I have a set bathing routine going back 10+ years, before my sister moved back home. I shower in the evening on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. (I am disabled, it is not feasible to shower every day, so please be kind)
My sister has been dating the same person for about 5 years now. I have no problems with him personally. What I am frustrated with is that she invites him into our 1-bathroom apartment at any time without letting anyone know. He’s here 4 or more days a week. He simply walks in without knocking or announcing his arrival.
And she never, ever, EVER goes to his place.
We all work full time jobs, we can’t see our significant others at all times. But how is it fair that I can’t bathe in my own home without wondering if someone who does not live here is going to be less than 5 feet away? We live in a small apartment! My bedroom and my sister’s bedroom are in the same tiny hallway as the bathroom.
I’ve tried bathing later in the evening, after 8 pm. I’ve tried bathing earlier, when I get home from work at 5:30 pm. I’ve tried bathing on different days. He’s never here at the same time so it’s a total crapshoot.
Whenever I bring up the subject, she immediately gets defensive. I’ve tried bringing it up to our mother but she doesn’t care – she thinks it’s weird I care if he’s here.
Is it really so strange??
What is the rationale you can’t bathe while he is in the apartment? Does the bathroom not have a lock or are you concerned about walking back to your room in a towel? I would install a lock and carry on with my schedule. (And maybe take his key away so he can’t come over unless your sister is with him).
It is not nice that he is always at your place I will give you that and it should be at least possible to get some heads up or like “on Mondays the apartment is off for guests” or something like that
But you have a bathroom door that locks right? Why does it bother you that there are people on the outside? Sorry I don’t get the issue I agree with your mother.
It sounds like the issue isn’t really the bathing per se but the dynamics of having guests over in a small shared apartment. You need to talk to her about boundaries.
It makes sense that you think someone letting themself into your place 4+ days a week is wearing out their welcome… but it’s really strange that you are giving him this much power over your bathing routine. It’s your apartment – take your bath and if he has to use the bathroom, he has to wait until your done.
Slightly TA for complaining to your mom about your sister like you are a child.
INFO: When you say he walks in unannounced, do you mean to the apartment or the bathroom?
If it’s to the apartment, fine. He can be there, why does that mean you can’t shower? Is it because you take a long time to do so? In that case I would just announce that you’re going in the bathroom and will be a while, if anyone needs to pee they can do it before you go in there. I grew up in a house with one bathroom and continue to live in a different one-bathroom house and this works fine.
If it’s to the bathroom, get a lock for your bathroom.
His presence in the apartment doesn’t mean you can’t shower.
A light YTA. Unless you’re paying for the majority of the apartment, it’s just something you have to deal with? Just the nature of having a roommate. Your sister has the right to have her partner over.
The situation would be different if he’s actively walking in on you or stopping you, but it seems you just don’t want him over at the same time.
Sorry but YTA. You need to just bathe with him at the apartment.
I’m also disabled and autistic with a set bathing routine. I have a towel that holds itself round me with velcro and straps, so I am well covered when I go from the bathroom to the bedroom without needing to hold it in place- so it stays put while I use a walker. Meaning no exposures to anyone whether they live here or not. I recommend you get something similar or get some clothes you can put on in the bathroom because worry about exposing yourself accidentally is the only reason I can see this being a problem.
As long as he is not in the bathroom or leaving it stinky when you need it, what does it matter what’s happening on the other side of a locked door? Your neighbours are also home on the other side of locked doors and might be able to hear through the walls/floors but there’s a locked door so who cares?
INFO NEEDED: As others have asked, does your bathroom lock? If not and you can’t change it (many renters are disallowed from modifying apartments, which some commenters seem unaware of), then you are nta in wanting notice of the bf’s visits.
Actually, there should be some consideration from your sister and her bf in any case. I would ABSOLUTELY be driven batty if someone showed up randomly 4 times a week.
But as for bathing, if you cannot lock the door or if your bathing routine is complicated by your disability and takes a while, I totally understand your discomfort.
If it is more that you are uncomfortable bathing while he is there just because he is there, you need to have a talk with your sister and find a compromise.
Also I am super curious (i.e. nosey as hell) as to why she can’t go to him. Is she his sidepiece? Secret from his family? Does he live in a group home for felons? Reddit wants to know.
Esh
Your sister sucks for giving her bf free reign over your guys’ apartment. It may be her place too but it’s yours as well and you should be able to feel comfortable in your own home.
You suck because you haven’t listed a single reason why you can’t bathe when he’s there except for simply existing. If you had said that you might be exposed or he goes into the bathroom without knocking or something then sure. But if he is just there then get over it?
Well, you *can* bathe with him there, you choose not to.
But it seems the issue is that you have an unwanted house guest for many days at a time.
Just tell your sister he has to pay rent if he’s there that long.
You *can* bathe in your home but you are choosing not to. 5 years is a pretty long time to know someone and not be comfortable taking care of your basic needs while they are there.
If she is paying her share of the rent, you cannot police her activity. But its not wrong or unreasonable to simply ask for communication if there is going to be a guest.
Part of sharing a space with someone is learning to compromise – i think you need to find a middle ground here.
I don’t know if I would call you an asshole, but you’re being irrational. He’s not coming in on you in the bathroom and you don’t have an issue with him. Don’t live with other people if you can’t handle this type of thing.
INFO: why can’t you bathe/shower while he is there? Him being “5ft away” isn’t really a good excuse unless he’s 5ft away from you *in the bathroom*.
INFO:
OP, I’ve read all the comments you’ve made here at the time of writing, and I’m puzzled about **why you’re zeroing in on this one thing**: the fact that you feel unable to bathe while he’s in the apartment.
I DO understand that the fact that he comes over unexpectedly rattles you. You never know just when he’s going to walk into the apartment unannounced. I completely get that. I’d feel the same way! I’d feel I could never truly relax, because any minute now, he might be in the room.
I also understand that you feel he’s spending too much time there. Four or more days a week? That’s not a guest. It’s practically a roommate! Again, I’d never be able to truly relax with this extra person in the house. I hope you’re not subsidizing the food he eats and whatever utilities he consumes.
But those are issues related to his impact on your lifestyle in general, NOT specific to the bathroom situation.
And frankly, I don’t understand what the issue is with the bathroom.
Are you worried he’ll barge in because you can’t lock the door due to your disability? Then hang a “bathroom in use” sign on the outside.
Are you worried he might see you returning to your room wearing a towel? Then get a large ankle-length robe that covers everything.
Are you worried he might want to use the bathroom while you’re in there? Don’t worry about it. His toileting needs are not your problem to solve. Make an announcement before you bathe that you’ll be using the bathroom for X minutes, and anyone who needs to pee should go NOW, before you start. And under no circumstances is he to say “I need to use the bathroom, it’s OK, I’ll be quick and I won’t look at OP” after you’re in there. If he suddenly needs to use the bathroom, he can drive somewhere else or go outside and find a tree.
If those things won’t solve your problem with the bathroom, then what exactly IS the reason you feel you can’t bathe while he’s in the apartment?