I (24f) met him (31m) in an online game. We became close pretty quickly and voice-chatted almost every evening about games, family, friends, and also heavier topics like mental health. It was always strictly platonic.
I opened up to him about things I had never talked about with a friend before. I struggle with depression and low self-esteem, and he was very understanding because he has similar issues.
Early on, he told me he’d been bullied all his life because of his weight and said he weighed around 260 lbs. I was honest with him that I have serious issues with body fat in general, especially my own. Later, I asked about his height and he told me he was 5’11".
After about five months, we started talking about meeting in real life, and I agreed to visit him. Because I know my own issues, I really tried to put his height and weight into perspective. I even told him I was a bit worried I might feel intimidated since he was supposed to be much bigger than me, but I thought I could handle it.
After seven months of friendship, I traveled nine hours to meet him. When I arrived, it turned out he was actually the same height as me (5’3"), while his weight was as he had said. I struggled a lot with this and had a hard time looking at him. I could barely eat or sleep during the five days I stayed and felt dizzy most of the time. I didn’t leave early because I didn’t want to completely blow up the friendship.
After I got home, I told him I wasn’t doing well mentally and needed some space. We still texted and played occasionally, but we haven’t voice chatted since.
Honesty is really important to me, and finding out he lied changed how I see the friendship. He had been my best friend, someone I trusted completely. I don’t understand why he would lie about something that was guaranteed to come out once we met, even after we set a date for the meeting.
Because of that, I started setting boundaries instead of always going along with what he wanted like before. The first time I spoke up wasn’t about anything big. He had just assumed I’d follow whatever he decided to do next in-game, and I told him I didn’t like how he made decisions for me without even asking. He got very angry, said I had no reason to feel that way, and asked why I’d changed so suddenly when the visit had been “so nice”.
A friend (25f) told me I shouldn’t have an issue with his body fat and that it was understandable for him to lie since he’d been bullied all his life.
AITA?
Partly the AH.
If you set all these boundaries without ever talking to him, then you’re the AH.
I would leave the weight out of it. Instead focus on the lie about the height. And focus on the fact that he lied in general.
I wouldn’t say something like “I’m disappointed that you lied about your height, because I expected you to be taller.”
Instead say something like, “I really value honesty in my friendships. And you know that. So I am really confused about why you lied about your appearance. I understand you’ve been bullied, but I’ve never said anything unkind about your height or weight. I don’t understand why you would tell me you are 5’11” and then never be honest with me until we met. I don’t care how tall you are, I care that you lied, and now I am concerned that there may be other things you have lied about. Can we take a few minutes to talk about this? If there’s anything else, I really want to know about it.”
NTA. Dude straight up lied to you which recontextualizes the whole friendship. Whether or not it’s forgiveable is up to you. Whether or not it’s over something that should or shouldn’t matter is rather moot, it was a significant lie and that changes how you view him and the friendship between y’all.
I think YTA here. He did lie, but it’s not like it’s a romantic relationship so his height and weight shouldn’t matter at all.
I can’t imagine not being able to look at a friend because of something so shallow. You don’t have to find your friends physically attractive, I find it weird that it seems so important to you.
If it didn’t matter, why lie?
I mean this is shallow fat phobic judgmental nonsense
> I don’t understand why he would lie about something that was guaranteed to come out once we met
Most likely he is incredibly self-conscious about his weight and lied hoping that by the time his lie was inevitably revealed, you’d be able to see past it and still see him for him.
It’s not entirely rational, but then insecurities rarely are.
And changing boundaries after a relationship is established is entirely within your right, but completely changes the dynamics of the relationship. It won’t be the same and might wither on the vine. NAH.
YTA – he lied about something inconsequential to a friendship that has been the basis of him being bullied and teased his whole life. He formed a relationship with someone online and fudged the numbers
To be frank, it sounds like you don’t like how he looked either and are looking for excuses
NTA. He’s a liar and get’s angry when you want to make your own decisions. Red flag. Keep playing with him online maybe, but keep him out of your personal life. If he keeps getting angry, cut him off.
YTA
>I told him I have serious issues with body fat. especially my own
>I later asked him about his height
I wonder why the person who was bullied for their weight would have lied to downplay it after being told you take issue with other people being fat
let’s be honest, you’re not uncomfortable because of the lie you’re uncomfortable because he’s fat.
you’re not dating, it was an inconsequential lie because he was afraid you were going to bully him. usually when people get mad over something small when that’s out of character for them it’s because there’s another issue they can see, and he made it clear what it was with his response.
>he asked why I changed so suddenly when the visit had been “so nice”
he knew something about him made you uncomfortable but you’re not communicating it to him and he doesn’t know what he did wrong when he was nice during the visit.
also, making calls or telling someone to do stuff in-game is completely normal for playing video games together.
ESH I completely understand that you feel betrayed that he lied to you about a weird thing he was going to get busted on. It makes you wonder what else he has lied about and why he chose this. However, you chose to respond to this with silence and a huge change of behavior. In any relationship there are going to come points of stress. It is imperative that you communicate your side of the issue, which you haven’t done. He has no opportunity to fix anything because you haven’t mentioned a problem. You have a right to feel weirded out by this, but stewing in silence is only making things worse.
I think you might be overreacting to what was a lie, but a pretty harmless lie. If you two aren’t romantic, I don’t know his physical attributes have to do with anything. This relationship sounds pretty unhealthy to me
Your friendship has probably just run its course at this point
INFO: he said xyz, you meet up with him, and you discover this isn’t the case. He is actually taller, slimmer, and wealthier.
Do you feel the same way?
So you were fine with how he made decisions before you met him, but now that you did, things have to change? And somehow this is because of honesty and not his appearance despite you were trying to prepare for his looks because “you have issues and might feel intimidated”. Then you admit. You had a hard time looking at him for your whole stay?
This is my take; You’re unhappy with his appearance and are trying to backpedal the friendship under the guise of being lied to. Had you already had issues with how he handles things in day to day in the game, it wouldn’t be a problem. But it sounds like you realized you needed to pick other problems out with him to justify the boundaries. Otherwise you just sound fat phobic.
YTA
Soft YTA
As a woman, I’m confused. Why does his height matter at all to you? Why does his appearance in any way, shape or form matter to you? Do you only befriend people who are attractive or something?
I’m also confused by your last paragraph, where you say your friend told you not to judge him for his weight. But you already said his weight was as he claimed and that it is his height that is the problem?
I personally suspect you were gaining feelings for this guy and now that you’ve seen him, you’re unimpressed. I get that he lied to you and that you don’t like that he did that, but of all the lies he could tell you, this is pretty mild. He’s clearly self conscious about his height and feared you wouldn’t want to be friends with him if you knew about it.
You can put down boundaries and tell him (gently, ideally) that you don’t want him to feel like he has to lie to you about anything, explain that honesty is something you value above all else and that you’ll never judge him for being straight with you. I wouldn’t cut off the friendship entirely though, as again, of all the lies he could tell you, it’s not like this was a severe one. He didn’t lie with the intention of hurting you or any other person, there was no malicious intent in that lie.