edit: just polished the post a bit and specified some things:)
I’m stuck in a really uncomfortable situation and honestly don’t know what the “right” thing to do is anymore.
About 3–4 months ago, a new roommate moved into my apartment (it’s a small 2-person flatshare). Pretty much the day she moved in, I noticed a very strong, persistent bad smell coming from her and especially from her room. The smell spreads into the shared spaces (kitchen, living room, bathroom, hallway) and lingers there. It’s constant, and being at home has become really stressful for me. After a few weeks, I brought it up as gently as I could. At that point I didn’t explicitly say “body odor” because I wasn’t 100% sure. She immediately started crying and told me she had been bullied as a teenager because of her smell and that this topic is extremely traumatic for her. I felt horrible, so I didn’t bring it up again and waited for her to maybe address it herself. She never did, and nothing changed.
A few days ago, I finally brought it up again and this time I clearly said that the smell seems to be sweat/body odor. She said things like “I can’t change” and “this is just how I am” and explained that she has hormonal issues that cause stronger body odor. Later she sent me a long message saying this topic is retraumatizing for her, that any suggestions about hygiene feel overstepping (she compared it to telling a depressed person to “just go for a walk”), and that she wants full autonomy over what she does with her body. She said I could suggest things like airing out the apartment or using air fresheners in shared spaces. The problem is: it’s winter, it’s cold, and I can’t realistically keep the windows open all the time. Air fresheners also don’t actually fix the issue, they just mix with the smell. The apartment is small, and at this point I notice that I’m avoiding her, avoiding shared spaces, and I don’t feel comfortable inviting friends over anymore because I’m embarrassed by the smell.
As her roommate, I also can’t help but notice that she rarely does laundry, showers infrequently, and seems to use little or no deodorant. But she’s also been very clear that I’m not allowed to comment on or ask her to change these things. She said something on the lines of „the more she thinks about it (through reminding herself to shower more, use deodorant etc.) the worse it get’s.
I feel very bad because I know this is tied to past trauma for her, and I feel like an asshole for bringing it up. At the same time, I feel constantly tense and uncomfortable in my own home, and I don’t see how to solve this.
AITA for wanting her to change something about her hygiene, or for thinking about telling her that she might have to move out?
NTA. Bullied? Sure. Sucks. That said, you can change. If this is that traumatic she should seek therapy vice doing nothing
NTA. Basic hygiene is important for everyone. Especially when you live in a shared space. I would let her know that although the topic is uncomfortable it is something effecting your quality of life as a roommate. That if she can’t maintain basic hygiene and cleanliness then living together is not going to work.
I think the thing is, there are people who shower 1-2 times a week and that‘s fine for them because they don‘t sweat a lot or smell fast. So I think she wouldn’t consider her hygiene bad herself – while i considerint her smell that she would have to shower everyday, use a good deodorant and not wear clothes more often than once. I feel like she doesn‘t/wouldn‘t „accept“ this
The smell is evidence that her hygiene is not properly maintained. Maybe she’s convinced herself it doesn’t matter how often she showers (or maybe it truly doesn’t matter, but I doubt that). She’s obviously still in some sort of denial about her condition, since she seems like she refuses to take basic steps to resolve the issue. Maybe she’s convinced her self none of it matters and she stinks anyway.
Would LOVE to sit in on a therapist session with her and see how she approaches this (assuming I could stay in a room with her that long)
Please updateme with what you decide to do
NTA – you are not compatible as roommates.
NTA. It wasn’t wrong of you to bring this up because it truly is a problem in a shared space. Now that she’s told you she can’t or won’t change, it makes you incompatible roommates.
It’s unfortunately more awkward to have to give her notice rather than move out yourself. I wouldn’t expect to be friends with this person afterward, but I also don’t think you would be TA for asking her, with whatever the correct amount of notice is in your jurisdiction, to leave.
NTA. Honestly when somebody lets their hygiene go like that I always think it’s mental health. But regardless, you don’t have to pay half the rent to live somewhere that doesn’t feel comfortable or like home for you. I’m not sure what your lease agreement is… Maybe you mentioned it and I missed it. But I wouldn’t stay in a situation like that. You should live somewhere that you can feel comfortable. And if she knows that it’s an ongoing issue, she should’ve said something before she moved in
OP, NTA. I am a large woman with hormonal issues (hypothyroidism and perimenopause ftl) and I live in a very hot and humid state. I don’t stink. Why? Because A: daily shower with multiple showers if I have been working outside and sweating, B: laundry washed every week, every other at the max, and C: I give a rat’s ass.
I do not wear perfume, but I do use a moderate scent deodorant (Native, cedarwood and bergamot)
Your roommate may have health issues, but she is using that as an excuse. It is not healthy to stink. Not taking care of your hygiene is not acceptable if you live with someone else.
Stinking like you are describing could be symptomatic of skin and or gynecological infections. If she is an untreated diabetic, she could also get very funky due to having a sugar balance making her skin and mucosa a smorgasbord for yeast, fungi, and bacteria
So in other words, tell her to go to the doctor, because there is something wrong… Either it’s just poor hygiene, or there is a major time bomb about to go off
NTA. You may also want to consider getting the landlord involved since if the smell is that bad, it may be getting into the walls/carpet/furniture.
NTA.
It’s unfortunate that your roommate has irreversible issues, but there has to be at least a halfway point to meet. Waterworks and saying, “I can’t change,” is b/s. If your roommate is unable to handle constructive criticism tell your roommate to kick rocks.
Even if there are genuine reasons that prevent her from showering and doing laundry, then it is her responsibility to find a place by herself, not to inflict her problems on everyone else and shut down any discussion about it.
NTA
Nta.
She’s just playing a victim card when the reality is she doesn’t wash herself therefor she smells.
I’d move out personally as that’s a serious level of lazy to live with.
Maintaining personal hygiene to, at minimum, the level of not actively stinking in shared spaces is an important part of the social contract. Your roommate is being selfish and disrespectful. NTA.
NTA, I actually think she’s the asshole for expecting you, or anyone, to tolerate that.