I (21F), was just chilling with my sister and my mom (47F) in the living room. I live with my sister, and my mom came over to watch my sister’s baby while she and her boyfriend went to the hospital to get checked out.
All was well, just talking about whatever, when my mom asks if we have any juice. Last night, I went out and bought v8 juice for me and my sister. My sister was supposed to pay me back, but since I didn’t tell her how much it cost, she just didn’t send me any money. Whatever, not a huge deal, she has a newborn anyways so I let a lot slide when it comes to her now.
Anyways, my mom later comes over and she asks about the juice. My sister tells her that we have v8. I, admittedly, reacted a bit dramatically to my sister saying that. I give a sort of look of disbelief and go, "Oh, come on." Keep in mind, I thought it was obvious that I was still going to allow her to have a cup of juice, as my reaction was half-joking.
Seeing this, my mom goes, "Look how defensive she gets about it," because something similar had happened last week where my sister wanted one of my italian ices, and I told her that she could only have one and only of a specific flavor.
Immediately, I start to get upset. I work minimum wage part-time because I have a chronic pain condition that prohibits me from working 40hr weeks at my physically demanding job. I make less money than both my mother and my sister. Money is tight and it isn’t like I live luxuriously, buying myself new clothes or fast food every day. I just buy groceries for a week, rent, and gas, and then save the rest. That’s literally it.
"I’m not being dramatic, I’m just dead broke," I state, going on about how I literally only spend money on groceries, and we already have an agreed upon rule in the house that you don’t touch what you didn’t buy.
My mother then proceeds to say, "Stop calling yourself dead broke. You’re not. You have a savings account. You’re not dead broke if you have emergency money."
While I can see her sentiment, the way she said it seemed sort of resentful. My mother has never been well-off financially, and often times told us about how she barely has money in her safe or savings to do or buy extra things for fun. Recently, I was ranting about how I was so close to hitting a savings goal, but my 6 month car insurance came out of my account, setting me back again. I had told my mom the number amount of the goal, and she said she was proud of me for almost reaching it anyways. But now, it seems like she’s holding it against me.
I argued with her about how, "I am dead broke. Just because you weren’t taught how important savings accounts are when you were young, doesn’t mean I’m suddenly wealthy. I don’t touch that money. It’s for emergencies only. Therefore, in my day-to-day life, I’m broke."
We went back and forth and she eventually told me to go downstairs, which I did.
Am I the asshole? I feel like the only place where I screwed up was when I joked about it being a big deal.
Info- are you contributing to rent? If you don’t, I wonder if your sister has complained to your mom about not sharing groceries.
I do. My mom actually owns the house, but lives with her fiance. Me and my sister and my sister’s boyfriend all pay rent every week
YTA, assuming you don’t pay rent. (I think you would have mentioned it, if you did.) It’s a bottle of juice. Your mom can have some juice. If you are really that up in arms about it, get your own place and pay your own rent.
You weren’t wrong for feeling defensive, your mom was poking at something you’re genuinely stressed about, and she minimized your situation by acting like having an emergency savings account means you’re secretly rolling in wealth.
Savings doesn’t mean spending money.
You having discipline with your emergency fund doesn’t magically make your day-to-day finances any easier. And your mom’s comment clearly came from her own financial insecurities, not anything you actually did wrong.
Your misstep?
Yeah, the dramatic “OH COME ON” reaction probably made it look like you were gatekeeping a glass of vegetable juice. But that’s tiny and understandable when you’re stressed and broke.
So, NTA, just someone tired, broke, and trying to protect the groceries she paid for.
“You having discipline with your emergency fund doesn’t magically make your day-to-day finances any easier.”
It could, I do think it is a bit much to say they are broke when they have savings/are saving.
If my expenses are $500 a month, and I make $2000, but I save $1500 of it and only allow myself $500 for expense and $0 fun money it is wrong to call myself broke. Or if I have $300k in the bank, but no day to day spending it is wrong to call myself broke.
I know OP is not in that situation but it is similar.
But also, begrudging a guest/mom a glass of juice is an ahole move. Especially when while OP has technically paid for it right now, sister was/is going to pay her back for it.
You perfectly described how I feel. I’m tired, work hard for the money I earn, and get defensive when other people want to dip into what I bought for myself, because to buy those things meant I had to be in pain for it.
Money has always been a HUGE stressor for me. Me and my therapist found out that it’s actually the main component when it comes to my stress levels and mental health problems. I’m glad someone other than my therapist can see that so easily, lol.
And yeah, I definitely didn’t need to get THAT defensive over a cup of juice, even if I was still going to let her drink it. It was definitely unnecessary.
YTA.
Stop letting things slide with your sister if you’re going to resent her for it.
There are resources for people who struggle with chronic pain and supplementing income because they cannot work full time. Have you considered looking for a better paying job that isn’t physically demanding? You might be able to work more hours because it isn’t taking a toll on your body.
Stop talking about money and what you have. It sounds like you are bragging, it may not be what you meant but that is how it comes across. Your money is your money it is no one else’s business, so why you would want to talk about it unless to brag in front of others who you know are not well off is cruel. You are insensitive to others.
Okay, I can see that. In my family, we’re all really open about details you would talk to your friends about, like money, weight, sex, etc. So, everyone in my family talks about their financial situations, and I’m not the one who’s doing the best, I just happen to have the biggest savings account because I don’t buy unnecessary things. Now that you say that, though, I can see how that could be seen as the same type of bragging it would be to say “I just bought this really expensive watch.” I appreciate that insight, thank you
My advise to you, STOP sharing info on any money balances you have in your accounts. Especially your savings account. It is really nobody’s buisness.
I agree with you on saying your broke. Because savings are NOT suppose to be concidered in your day to day money availability and spending.
As far as sharing the juice with my mom.. I would go without it for the week if I had to. What’s mine is hers to have if she wanted it. 🤷♀️ But that is my dynamic with my family. My mom would also not leave me with nothing. Especially if she knows how tight my money is and every penny counts in me buying my groceries.
It’s even more important for you to save what you can with a chronic illness. What if you have a flare and need to take a week off? Or an important med is surprise not covered by insurance?
ESH, and not because you don’t want to pay for everyone’s groceries. You are sending SUPER mixed signals and then expecting your family to read your mind and follow what you’re thinking in the moment. You bought the juice for your sister and didn’t tell her how much it was, so she couldn’t pay you back. By giving it to her, you implicitly gave her ownership over her half of the juice, even though you didn’t have her follow through on paying. Once it’s hers, it’s hers to decide what to do with. She had every right to offer her share of the juice to your mom. But then you got mad when she did just that. And don’t hide behind that “half joking” bit: you *did* mean it. You were being passive aggressive.
You are being just as inconsistent with the house grocery rule as they are. If you want the rule, then you need to be consistent with it. If they want something, they pay their share, every time. If you want to be generous with your sister, do it in a different way like buying her diapers sometimes.
Their share of the blame comes from a concept I learned from an influencer once. (I know, I know. Stay with me.) I think it was the Holderness Family, and the concept is “Keep the argument in Chicago.” Their pastor/counselor told them that couples tend to start an argument about one issue (in Chicago) and then travel allllll over the place to different issues. So you start with “You doing X is an issue” and then it turns into “I only do that because you do Y” which turns into “Well I only do Y because I’m the only one who does anything around here” etc. This pastor/counselor said you need to stay in Chicago and resolve that issue, then move on to any others, which makes a lot of sense. There are definitely times that you have to discuss a 2nd issue to be able to resolve the first one, but once you learn this concept, you recognize how often you and others take the argument out of Chicago purely in an effort to deflect blame or vent frustration rather than because it really is integral to the first problem.
The argument wasn’t about how much money you have. The argument was about the house rules for groceries and needing to be consistent with those. They should have responded with, “Since I asked you to pick up this juice, I felt it was perfectly fair for me to give some to Mom. I offered to pay you back, but I can’t do that if you don’t tell me how much it costs.” Since they took the argument away from Chicago, they share part of the blame too.
\#1) STOP talking to your mother about your savings account. I made that mistake and one day, my mom claimed she couldn’t pay the rent. I wound up using my entire savings to pay her portion. Next month, she tells me the same thing. This time I tell her we’ll be behind as I’ve got nothing. She says something like “wait, I may have it in my account”. She makes a show of going upstairs to check her wallet, then comes back down stairs to say “yes, it turns out she can make her payment.” I was livid! What I’m trying to say is, your mom will feel entitled to that money.
\#2) Good for you for having the account. Even on minimum wage, you are saving, which is great. You are learning good habits. Good money management is all about behaviors, not how much you make. Keep it up.
\#3) Don’t tell ANYONE about a savings account. In fact, next time mom brings it up, tell her it’s gone because of some emergencies and now you have nothing and can you borrow $50 from her? Set the stage that you’ve got nothing and then don’t mention your savings anymore.
\#4) If you need to talk about your money saving wins, do it here anonymously. We’ll congratulate you on a job well done!
Edit: NTA