some edits for clarity: i already asked him to leave and he left. i just still feel confused about all of it. he wasn’t a guest in the sense of like “please come stay with me kick back and relax”. when i told him he could stay (not paying any rent) i did make it clear i would appreciate help with things around the apartment outside of just cleaning up after himself only.
I’m going to try to keep this short. I 30F have a small apartment to myself. My friend 30M (absolutely nothing romantic to this FYI) posted on their story asking if anyone would let them stay for the month (in the city im in) so they could look for a job and housing. I invited them to stay but when I offered I said it would be great if you could help me with some home improvement tasks (easy things like helping me move a heavy dresser from the living room to my room – it’s a one bedroom apartment) and they enthusiastically said of course they would be so happy to help and thank you for the support.
they started staying here and didn’t show any interest in helping me around the apartment. The first week I had to ask them to take the trash out and I had to ask if they could take the trash out every time after that. They cleaned up after themselves but didn’t put any effort in beyond that. I asked for help on some things but they never took the initiative to ask me or just clean up themselves beyond their own things. This started to feel bad because it felt like they had no interest in my me or my apartment beyond the use they got out of it. They also kind of put out an air of disinterest whenever I shared about how my day was or what was up with me. It just all started feeling weird for me \~ like I was just a boarding house for them and not a friend that they cared about. When I brought up how I was starting to feel stressed about sharing my space they kind of made me explain as much as possible but then didn’t give me an out (they have other places to stay nearby, mine is just the most convenient) \~ I told them I was feeling too stressed with the situation and they didn’t say something like “i understand. thank you for the past few weeks” instead they said “i also don’t think this is working out, we can be friends but aren’t meant to be roommates” i felt so weird about this because we weren’t roommates??? they were a guest in my apartment. anyway, the way this friend talks to me and approached these convos makes me feel crazy for expecting them to contribute more. am i selfish??? im so confused please help.
Nope. NTA. Your “friend” is not really a friend and is using you. To not burn bridges I would give them a week, but then kick them out. They are taking advantage of you and I would not consider a real friend.
they aren’t your friend – they are your friends friend
taking out your trash isnt a home improvement task…
NTA you were doing them a favour and they decided not to help out so you know next time that you may not want to offer
NTA. Your apartment, your rules. It’s pretty basic ‘stay-at-my-place-101’ to lend a hand, especially if they’re living rent-free. You’d think they’d be eager to throw a cleaning rag around. Your friend needs a reality check. Trust your gut, you’re not being unreasonable.
NTA
You have done them a massive favour. If they can’t afford to contribute financially the least they can do is help with tasks around the property
NAH, I don’t see an actual problem here.
I’m going to give your friend the benefit of the doubt and say NAH. I say this because some people find it rude to take initiative to clean things in another’s home. Looked at in that light they were possibly trying to show you respect.
The roommates comment to me doesn’t come off as them literally suggesting they were your roommate but rather agreeing that you just are not suited for living in the same place. I don’t blame you for taking that at face value but do try to keep that contextualized.
It is perfectly reasonable that you want them to contribute more. Though, I think you need to decide if they are a guest or if they are a roommate… a guest is not expected to take on household tasks outside of their own creation.
I think this is really just a mismatch in expectations. Try to part amicably. You are not selfish nor are they. You just are not on the same page.
FGS, tell them to move out. Why are you getting upset when you want them gone? Yes, you’re not meant to live together
NTA but where in here is the part where you ask them to leave?
You need to tell them “Because it’s not working out, I need you to make other arrangements. Can you be out in (give them 3 days since they have other places to stay) at the latest? Thanks. By the way, we are NOT roommates. You were my guest.”
YTA
He picks up after himself and doesn’t leave a mess, but you’re mad he doesn’t do more. Like what? Pick up after you?
Daily chores are not home improvement tasks and it was only supposed to be for a month to look for a job. You are the stop gap between that and you knew it coming in. He isn’t your maid
You missed the part where OP said he’s not paying rent.
It’s only been a week and she’s mad that he isn’t taking the trash out everyday and doing other things around the house.
If it’s a friend of a friend and it wasn’t established that he had daily chores to do, then picking up after himself and helping when asked seems ok to me if that was the agreement
YTA. From what you’ve written, they cleaned up after themselves and every time you asked them to help with something specific, they they helped. Expecting them to come into your home and just start “taking the initiative” to clean up your things or do unspecified home improvement tasks without being asked is unreasonable. I would be somewhere between annoyed and furious if a guest in my home started messing with my things without having been asked.
Expecting them to contribute more is one thing. Expecting them to read your mind about what contributions you wanted them to make, however, is different. You failed to express your expectations, and now are mad your friend didn’t read your mind.
NTA It seems like he has overstayed his welcome. Time to get him out your place and back to normal. It sounds like there were some clear expectations and he never followed through on that. Have a kind but firm conversation and give him a deadline. If you are feeling used then it is time to end this ASAP..