I’m 17F and a senior in high school. My parents have been separated since I was little (first or second grade idk)
My dad’s been in a ton of relationships, at least 3 since they separated and the last one was an engagement where we all lived together for like five years. He and I don’t really talk about his relationships, the one time he did was him telling me how much he missed his first ex-girlfriend after they broke up. She was the woman he left us and moved away for and I was in 3rd grade I think so I was just kind of weirded out and didn’t know what to say. He hasn’t really talked to me about any of them since.
Anyway, now I’m a senior in hs and he broke up with his fiancé so now it’s just me and him living together (when I’m not at my moms) and he just told me he’s seeing someone new. I know it was really immature of me but I kind of freaked out at him. I wasn’t crying at first but I was really upset and asked him if he could just wait until I leave for college to start dating someone new. It’s less than a year and really only like six months since my graduation is at the end of May. I kept asking if we could just have some time with just us instead of someone else but he got really mad at me, saying it wasn’t fair of me to ask him that, don’t I want him to be happy, it’s not all about me, stuff like that.
I didn’t say this to him but really, in my head I was thinking that I don’t care about him being happy right now because it feels like it’s always about him and his happiness. Which I know is a really unkind thing to think but if I’m being honest, it’s how I feel. But I didn’t say it to him, I just kept asking for these last six months to just be us. Eventually he just stopped answering me and went to bed so I did too and he didn’t really talk to me this weekend (it happened on Thursday night)
I know I’m being selfish because I \*am\* asking him to make it about me and not be happy with this new woman (idk her name) but I’m only going to be here for six more months and then I’m leaving for college. Idk where I’m going yet but I haven’t applied to any schools in our city so I’m definitely going to be living wherever I go. I’ll come home for holidays and stuff but I’ll still be splitting that time up with my mom and dad so it feels like these next six months are kind of it.
I know I’m almost 18 and should be more mature but when he told me, I just suddenly felt like a little kid again, which is probably why I started crying at the end which was really embarrassing. Idk how to explain it. I can’t really talk to my friends about it and it feels embarrassing and whenever I talk to my mom about things like this, I feel bad because she never wants to say anything bad about him to me even though I know she really, really doesn’t like him but she’s amazing at putting on a polite face
So I’m asking strangers: am I the asshole here?
> My dad’s been in a ton of relationships, at least 3 since they separated and the last one was an engagement where we all lived together for like five years.
We have different definitions of the word “ton.”
Three in ten years is not a lot, especially considering one was a long-term one.
When I said three, I was only counting the women who moved in and lived with us. There have been others but they were only for a few weeks or months sorry that I wasn’t clear
You should have never been involved with any of his relationships that were less then a year. That’s very immature of him. I’m sorry you were exposed to all his dating as a child.
So he’s moved several women in and out? I don’t like that. He sounds like he is the type who always has to have a relationship. The fact that he indicated that he can only be happy in a relationship is telling. I do think it would be nice if he focused on you for a little bit.
3 failed relationships living with and then leaving your child is a ton imo
NTA. Just based on the little amount of information in your post, it sounds like you’ve never felt like a priority to your father. Starting with the woman that he left you and and your mother for. As a complete stranger with very little information to go off of, I would tell you that your father is never going to be the loving, devoted father that you always wanted. You have to accept him for who he is.
I would strongly recommend therapy, to help you work through your childhood experiences and accept your past for what it was. It’s worrying to me that you immediately call yourself selfish for asking your father for more time before he starts dating again. I don’t think it’s selfish. You made a request and his answer is no. You may have been raised to put your father’s needs before your own. A good therapist (and not all of them are good) can teach you that it’s okay to ask you for what you want without feeling guilty.
my mom always says that too, that I have to accept him for who he is and that I’m just setting myself up to be hurt by wanting more. idk maybe I’m not selfish but now I feel kind of dumb for asking him in the first place. I should be more mature like people are saying and I probably should have seen this coming and I shouldn’t need him so much since I’m going to be 18 soon.
I think my parents had me talk to someone when they first split up but that was when I was little. I’ll try to ask my counselor at school after winter break but she usually just wants to ask about college and school stress. I’m not really supposed to talk to other people about my parents being split up but if I don’t say anything about that they won’t ask right?
I just want you to really consider therapy, when you’re an adult. Feeling selfish, stupid or guilty about asking for what you want is a sign that you tend to put other people’s needs first. You will see a pattern for this in your future romantic relationships. A therapist can help you prioritize your own needs and boundaries without feeling selfish.
There may be a compromise with your father. “Hey, could we have a movie night/bowling/dinner out every Sunday night, just the two of us, until I leave for college? That would really make me feel like I’m important to you.”
Him being in a relationship isn’t the problem.
Him prioritizing relationships over you is the problem.
If you confront your father, be sure to address what the real problem is
This, but also OP is 17! NTA in my opinion bc yes I know she’s not a child, but also he’s the adult here. If my young adult child were to tell me to not be in a relationship, and to have it be “just us”, I would need to be the one to do the emotional heavy-lifting to understand where the distress was coming from. Putting the onus on her to make sure she’s wording things right, especially since he seems to not be a safe place for her vulnerability, feels harsh. Best of luck OP <3
I agree with you that it *shouldn’t* be OP’s responsibility.
But I’m giving advice under the assumption that it will be
In the minority here, but NTA. Your dad left you and your mom for another woman when you were a little kid, and it sounds as though he can’t face being single. Having people live with you, become part of your life, and then just disappear must be very disruptive. Could you move in with your mom?
yeah thats what’s been the worse about the other women that lived with us because I would know them and their whole family but then they’re gone and I’m not allowed to talk about them again because it upsets my dad which makes sense but it makes me feel weird. when he broke up with his fiancé she took a lot of stuff and our pets and I think she blocked me.
I live with my mom half the time. this schedule was decided by a judge and it was a big fight so I’m not allowed to change it until I graduate from college I think. I really don’t want to do anything to make them go back to court
Definitely check that, because once you turn 18, you should have ZERO obligation to stay with one or the other. If you want to live full time with your mom or your dad, at 18, you should be able to, legally.