I’ve (27F) been with my now-fiance Dylan (M28) for 7 years and we finally got engaged ! The time has come for me to choose my maid of honor and I’m not sure whether to ask to my best friend Becca (27F).
Dylan introduced Becca to me when we started dating, knowing we had similar interests. We quickly became best friends and we supported each other through college and grad school.
However, since she started to date her boyfriend last year, your relationship has started to fade away. She is less responsive to my texts, doesn’t reach out anymore. As we grew, our lives have taken different paths : while she is exploring her sexuality (which I always supported and kept updates), I’ve become more involved in my faith. We don’t share as much in common as we used to.
There is some tension involving Dylan. Before I met him, they hooked up when they were teenagers. I later found out Becca had an unrequited crush for my boyfriend. Interactions between them are always super awkward. At my birthdays, I spend the night being the buffer between them.
Last fall, this led to an argument between Becca and me. She complained Dylan is less friendly than he used to be with her and that she feels out of place around him. I asked them several times to resolve their issues, but Becca has yet to respond to Dylan’s requests.
When I saw her last, I hinted that a wedding was maybe on the way. She wasn’t enjoyed for the least.
I have another close friend Sarah. We met in college and we share the same values and beliefs. She has always been supportive of my relationship and my faith. She got married recently and Dylan and I were involved. I feel comfortable with her being my maid of honor.
Choosing Sarah instead of Becca might be the last nail in the coffin of our relationship but I also want my wedding to feel comfortable. I might ask her just to be my bridemaid.
AITA for not choosing my best friend as my maid of honor?
NAH – You can chose anyone you’d like to be your MOH, and then you have to deal with those consequcnes. If Becca perceives this as a stab in the back and ends the friendship, then that is what happens. You aren’t an asshole for not chosing her, and she isn’t an asshole if she is hurt by this.
I mean, Becca is a bit of an AH if she’s presenting herself as OP’s best friend while nursing an unrequited crush on OP’s boyfriend, complaining about tension but refusing to address it, and failing to show any support for OP’s engagement…
Maybe, but my experience with religious people OP’s age has me doubting her interpretation of the described events so I’m not going to call Becca an AH unless I get to hear her side which probably won’t happen.
Personally, I wouldn’t choose one of my fiancee’s exes as a bridesmaid or maid of honor…. particularly if they still had a torch for the man and resented the fact that I was marrying him. NTA
Great point. Didn’t see it that way around. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
NAH: its your wedding do what you want.
i honestly could have gone y(t)a cause of the snide remarks about her sexuality and the unnecessary mention of your faith which makes it seem like you’re making it weird but with what is written its hard to say
NTA and neither is she if she gets upset. You don’t have to have a MOH you know, you can just have bridesmaids. But it sounds like the friendship is on its way out anyway tbh.
NAH. It doesn’t sound to me like you and Becca are actually best friends anymore. You don’t sound that comfortable with each other. She’s a longtime friend, though, and she’s clearly deeply important to you. I hope that you two can navigate this distance in a way that works for both of you.
Would it work for you to have co-MOHs? Is that dynamic likely to work? I’d say don’t do that if Becca and Sarah don’t get along or if you think you’re likely to gravitate toward Sarah and leave Becca odd woman out. But it’s an idea if it seems likely to go smoothly.
You *call* Becca your best friend, but that’s not the way you describe her. She comes across as your fiancé’s ex, and an envious one at that.
You WNBTA if you ask Sarah to be your MOH.
NTA.
It sounds like you are much closer to Sarah at this point in your life.
It also sounds like Dylan is uncomfortable with Becca.
It is a wedding for you and Dylan, not just you. Choose who makes you both the nist comfortable and happiest to have with you.
Why do you want someone who wants to have your life and your man as a bridesmaid ? She’s not really close anymore , she’s not happy for you , having her there in any role more than a guest seems like inviting trouble. If she chooses this as her hill to die on rather than supporting you the it’s on her not you.
NAH, it sounds like you and Becca are growing apart anyway. It’s your wedding, and you should have the MOH you choose. Becca might get her feelings hurt, or she might know deep down that this friendship is already fading and not want the responsibility.
NAH
Sounds like you’ve grow apart. It happens.
Side eying the comments about her sexuality and your faith. Reads very much like you’re being judgemental while trying to portray yourself as understanding. Sadly, that’s incredibly common amongst those that feel the need to showcase their new found faith.
I don’t think either of you will be missing much by ending this friendship.