My grandma (73F) and I (27F) have always been very close. She’s the person I’ve gone to for everything my whole life. Over the past several months, though, I’ve noticed memory issues. At first it was small things like repeating conversations, forgetting dates, or not remembering where she keeps things in her own kitchen (she once forgot where the Tupperware was, and she’s always the one packing leftovers for everyone).
Last October she hit a camper with her car. She has never been in an accident in her life, so that really stood out to me.This past Saturday really scared me. I went shopping with her and my partner. After we left, she became anxious because she thought she hadn’t bought us anything but she had. She just didn’t remember. Then she forgot where I live. I’ve lived at the same address for a while.
For context, my great aunt passed away this past Thursday, and my great uncle is currently in hospice with cancer. Emotions are already high, and I’ve been grieving and overwhelmed.
My dad and I have both been noticing changes in my grandma, so I reached out to him afterward because I was scared and honestly devastated. I’ve been crying off and on all weekend. I specifically asked if we could talk to my grandpa privately and figure out next steps as a family because my grandma is in denial.
Instead of doing that, my dad made a vague Facebook post about knowing someone with memory issues. He didn’t name her, but family members put it together.
Now my grandparents are upset and blaming me for “causing problems” by talking to my dad. I don’t agree with him posting about it, especially since she hasn’t even been diagnosed yet. Since then, things have escalated. I’ve essentially been disowned, and my grandpa told me that my family hates me.
All of this happened because I told my dad I was scared after my grandma forgot my address.
I feel guilty that this blew up, especially during an already painful week for my family, but I also don’t think I’m wrong for being concerned about her health. I’m honestly more worried now that because everyone is defensive, she won’t get evaluated at all.
AITA for telling my dad out of concern and asking for a private family conversation?
Honestly NTA but you should have gone to your grandfather or even talked to your grandmother
NTA. Your dad is for posting about it instead of addressing it in private with family first. Your family is also being a bunch of AHs blaming you for what your dad did.
NTA- you did the right thing by speaking to your dad. I suspect your grandpa is just upset because he knows it is true also but scared. Your dad should speak with them and let them know that you knew nothing about the post and only had her best interest at heart. I suspect things will calm down.
you’re NTA. your dad is an AH for post family business like that. Likely, your grandpa is just embarrassed and felt blindsided by people outside of immediate family weighing in on his wife’s health. next time, talk to your dad and grandpa together since your dad can’t be trusted to keep family business in the family. i’m sorry you’re getting the heat your dad should be receiving. hopefully they come around soon when they realise that they are acting out of embarrassment rather than logic
NTA but your grandma needs to see her doctor. UTIs can cause confusion in older adults. It would be helpful to rule out more treatable conditions before dementia.
NAH. If a post that vague clued everyone in, it wasn’t hidden. Your family hates you for something everyone clearly already knew? Is grandpa ok?
NTA at all and you should be concerned, grandma is showing alarming symptoms. Hopefully in a week or two, when emotions aren’t running quite so high, you can have a calm conversation with your grandpa and explain to him your concerns and recommend a visit to the doctor. Grandpa knows what is going on, if you’ve noticed, he must have too, but does not want to admit it. Tell him the sooner treatment begins, the better quality of life grandma will have.
NTA at all. I’m so sorry to hear this, people are complex, and dealing with the loss of faculties in loved ones is one of the hardest things for a family to process. Unfortunately at some point, denial will simply be impossible to sustain. You don’t say how your relationship with your father has been affected? Hopefully you’re both in a good place. Your father’s situation is a good example of how hard it is to deal with these sorts of situations – even as a (presumably) middle aged man, he struggled to work out how to respond to the situation, or so it seems. To my mind one of the most important things in life is to give one another grace for our imperfections – I don’t direct that at you, but rather the way your family is responding. Though times.
NTA. She needs to see a neurologist.
My mom has Alzheimer’s (as did her mother) and there are medications out there to try to slow it down.
NTA
Even if it means you don’t get to speak to your grandparents for a while, it’s so much better that people are aware and will look out for your Grandma. Older people are terrified they will be stuck into a home if they are diagnosed with a condition like dementia so it’s understandable that they reacted badly. You can do your own research about dementia (there are lots of different types including Alzheimer’s) and how to best help people who have been diagnosed and what care they can have while still living at home and how best to support your granddad too. You absolutely did the right thing. If anyone is an ah it’s your dad, he didn’t do anything but make a Facebook post, such an ridiculous thing to do in the face of a family issue. Once you have some research and figure out ways of helping your grandparents I would suggest paying them a visit to talk things out and offer help where you can. My FIL has dementia, it took his wife literal years to accept that his brain simply couldn’t work the way it used to so don’t expect much from them in the beginning. But honestly the more people who know the better because a community of people looking after your grandparents is so much better than them hiding it and fearing the life ahead of them.
>I’ve essentially been disowned, and my grandpa told me that my family hates me.
Oddly enough, I’m going through the same thing, for the same reasons.
Denial and anger usually go hand-in-hand with family dealing with any sort of serious illness. Good on you for recognizing some of the signs, and expressing your concern. Since her declining mental state has been putting her in danger, it’s time to bring this to her doctor. Tell them what you have been observing, including the accident.
NTA for caring
NTA.
It’s a complete overreaction. As was said above, if a vague post by dad resulted in people quickly connecting the dots, you weren’t the only one to see Grandma’s problems. YOU didn’t go to social media, dad did; that’s not on you. Now their fear and worry is being projected on to you negatively with poor results. Again, not your fault.
Dementia is very hard to deal with even in families that deal with it in a healthy way. However, in some families, coping with it comes with generational issues. Grandpa may be feeling shame, or feel it makes him look bad, to have a wife with dementia – yeah, it’s a weird thing, but it *is* a thing in older generations. There’s also a lot of denial and refusing to cope. That will make things harder in the months and years to come.
My own FIL was pretty much in denial to the day his wife died. He would NOT take her to a specialist, but only eventually got a vague diagnosis from a GP, then dropped it.
He would gripe and bitch about having to care for her, to which I’d reply, “have you gotten a diagnosis?” or, depending on the gripes, “Have you looked into medications to help with the aggression?” He would then shut down until the next round.
I’m sorry your grandfather reacted that way, and poisoned the rest of the family. You’ve done what you can. All you can do now is watch, unless they relent (in which case, don’t let them dump her care solely on you). I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Your dad is a moron. I hope things settle with you and your grandparents. ❤️
>Since then, things have escalated. I’ve essentially been disowned, and my grandpa told me that my family hates me.
I’m not sure I would take Grandpa’s word on this one. He’s scared and scared people often switch over to anger. Anger feels proactive; fear just comes with a side of helplessness. Give it a couple of days and them reach out to the other family members. Some of them may be a little angry with you for making Grandma and Grandpa upset, but once they look at the issue honestly and openly, they, too may have been noticing problems.
The Grandpa issue needs work, though. If he’s digging his heels into stubborn denial, it could keep Grandma from getting the help she needs. This is something your whole family needs to approach together.