands developed into “friendship” but never something like what you are describing. It was more like following a few of them on Instagram or FB. We would meet if I happened to travel to their countries. It sounds like this man became smitten with you or developed more feelings than were warranted for a language exchange. You should probably set expectations (boundaries) more clearly and make sure you keep your language exchanges to designated times. I would avoid answering questions in the middle of the week and being too available. That blurs the line too much.
NTA
I mean, it sounds like OP repeatedly set boundaries and this person ignored them. OP stated they’re too busy to text regularly and often ignored them when they didn’t pertain to the weekly calls. They stated numerous reasons why they didn’t have time for this to be a more regular exchange. It’s not on OP to convince someone that their stated limits should be respected.
NAH
It’s fine for him to seek more, and end it if you don’t want the same.
It’s fine for you to set clear boundaries and only engage in the level of friendship or working relationship you want.
Language exchange, not life exchange. You signed up for verbs and vocabulary, not a full time emotional support subscription. Boundaries are healthy, and weekly calls for 9 months is already more consistent than most Duolingo streaks 😅 Hope he heals, but you didn’t do anything wrong
NTA – you showed up for scheduled meetings and sent a considerate message acknowledging his dad’s death. you did nothing wrong.
it sounds like he wanted more and had built something up in his head. other people’s uncommunicated fantasies are never your responsibility.
NTA
NTA. He got the wrong idea about the status of your relationship.
NTA and sadly many people use language exchange apps as dating apps, it’s a well-known problem
NAH
It’s a human response to naturally develop a friendship in any setting. We become friends with work colleagues all the time. But that doesn’t mean you have an obligation if the friendship feelings did not go both ways.
His dad just died though so show him some grace. He’s allowed to be upset and misdirect it all over the place
NTA. This is a professional arrangement and not a personal relationship. It’s unreasonable to have the expectation of friendship. If it develops organically, that’s fine, but expecting a friendship is not reasonable.
NTA.
*he felt like our “friendship” was one sided and I only saw him as a language exchange partner*
Well, der. You see him as a language exchange partner because… he IS a language exchange partner!
That’s what he signed up for. Not to find a best buddy, an emotional support animal, or a romantic interest. If that’s what he wanted, there are other programs and apps to cater for his needs.
*said that he had hopes that we could meet, but that basically I let him down lol.*
He can have whatever hopes he likes. You made it very clear how much you could commit to. Any expectations or hopes he may have had beyond that are entirely his to manage, and are nothing to do with you.
*perhaps I didn’t make it very clear that my purpose was for language learning and not necessarily friendship.*
You shouldn’t NEED to make that clear!
Do not feel bad about not responding to his texts promptly. Do not let him make you feel you have done anything wrong. If he hasn’t already blocked you, feel free to quote any of he above to him.
*I’ve had multiple language exchange partners (pretty much all men now that I think about it) that are fine in the beginning, but kind of start to have different expectations.*
Is this language exchange thing part of a formal program where someone in charge assigns an exchange partner to you? Or are the language exchange partners people that you seek out on your own, e.g. via an app or a website?
If it’s the former, then it’s time to have a word with whoever runs this program. There’s a distinct pattern developing here – it’s not a coincidence. People seem to be signing up for this program in the hope of finding a romantic partner and perhaps even a gateway to migrating to your country. That is not the purpose of the program. It’s fine if feelings happen to develop between two people organically, but no one should be signing up with that expectation and then making the other person feel bad when they don’t reciprocate. Whoever is running this program needs to be aware of what some participants are doing, and needs to put some firmer guidelines in place. Making each exchange partnership finite would be one option – say, six months or a year. At the end of that time, the participants would say goodbye and good luck, and then step away from the formal communication channel and get assigned to a different partner. (I hope these exchange partners aren’t automatically given your personal phone number or email address!)
If it’s the latter – if there’s no formal program and you select the exchange partner yourself – then I guess you’ll just have to be very careful who you select as an exchange partner (maybe stick to women for a while?), and keep making it very clear upfront how much or little you can commit to. Perhaps you WILL need to spell out to them what should be obvious but is not getting through to some of them: you’re here for language exchange only, and you’re not looking for a new best friend or romantic interest.
And personally, I would avoid telling anyone anything about my personal life other than the totally anodyne. If you’re currently single, don’t tell them that, because some people will interpret that as a big flashing neon sign that says “available!” I would feel very comfortable responding to intrusive questions with “I prefer not to talk about my personal life. Now, tell me more about the beaches of Portugal / Brazil / wherever…”
NTA
As he said: you’re not friends