I (26M) moved into a rental home with my (25F) girlfriend about 7 months ago. We both make about the same amount of money and split the rent and utilities 50/50. We have no kids or pets, and rarely have guests.
We found a townhome in a good location that was bigger than we needed but within our budget.
I agreed to try it, but told her that we needed to be mindful of the extra costs and that if the rent was raised we have to leave because it was the maximum we could afford.
I don’t struggle to make rent or pay the bills every month, but I am spending the absolute most I can afford without making major sacrifices.
The house feels to big for us. We have two bedrooms that are rarely used and a lot of empty space that goes untouched.
The opportunity cost feels high. So much money that could be used traveling or enjoying our time with no kids or responsibilities is tied up into having this house in the suburbs where our neighbors are all way older than us.
Spending so much on rent pushes back our timeline to own a home. The less we spend now, the quicker we can afford a house that we truly own.
On her side, ever since we’ve moved in she’s been glowing about how much she loves this place. She says it’s “our home” and doesn’t want to leave for several years until we are ready to buy.
She’s spent a lot of money and effort decorating the space and buying furniture and constantly talks about how much she loves making it “our house”
I told her recently that I want to move out at the end of the lease and downsize to a smaller home or apartment where we would use all of the space and save money.
I feel like giving this up in the short term will lead to a better situation down the road, giving us a house like this that we have equity in.
She didn’t take this well, saying she’s spent so much time and effort building “our home” and walking away from it isn’t fair.
I’ve maintained it’s not “our home” because somebody else owns it, and that we could be forced to leave if the landlord raised the rent, and that she should save the effort she’s putting in now for when we own a place and it’s actually ours.
She then told me that living where are now is “her dream” and that she doesn’t want to give it up and that it’s not fair to her to sacrifice this when it’s what she really wants in life.
Despite my financial objections she remains firm that she wants to stay here and doesn’t want to move unless we are forced to.
TLDR: girlfriend and I rent a home that’s bigger than we need and is the absolute limit of our budget. For financial reasons I want to leave, but she insists on staying because she loves the house.
NAH. You can both want what you want. And, because of your feelings, I would strongly urge you not to sign a new lease when the time comes. You can get your own place if need be.
Sounds like the relationship has run it’s course if neither of you are compromising
NAH
NAH – but vou’re thinking like an investor, and
she’s thinking like a homemaker. Both are valid,
but you need a shared goal
Right now, you’re renting her dream at the
cost of your shared dream (owning a home). A
compromise isn’t unfair – it’s how partnerships
work. Maybe it’s a smaller place that still
feels like “home” to her, but lets you save
aggressively
Frame it as “us vs. the problem,” not “my logic
vs. her feelings.’ If her dream is a house, then
speeding up the timeline to ownership should
be the real goal
NTA for the original question. While I understand that your gf has dreams, she needs a reality check. Being in a relationship means sacrifice and compromise. You are right, it isn’t your home, it was your landlord’s. It would be better for the both of you in the long run to save and buy a house in the future, that way she can do whatever the hell she likes with it.
INFO: can you give some real numbers like what you pay currently and what you would pay by downsizing to what you want?
I lived on my own in an apartment in the city before we moved in together.
I spend roughly $400 a month more on rent, and $150-$200 more a month on utilities, in general I spend substantially more than I did when I lived on my own.
There are many major apartment complexes near us, so we could stay in the same neighborhood in an apartment and save around $4-$500 a month on base rent, and moving to a smaller space the utility bills would go down.
NAH you both have different opinions. Unfortunately, there is little room for compromise here. Unless you agreed to rent out one of the unused bedrooms, then you could stay where she wants to live and save money.
NTAH. For one thing, prioritizing eventual home ownership is smart long-term thinking, especially if you and your girlfriend are together for the long haul. Spending monthly amounts on rent chips away at savings, and you’re limited in aesthetic and functional control with many rental properties. If the space you’re renting also feels too big or underutilized, it might be time to reevaluate. Of course, if you don’t include your girlfriend in the eventual final decision or planning, that would be douchey, but it sounds like you’re aware of her feelings and have tried to talk with her about it rather than making decisions for her. Maybe sitting down and discussing long-term options and benefits versus costs might be helpful to you guys. Many young people today are unlikely to know the dream of home ownership due to economic constraints and unemployment, but at the same time, home ownership’s not right for everyone. It’s a very complex issue that will require both of you to really weigh your options carefully, but so far it sounds like you’re being very considerate of your girlfriend’s feelings, which is admirable.
It sounds like you have different life goals. That doesn’t make anyone an a h but you both need to be honest with each other about your future goals.
NAH
YTA, OP, but I need you to understand that it’s not because of your arguments, per se, but because you expect your arguments to have more weight than hers.
You aren’t in the situation you originally stated. The rent has not been raised beyond what you can comfortable budget. What’s happened here is that you have changed your mind, and that’s a discussion, not an ultimatum.
You two need to sit down and discuss what the next several years are going to look like, and figure out where you can compromise. Compromise means YOU have to give some things up too, OP, and unfortunately, where this is a yes-no, stay-go, question, only one of you will get what you want.
It will not be you, automatically. You have some valid arguments, to be sure, but emotional investment and financial investment in decor and upkeep are valid arguments on your girlfriend’s side.
This is hard discussion time, OP, not you telling someone else what they are going to do. Consider that you are the retractor here. You agreed to move in to this place, and have changed your mind without a chance in circumstance. You have to convince her to agree with you. You do not get to dictate anything other than whether YOU are willing to stay there, and by extension, the relationship. You don’t get to frame that as an ultimatum either. You make your arguments about cost of living and living space, and make decisions about your future based on the outcome of those discussions.
NTA. You’re much more likely to be able to get a place that you can really make “your home” if you live below your means now.
NAH
Could you rent the empty rooms out to friends? The rent they pay could help out, because then you’d be paying less.
NAH.
You want to save money and not live at your max. She loves the place because she’s made it feel like home. Both totally valid.
But this isn’t really about the house — it’s about different priorities. You two need a bigger convo about money, lifestyle, and future plans, or this same fight will keep coming back.
NTA. Unless the landlord sells the place to you all, it’s not your forever home.