Hello everyone,
this is my first ever reddit post and english isn’t my 1st language so excuse any mistakes i might make.
Now to the story, I’ve (19f) been suffering from EDs since I was 13y.o., Orthorexia, Bulimia, Sports Bulimia, and now Binge Eating.
My parents have always been very supportive and helped me get through any relapses. this summer I wanted to start fresh, I’ve graduated Highschool and my ballet school (I’m a professional ballet dancer now) and I got a job offer in the same city that i grew up in. I found an apartment that was close to my parents place because I love them very much. but my parents were against me moving out as they thought that i wasn’t ready to live on my own yet. it was going well for a month but then i started to get worse again. i was in a toxic relationship with my narcissist ex partner and after i ended things i fell into a deep depressive state and my BED came back. in frustration i talked to my parents and decided that i should go to the psychiatrist and start taking antidepressants and changed therapists, i decided to temporarily move back in with them.
I now talked to my therapist about moving back to my place and she agrees with me. When i communicated that to my parents they absolutely freaked out and said that i’m not ready and i’d fall into the same problems and that it will be the end of my ballet career. when i told them that they got even angrier and if i’m proud of being the fattest dancer in the company. for context, i am the youngest there and i get really good opportunities and even solo roles, i am not obese but i also don’t have the perfect ballerina body. i trust that ill reach my best shape in time.
after some more arguing i decided to lock myself in the bathroom to calm down. but they unlocked the door from the outside which was a huge privacy invasion for me. then i decided to pack my things and leave in the morning. the next morning as i was about to leave my dad told me that he would never speak to me again if i move out and won’t help me in any situation, so i stayed but i will moving out after my next big show.
am i the asshole for wanting to move out when i genuinely feel that i’m ready?
NTA. Please keep seeing your therapist and taking your meds. Be gentle with yourself.
I was almost ready to side with your parents due to your age and unfortunate relationship with food, right up until they dropped their “if i’m proud of being the fattest dancer in the company” comment, and then doubled down with the “I’ll never speak to you again” ultimatum. I’m no therapist, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this is EXTREMELY disruptive to your treatment, and the abuse will likely continue if you decide to stay.
NTA – follow your therapists advice and move out.
I truly hope you and your therapist find a way to help you work through your EDs.
Yeah no wonder where these EDs came from if her parents talk to her like that…
As soon as I read that line I knew exactly why OP has an eating disorder and how she ended up with a toxic ex. OP NTA. Your parents I am sure have said things like this for your entire life. They are showing toxic traits. We learn what we live and unfortunately, you have lived with toxic people. Please move out again ASAP and follow the advice of your therapist. Let them know what your parents have said and done. Get her to help you with unpacking this and finding ways to cope.
Yeah, I did a double take when I read that bit.
You’re spot on. Wonderful, supportive, loving parents don’t:
* care more about their daughter’s career than her well-being
* call their daughter with a history of eating disorders FAT (absolute wtf moment – I guess we know where her EDs came from…)
* threaten to cut off their adult daughter for the crime of wanting to move out
They sound controlling more than caring.
Does not compute:
>My parents have always been very supportive and helped me get through any relapses.
and
>they got even angrier and if i’m proud of being the fattest dancer in the company.
and
>they unlocked the door from the outside which was a huge privacy invasion for me.
and
>the next morning as i was about to leave my dad told me that he would never speak to me again if i move out and won’t help me in any situation,
We’re missing something here.
If your parents were truly supportive, I could understand their concern that living alone may be too much and that they may be acting out in fear for their daughter or genuine concern over what’s best for you.
But you’re not describing the actions of supportive parents here. We are not getting the full picture but what little you’ve painted is… pretty ugly. You are NTA and based on these snippets of their behavior, getting away from them may be the best thing you could possibly do for your own health and well-being.
I think you need to talk to your therapist to explore the possibility that your parents are emotionally abusive and controlling and have convinced you that that’s what care and support looks like. It isn’t.
This is what jumped out to me too. OP you’re NTA and I don’t think your parents are as supportive as you think they are. You need a little distance from them
YANTA – it shouldn’t be your parents that decide for you but they know you better than anybody else.
IMO – your father is trying to do his best to help you. One thing that you could consider is going back to your apartment at first one day a week, then 2 etc. This will give you a chance to adapt and if you start to go downhill you can slow down your integration.
I wish you the best.
ESH. You are consumed with you and your problems. Your parents have been there for you over and over again and you seem to rely on them every time your life falls apart.
At this point I suspect they live with fear and stress consuming them about when you will next be ill, get in a horrible relationship, etc. They are likely constantly on edge.
Should they prevent you from moving out? No. But you need to also then realize that you will need to get yourself through the next trauma in your life as you are wearing them out.
You said you have a good relationship with them and they love you. I suspect they see you aren’t ready and just want you to stay stable for a while. How long have you seen this new therapist? It seems likely they see a lot more than her because they are with you on a daily basis.
So my suggestion is —you do what you want. But you don’t rely on them anymore to get you through these serious issues. They are burning out and living on fear. You’re shortening all of your lives. Do you know what it is like to live in constant fear of a loved one dying? It’s awful. It’s debilitating. If I were them I’d get therapy as well and learn how to set healthy boundaries. It sounds like your father desperately needs it.
Did you miss this part?
>When i communicated that to my parents they absolutely freaked out and said that i’m not ready and i’d fall into the same problems and that it will be the end of my ballet career. when i told them that they got even angrier and if i’m proud of being the fattest dancer in the company.
From that little tidbit, I suspect OP’s parents are not as supportive as she may think. That’s not something a worried parent says to their daughter struggling with EDs. they sound more worried about her career than her actual health. Unfortunately OP just may not know any better because it’s all she ever experienced.
You’re an adult. Your parents have no power or authority over you. Whatever control you think they have is entirely in your head. Your Dad knows this which is why he’s desperate and saying wild things.
Do what you think is best. It is not relevant who the AH is.
I’m a little confused by d SF one of this picture—the “very supportive” parents vs. asking you “if you’re proud of being the fattest dancer” (assuming I’m reading that right; there’s a word or two missing). Someone isn’t fully hearing someone else.
Might you and your parents meet with your therapist all together to discuss your moving out? Share their concerns, why you feel ready, and discuss some of the language they use to move/control your actions. There’s a lot to unpack in your post, and I think you’d all benefit from a guided conversation.
INFO: Is ballet something you genuinely wanted to do or were you pressured into it by your parents at all? Were your parents restricting your diet before you were 13? Is your parents’ comment about your weight something they’ve said to you before, or anything similar like that?
You’ve got an apartment. Go there. Don’t wait.
Don’t run away, explain to them your reasoning, hold your head high and walk out the door. Like a fully functional adult.
Your parents will talk to you, they’re just worried, because you’ve given them reason to worry in the past, and well, the recent present.
But you have to learn to live on your own, you’re not far, so go. Learn.
And please stop saying they violated your privacy by entering the bathroom while you were in there. I have no doubt they probably saved your life multiple times by unlocking that bathroom door while you were in the lowest parts of your ED.
NAH for caring