About two months ago my(22) brother(24) and my sister(16) had an explosive argument that ended in my sister storming off. I was not present during this argument and only found out when my sister made a group chat that included all of us siblings. She sent us a long text where she vented and insulted everyone of us in many ways. She also called my mother (we don’t have the same mom) a psychotic bitch among other things. It was a really long and nasty text which she ended by saying that she never wants to talk to any of us again.
At first I was shocked and only got the context after I called our father. He and my stepmom had a talk with her, and then called me back to say that she has calmed down and has agreed to apologize to us.
I was gathering my thoughts about everything and after few days of not hearing anything from my sister, I decided to reach out first. I texted her privately that I’m not angry with her and would like to talk about what happened when she was ready. She left my text on read.
After few weeks of thinking things I decided to reach out to my dad and stepmom and we met up to talk. I send my sister a message too saying that she can join us to talk things through. She ignored that text too. Stepmom said that my sister feels bad and emberrassed about the whole situation. My dad just says that saying sorry is difficult and we should make up. I decided to give my sister time and reach out when she’s ready but she has yet to do so.
My brother’s birthday came and my dad threw a small party for him. I was asked to come but declined after asking if my sister is coming. My sister never reached out to apologize to us and I thought it would be super awkward to attend when we haven’t made up yet. I explained again that I was not angry and would love to come but cannot just sit there and pretend like nothing happened before things are talked through.
I said to my dad that I will not be coming to any family events or dinners until my sister answers my texts and is willing to talk with me about what happened. My dad just said that I’m allowed to do that but that i should be understanding towards my sister and that it is hard to apologize.
My brother, who had the argument with my sister in the first place, said that he just wants to have a nice birthday and not think about it.
More than anything, I’m worried. There was a lot of pent up anger in that message that needs to be adressed before it becomes even worse.
Now I’m doubting whether I made the right choice in giving her space. She is sixteen and still lives with her mom and our dad, which isn’t the easiest environment. Since I’m older, should I be the one reach out again and insist on talking? Am I the asshole for making a boundery like that, and refusing to go visit them until she is willing to talk to me?
NAH leaning soft YTA, and I say that gently because your instinct is clearly coming from a good place
The problem is that skipping family events puts pressure on the wrong people — your family wants to do family things, your brother just wants a birthday. Your sister is 16, embarrassed, and probably feels cornered, which makes the apology harder not easier
You’re also linking two things that don’t need to be linked: wanting resolution (totally reasonable) and requiring it before normal family life resumes (less so)
If you’re genuinely worried about her — and it sounds like you are — the better move is to keep showing up as a calm, low-pressure presence. That’s actually what creates the conditions for a teenager to eventually open up. Staying away does the opposite
IMO you’re making your brother’s birthday about you and your sister, and if he’s forgiven her you should show up for him
She’s 16 and hormonal and you are much older. Yes, that means that if you want a relationship with her you should model how to repair a rift. Texting isn’t it btw. Demanding your sister apologize in a particular way is not conducive to healing.
Your parents know all involved and the advice they gave was to show up in person and to bury the hatchet. If you think it’s awkward to attend a party without clearing the air, then go visit. Tell your sister that she hurt your feelings. Then go to the party and leave things be. Otherwise you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.
If you are lying about being mad and you actually want your sister to grovel that’s a whole different thing but you should consider that someone who was very frustrated, held it in until they exploded and then doesn’t want to talk about it probably doesn’t need “space” but needs to know that you love them anyway. Hard to show that if you are refusing to be in the same room until they reach out properly.
ESH a little, but only a little tiny bit.
I’ll tell you a secret – teenagers are nuts. Teenagers and toddlers often experience a lot of big feelings that they don’t really know how to process, sometimes this results in tantrums and them acting like AHs. This is the nature of the beast. But also like toddlers, they have to learn to self regulate and that the world doesn’t revolve around their feelings.
You’re an adult but you’re really not that far off of being a teenager yourself. I understand you want to talk this out and think there is something bigger or more meaningful going on beyond hormones, and it sounds like you’re good at regulating, but remember that part about the world not revolving around their feelings? Yeah.
It’s one thing to stay away if you’ve decided to limit contact or go no contact, but if you’re just staying away to make everyone else unhappy in order to force your sister’s hand and make her talk to you, you’re not being much more mature than she was, right?
If you decide to limit contact, go for it, if you just want to hash things out, you have to wait until she’s ready and not punish everyone else for her not being ready. Just try to give it some time.
> I [ ] would love to come but cannot just sit there and pretend like nothing happened
So don’t? You don’t have to treat your sister exactly the same as before. You can be civil but distant with her and focus on your brother, but attending his birthday party isn’t pretending nothing happened unless that’s what you do.
Soft YTA because you’re making family events, specifically your brother‘s birthday, about you and your sister and lingering issues. Your brother himself said he just wanted to have a good birthday, which I’m assuming includes having you there.
I get that you may want to talk things out with your sister, but pushing things isn’t going to help. All it’s doing is causing you to lose out on family events, potentially hurting the feelings of your family because your prioritizing an argument over spending time with them, and seemingly not resolving anything with your sister because she’s not responding well to your current approach.