(Sorry if its broken, despite it being my first language, english has always been kind of tricky for me)
A little bit of context, my friend ANN – (F20) does a lot of things impulsively and ends up getting some negative consequences out of it.
Nothing illegal or terribly awful, it’s things like accidentally talking about something that she shouldn’t have spoken about or naively going into situations that don’t sound the most trustworthy.
A little context for me, I (F21) am an extremely blunt person. i mean well, but sometimes my delivery can come off a little too raw and honest.
Just to be clear, I never go to somebody and say they’re being an \[insert godawful insult\]. More as I point out exactly what they did wrong and why it wasn’t correct.
The thing is, I let all my friends know that I will be happy to help them BUT i’m always gonna give my honest advice and opinion. i would rather hear the truth than dance around the subject, because I don’t like fluff. however the kicker is, i don’t give unsolicited advice. i will only give my two cents if I am asked.
Recently, my friend had come up to me and asked some advice about boys, she was frustrated because a lot of her advances don’t work.
She’s kind of like me in the manner of we wish we were in relationships. however, i’m more on the side of sitting and waiting, if it’ll happen it’ll happen. she’s that person to jump into any relationship and get upset when it fails even though she’s just open to taking any kind of guy without setting any standards or boundaries.
I took a bit of a pause, and I had told her that honestly I think what is happening isn’t surprising. that she doesn’t set any boundaries and that she’s too impatient to actually find a decent guy.
The part where I think I kind of messed up was, i told her it comes across that she doesn’t respect herself since it seems she just throws caution at the wind and will take anything that is available.
She got upset at me and told me that I was basically calling her easy, which wasn’t my intention. it didn’t help that I told her, her interpretation of my words aren’t my responsibility, if you didn’t want my opinion, you shouldn’t have asked.
I know I probably messed up somewhere, but I was genuinely trying to do that tough love and blunt awakening of the issues at hand.
(Edit)
Hey thank you everybody for your advice, it’s not the easiest to hear, but its definitely one hundred percent needed. Me and my friend are planning to talk tomorrow and i am absolutely going to be giving her the apology she needs and i’m going to take the accountability of my faults since I caused this.
I’m also really bad with social cues so this actually helps me a lot more than you think. I’m sure me and my friend can get through this as we have been friends for over six years but it’s gonna need some serious work on my end.
Soft YTA honestly. Not for being honest; she did ask for your opinion; but delivery matters. Saying she “doesn’t respect herself” hits way harder than just pointing out patterns or boundaries. Also, telling someone their interpretation isn’t your responsibility can feel dismissive. You can be honest and kind at the same time. Sounds like good intentions, just maybe a little too blunt this time.
Thank you, honestly, I think I just got kind of defensive which was the last thing she needed. I appreciate it.
I agree with the above comment but I also want to ask your friend what she thinks being “easy” means and then ask her how she thinks that’s different from what she’s doing. (Don’t actually ask her that)
Dating is kinda like thrifting though. If you just want a lot of cheap clothes then yeah, you can breeze through a couple stores and get some stuff that’ll hold you over for a while, maybe get a couple fun shirts. If you’re looking for something specific, like a cashmere sweater, you can’t just go to any goodwill, you gotta go to the right store, take your time looking, and not just settle for some polyester hoping it’s gonna feel the same or hold up as well.
The problem with brutal honesty is never that it’s “too honest.”. It’s the brutality that is the problem. People who say they’re “too honest” are avoiding actually admitting the problem so they don’t feel like they need to change how they treat people. Do better.
When you know you have a problem with being too harsh/brutal with your feedback, why on earth are you trying to give “tough love“? You need to be recalibrating to stop being so brutal, not giving yourself an excuse to be even harsher.
YTA.
YTA
Remember why she is telling you these vulnerable details- because she is your friend and she needs you to be a friend. Being honest does not mean that be being mean is okay nor does the request for advice involve making accusations about her internal motivations.
There was an opportunity to not make accusations, to give advice about how to set boundaries and standards, and to deliver your thoughts like a friend would- but I don’t see that you took the right way to deliver your honest feedback.
When you care about people, you should care how your words affect them. If your meaning is misunderstood, telling someone you claim to care about, “Well thats your problem.” isn’t terribly caring.
I feel like people that pride themselves on being “blunt” feel like that excuses them from responsibility for any damage their words and actions cause. Friendship calls for compassion and trust. That means thinking about what you want to get across and saying it in a way that doesn’t add to their distress.
YTA
YTA
Being blunt is an excuse, making it a personality quirk instead of taking responsibility for the fact that you don’t give (or don’t know how to give) advice or offer constructive criticism, you’re just critical.
You definitely could have phrased it nicer and with some more respect. This was on you and how you said it, honesty without kindness is just cruelty with a defense of saying ‘im just blunt’.
You’re right, i’m pretty bad with social cues so until I figure out how to properly communicate, I think i’m just gonna stop giving advice. (I don’t believe I should be giving advice if I can’t do it properly)
“I am extremely blunt”. This is an excuse people use to be an AH. It doesn’t justify your behaviour and it doesn’t make you any more insufferable. Get out of leaning on this excuse for shitty behaviour and learn to take more accountability for your own words and actions.
I agree, thank you. I also definitely got really defensive when she called me out. Me and her are planning to talk tomorrow and I’m absolutely i’m going to be taking accountability.
My track record with guys also isn’t the most clean so honestly, looking back, I don’t even know why I spoke.
>it didn’t help that I told her, her interpretation of my words aren’t my responsibility, if you didn’t want my opinion, you shouldn’t have asked.
How you phrase things is your responsibility. Presumably you care about your friend and her feelings, so maybe put a little effort into how you phrase things so that your friend’s “interpretation” of your words reflects what you mean to convey.
YTA
NTA, not sure what all these weird comments are about. This is normal good friend behavior, at least for dudes. If it hurt her it’s because it was true. The truth hurts. You’re just looking out for her. Unless of course you did do it with the intention of being hurtful which a lot of the other comments are assuming
**YAH**
You state flatly you are gonna give your opinion if asked for help. Then, without missing a beat, you claim to not give unsolicited advice. Do you see the disconnect there? It makes it very hard to be your friend. Not only do I need to **want** your blunt opinion, I have to ask for it too.