My (35, F) MIL (70, F) bought my son (8, M) some Christmas gifts this year and I’m concerned about what she got him.
I had a baby (1, M) last year and my 8 year old has been really struggling with jealousy around growing up/not being a baby anymore. I’m super sensitive to it, and have been really making a conscious effort to make him feel important. My MIL got the baby a few toys for Christmas he’ll love – talking Mickey, ride on Mickey Mouse car, etc. but she got my 8 year old a board game, a nutcracker and an art/coffee table book.
My 8 year old isn’t into board games and i genuinely am so confused why she got him a Basqiuat coffee table book. She said she thought it’d inspire him, but like, he’s an 8 year old kid who draws Roblox characters sometimes but isn’t super into drawing for drawings sake. (If that makes sense).
I expressed my concern that the 8 year old is going to show up on Christmas and see the 1 year old get this big car that can’t be wrapped and get fun toys, and he’ll get a board game and a book meant for an adult and feel sad. She defended her decision and think it’s unfair for me to ask her to get anything else because the nutcracker was $50 and his big gift (he likes nutcrackers but this confused me too). She said she spent the same amount of money of each boy so it’s equal.
AITA for asking her to buy him a new gift?
Maybe the gifts your MIL got your son don’t really make sense to you, but it isn’t your place to tell her to return them and get him something different. Your son is not the baby anymore, and part of growing up is getting gifts you may not like and learning to graciously accept them.
I know I remember getting weird gifts from relatives as a kid that I didn’t like, and my parents taught me to say thank you and not show disappointment because that’s poor manners. This is a valuable lesson for your child.
The problem is that your son has jealousy issues and it’s up to YOU to work on correcting that behavior. Demanding that other people give him whatever he wants to avoid a meltdown is not the way to go. YTA.
Totally fair about learning to accept weird gifts. We have talked a LOT about it and he has been good in the past about just saying “thank you”. But a good time for another discussion about it.
And we are for sure working on the jealousy at home, but it really hasn’t come up until recently. I think he’s realizing the family dynamic shift is permanent. So we are addressing it.
I’m concerned just about him feeling like his grandma is favoring the baby and not understanding who he is.
And your concern is valid bc it sounds like that is exactly what is happening. You are NTA.
My grandmother always bought us the most random gifts. No conversation ever worked. As we grew up, it became funny. Your kid will survive.
But I bet your grandmother bought random gifts for everyone. OP’s mil didn’t buy random gifts for the younger kid. She got them thoughtful, age appropriate items they would like. She got the older kid what feels like random thoughtless gifts.
NTA. You know your son. If he’s going to burst into tears opening her gifts, it’s good manners to give her a heads up. You can’t force her to swap them, it is what it is. Just plan your Christmas gifts accordingly so if he’s upset, it’s just at Grandma and not at Christmas altogether.
ESH just because you should not be telling someone what to buy/ re buy for christmas. But also, when it comes to jealousy between the siblings that’s something you need to be dealing with as a parent – it should not come down to grandmas crappy christmas gifts. (Grandma is the asshole for getting an child a coffee table book imo though lol)
Anyone else thinking the book is probably a regift?
I thought that at first too… she couldnt be bothered and had this lying around… but if shes getting the kid a nutcracker this year maybe she is being that petty? lol
According to OP, the kid does like nutcrackers, though I doubt he does enough to want or have use for a $50 one. The book is not even a little bit in his interest range.
Agree. I have been here. My mom is full of love but wants to make everything fair which makes things weird.
I taught my kids well before -age 8 that she put money and time into those gifts and we will return what we can if they don’t like it but they need to show gratitude for what they get. I would also remind them that Santa/we always got them something they really wanted so they were living their best lives either way.
My SIL apparently never learned to set her face and show gratitude and it showed and really led to great struggles with our family. Her kids gifts weren’t any weirder or more off base than the ones my kids get but she could not say thank you and move on.
Someone loves these kids enough to spend their time, money and mental load on them. Say thank you. Teach them to say thank you. Would it be nice to get her to change something? Sure. But that ain’t happening, so OP has to embody the Christmas spirit and teach the kid the same. But also make sure there are rolls at dinner so he doesn’t starve. (Because from experience crap gifts and weird food is too much to bear)
NTA. Older people often buy what they consider ‘nice’ presents for slightly older children, and then get offended when they don’t like them.
A board game and coffee table book is ‘nice’ for a 70 year old, but not an 8 year old.
It’s only fair to warn her, that it’s very generous but they’re not really things that he’s in to, and you fear she’d be wasting her money.
The $50 nut cracker is what really blows my mind. Not even sure the kid is going to know WTF it is
NAH –
Grandma tried. The amount spent was similar. Both gifts are thoughtful.
You’re anticipating a problem (probably correctly) and want to head it off.
You’re directing the change effort at the wrong person.
Sometimes gifts are disappointing, and that’s something that a child needs to learn to deal with with grace. As well, younger children’s gifts often are physically larger – just the nature of their needs.
A game that we used to play with younger children was to practice what nice thing you could say about a gift. So, for a month or so before Christmas, pulling out sometimes silly things – what is you’re given a pot? Also, talking about gratitude, talking about how sometimes things we receive aren’t “quite” what we’d like, but they can still be something that someone thought we’d like. Talk about how the other person might feel based on our reactions.
For next year, a targeted list might help Grandma with the older boy.