I am F43 and my husband is M44. My husband asked me to help more around the house and I politely declined.
My husband hasn’t had a job since May 2025. When he did have a job it paid well but I made 3x more money as a VP at a public company where he was just an individual contributor at a good public company. So when we both worked we split house and kid stuff 60/40 which seems generous to me given my job is much more demanding. Now that he’s not working and he barely ever has an interview, I’m asking for it to be more like 80/20. When he goes back to work we can readjust again. I’m really glad I have more time to dedicate to growing my career. I just started an exciting new job and this gives me time to lean into it. But today he asked me to do more. I said I’ll do more when he has more interviews or gets a job. In the mean time I make enough to cover our entire family. When he gets a job it’s really to let us retire earlier or go on nicer vacations. We have two boys who are 10 and 7. He makes most of their meals and takes them to most of their activities. I do things when I can but he’s on point for most of it.
What makes you think youre the asshole? Did he say that?
This sub isnt really for “would it be reasonable for me to do X” its more for people currently in dispute because theres conflict over whether or not they are the asshole
You are fine- until he has a job 80/20 is generous.
WTF is he doing all day? Both kids are in school.
Literally I don’t know. He hasn’t even scored many interviews. And I told him if he doesn’t want to work he should just tell me. We can figure it out together. But he said he does want to work.
Would this be the same question if the situation was flipped?
Yeah it would. These aren’t little babies. These kids go to school and after care. They are gone from 8:15-5. He has all that time.
No one is the a** this sounds like you need to have a sit down with your partner who is asking for help and see what they think would be fair and ask why dont assume you know why. This needs to be a conversation with your hubby maybe his mental health is declining or something and this is him asking for help from his PARTNER. You should use this as an opportunity ro help someone you are supposed to love and care for. Jerks on the internet with poke holes every which way they can its up to you if you wanna step up as a parent or someone who sees people they love as work. Honestly I would be embarrassed if my partner couldn’t have this conversations with me instead of a bunch of strangers…..
This is good advice. It just came up today so I wanted to come here and see what others think. He asked me at 3pm if I could take the kids to their after school thing at 5. I said I’d really like to work until 6 but tell me why you need my help today. He said “I just feel like you could do more.” And I said when you get a job I will do more. But I started a new job 2 weeks ago. It’s a massive leadership role and I really need to put in the time to get onboarded. I don’t get why he is asking now but I will absolutely have a real sit down with him tomorrow.
The I make more argument is gross when men say it and its just as gross when women do it. Get off your high horse. Kids should be as close to 50/50 as you can because you are both parents. Parent your damn kids. As for stuff around the house yes if he is not working, he should pick up more of those responsibilities, but YTA because you are here instead of sitting down to have a real conversation with him.
So I should drive them to things, make their meals etc just as much as my husband and work? Why should it be 50/50? I work 10 hours a day 5 days a week and make enough money to provide for all four of us. We don’t have little babies. They are 10 and 7 years old.
YTA,
So basically, you’re husband’s already overwhelmed and asking for help and you tell him to circle back when he’s earning because that’s when you decide he deserves to be helped?
That’s cold ngl
But why would he be overwhelmed? He’s unemployed and his children are in school or childcare until 5. He has most of the day to decompress how he wants.
It sounds like you aren’t spending much time as a *family.* Either you’re with the kids or your husband is. Why does your husband need chill/reading time on the weekends? What about while the kids are at school all week? It strikes me that regardless of how many hours you each put in, the goal isn’t family time; it’s each parent with the kids time.
The other thing is you’re talking about advancing your career, making more than half a million, using your top-school MBA, leadership, panels, boards — while your husband isn’t working. But what happens if he gets a job in 2 months? Do you change your goals and switch to a less demanding job? That doesn’t sound like something you have any interest in doing. How will the division of labor work at that point?