Stay or Go?
(38F) Husband (40M) have been together for 16 years (married for 10). We have 2 children together.
In the past he had racked up around 25 000 worth of debt gambling. It was right after his dad had passed away and at the time I told him I was more upset about the lying and behind my back then the actual money as we could always pay it back. That was 7 years ago and since then have worked hard to become debt free and have savings (at the time had separate accounts but since then combined with me taking over all finances). I told him then it was his 1 and only warning.
I recently found out this has happened again… 6 grand in the last 6 months. He has been pulling money from his line of credit (which I don’t have my name on so couldn’t see…only found out as the loan interest payment came out of our joint checking)
I am shattered…he says hes sorry and he loves me and knows he fucked up…..do I stick around or cut my losses, take the kids, and set up on our own (to clarify would never keep him from seeing the kids but I just don’t feel like I can trust him anymore)
Separating finachally is a good idea even if you don’t devorce.
Make sure all your finaces are separate from him and all debt it his responsibility and won’t effect you or your children (or the house).
A devorce lawyer is definitely what you need here, again, even if you don’t devorce.
What are you other thoughts on leaving?
Also get in contact with the bank. Many banks can now block gambling payments. It’s not bullet proof but it’s an addiction barrier.
You told him that you weren’t going to accept another occurrence of this, so now you need to enforce that boundary. Otherwise, you send the message that the ‘one and only warning’ wasn’t *really* his last chance, and this will almost certainly happen again. I was married to a gambling addict, and in our very short marriage, I lost track of how many times he apologized, said he loved me, begged for another chance, and promised that it would never happen again…
Trust is one of those things that takes months and years to build, and a single second to destroy. And once it’s gone, it’s incredibly difficult to repair. Remember that your kids are looking to you to model healthy relationship behaviors and to see what they should and shouldn’t accept for their future relationships. Your statement that you wouldn’t keep him from the kids is a good one, and I’ll share with you the same advice my mom gave me when I got my divorce: Don’t ever bad mouth your ex, but don’t lie to the kids either. Tell them as much of the truth as is age appropriate, and allow him to conduct his relationship with them on his own.
I would probably stay living with him like roommates for the children but technically divorce him and separate finances to protect yourself financially.