I recently started my career earning about 70k gross / 40k net and my father is a banker, so I own the buidling I live in, and money is not an issue in the long term for me. From my salary since starting this job, I have enough left over to buy myself something nice every couple months, an espresso machine in January, new ski equipment and ski clothes in November, a mountain bike in September, etc. I’ve had chronic health issues, so treating myself is important to me.
My partner earns a decent amount more than me, 85k gross / 55k net, but lives in a NYC-level expensive city, has expensive rent and groceries, and he says he doesn’t have anything left over at the end of the month to save. He doesn’t get any family support either.
Since I just started my job I’ve got lots of upward mobility and will likely earn more than him in a couple of years.
We’ve always split things 50-50, but when I asked him if he wanted to join me for vacation in South Africa, he asked me if I would pay for half of his plane ticket because my work is paying for mine. He also asked if I would help pay for his train tickets to see him instead of splitting them 50-50 (We’re based in Europe and have to live far apart because of our jobs and it’s about $200/mo for us). I told him I wouldn’t split the flight cost since mine is free because that’s a perk of my job and I told him it was ridiculous that I should pay for his train tickets because we’re not that far apart in income and we’ve always split things 50-50. It honestly gave me a weird feeling about him that he asked that and I told him so. AITA?
NAH I don’t think you’re an arsehole for not wanting to, but I don’t think your partner is for asking if they are genuinely struggling. Maybe time to have a conversation about finances as a whole though and see whether there is anything they can do to reduce expenses
NTA for not wanting to pay for his ticket… but you should if you want him to go. He clearly can’t afford it.
This disparity in disposable income sounds like it will become an issue in the future. At some point you are going to have to make a decision: do you go on a nice but expensive vacation and pay for everything or do you go on a cheap but nice vacation that he can afford?
I actually have hope for your relationship… you are thinking very carefully and clearly about all of this. Now you need to talk with him.
Edited to add: I forgot to emphasize DISPOSABLE income. You both may have similar gross income but it sounds like he has very little disposable income. Which is why he shouldn’t, from a financial perspective, go on this trip. He can’t afford it.
NAH
If this is a relationship you see going long term, you ought to consider splitting things proportional to income / proportional to available spending money when it comes to things you do together and presumably both have a benefit from doing (like visiting each other).
It’s fine to not want to take disproportionate expenses but you and your boyfriend may not be financially compatible – they are not going to live at your level and there may be resentment either way
YTA, look if I was making 40k in fun money a year and had a partner who was struggling and asked for help to come see me I would pay it. My boyfriend frequently offers me gas money because I always drive to his place. You don’t have to pay for vacation, but if you like this guy why not make it easier for him to come see you?
YTA. You are well aware of the difference between your situation and his. You own your place and have enough income remaining each month to splurge on luxuries. Meanwhile, your partner earns more than you but much more of his income goes towards rent, groceries, etc. You yourself mention that he lives in a high cost of living location… but now you’re acting like it gives you the ick that he’s asking for a little grace from you… a little help… so that he can spend time with you. You can say no, but you’re really coming across as judgmental towards your partner who is struggling. How about you sit down with him and have a conversation so you can better understand his situation and perspective.
YTA
Something about your tone here leaves a very bad taste in one’s mouth. This man is clearly not on your social / fiscal level and you’ve already started the process of looking down upon him, so may as well end it now and go find men on your similar hierarchy.
The tone is “Why should I? Handle your own shit, not my problem.”
Even if OP is _technically_ correct, it’s not going to be a problem for anyone much longer if she keeps going like this. It’s not like he’s asking her to pay his rent, he’s asking for help paying for things that let them spend time together.
If the guy can’t afford to keep seeing her, he just … won’t. And OP will have chosen money over her relationship. Her choice, doesn’t make her an AH. But she should realize the decision she’s making.
YTA not because you don’t want to pay for him but because you ridiculed him for asking a perfectly reasonable ask from a partner.
If I was in your shoes, I would WANT to see my partner because I WANT to spend time with him. If my finances afforded it, I would absolutely do that because I don’t want money to be the reason why we can’t have this shared experience.
Why are you guys even together if you are looking at money in such a selfish way?
Thats what threw me off too, Op has house (whole ass building with potential for tenants) payed and family support as well, but 200$ for train tickets to see someone they love is less important than a new coffee machine.
Like I get the principle behind the ticket, leaving the country isn’t something you do lightly so making partner pay for it is another for a consent that they are interested as well. But the train ticket part blows my mind
OP has made it clear to their boyfriend that he should just find a new partner who lives in his city so he doesn’t have to spend money travelling to see a person who doesn’t seem to actually care about him at all.
He’s not ‘someone else’, he’s your partner. YTA for not realising how lucky you are to be in the position you are and wanting to share some of that luck with the person you supposedly care about. You could easily afford to help him out and both have an amazing holiday together but you want to pay nothing even though you can whilst he pays a huge amount which he can’t afford.
YTA for being so rude about it. Why wouldn’t you want him to go? Do you even like him? I mean “money is not an issue” fancy pants. You do you, but you’re probably better off finding someone of your own economic status. Maybe a rich banker like your daddy
NAH
I think there’s just a huge misunderstanding of what ‘equal’ means here. You have $40k with zero housing costs (the dream!), and he has $55k in a city like NYC where rent probably eats 60% of that. In reality, you have way more ‘fun money’ than he does. It’s not about who earns more gross, it’s about who has more left at the end of the month. You guys need a serious talk about budgeting as a couple instead of just splitting receipts.
YTA. I thought rich people were different than the rest of us…. And they are!