was out grocery shopping with my SO.. we seemed to be having a pretty good time, until we got back to the car, where I closed the back hatch. I was loading the baby and I thought he was done loading the groceries. He suddenly got upset with me because I closed the hatch. He said the keys were back there. I laughed it off and crawled in the back to get them, telling him I was just trying to help. No big deal. Just a moment of panic from him because he might have lost the keys or something? Anyway…I sit in the back with the baby. And he gets in to drive. Ithe seat starts auto recling back because a previous owners setting. And in a very teasing tone…I tell him something like losing room back here. I’m still laughing a bit from the whole key incident when it happens.
Out of what feels like no where he raises his voice, and snaps at me saying some thing like "you know I don’t have any control over the seat".
It was enough to stun me at the abruptshift in mood….
I could only reply… That I knew that and I was just playing with him. There’s a couple of moments of silence and eventually he asked me "what is it"
I at first told him nothing. Then he asked again. Trying to be honest, I told him "it just feels like you got a bit bent out of shape when I was trying to play with you."
He ended up raising his voice even loader, sounding genuinely angry. Saying something like "i wasn’t. But now I am. Now I’m bent out shape. You don’t say that shit to me."
I’m dumb founded and his reaction genuinly scared me. and can’t think of anything I did to provoke a reaction like that…the whole day since then he’s been quiet and acting weird around me. The only other mention he made about it, was that he was still and at me for "gaslighting" him. And I tried to tell him that if he gets upset at me, that I need him to to not raise him voice at me, that what he did, whether I was in the wrong etc, didn’t feel great. He ended up saying that he would have to find some other outlet like pulling th car over or finding a rage room. but he said at least I wasnt get screamed at. I don’t know what to make of it. Am I missing something? AITA?
NTA of course.
But I mean it sounds like something else is going on here. Sounds like the dude is stressed about something and it’d probably help to just be communicative – I’d recommend starting there.
Obviously that doesn’t justify him yelling at you and you should stand firm in the fact that it hurt you and that it’s unacceptable behaviour going forward.
Yeah, please follow this advice OP.
Don’t let this incident slide. Unacceptable behavior can quickly turn into recurring abusive behavior if nothing is addressed. Your husband is in the wrong here, and you need to make sure you communicate that what he did isn’t okay going forward.
NTA for finding this behaviour a worrying if not alarming red flag.
This is how the abuse starts.
He gets you used to his mood changes, keeps you on edge, keeps you scared of doing anything that might anger or otherwise trigger him. Keeps you obedient and under his control.
NTA. not even close
you teased him. that’s it. normal couple stuff. tiny moment. nothing dramatic
him jumping straight to raised voice and “you don’t say that shit to me” is way out of proportion
and the fact that you said it scared you and he doubled down instead of apologizing? that’s the part that’s not okay
You need to feel safe with your partner its a non-negotiable
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
NTA. Tread lightly, and pay attention. It sounds like you just had a baby, so he thinks he has you trapped. He is accusing you of gaslighting him? It sounds the other way around to me.
He should never raise his voice to you like that, especially in the car with a baby! He could really do damage to their hearing not to mention the damage to your mental health.
NTA.
That kind of hair trigger is concerning, on anyone, of any gender.
Add a baby into the equation and… yeah. I’m a little bit worried, not gonna lie. People who snap like that over literally nothing can also escalate.
NTA. That kind of reaction usually isn’t about the actual thing that just happened. Closing the hatch + a light joke does not equal that level of anger. When someone jumps from 0 to 100, it’s usually:
Built-up stress
Something unrelated bothering them
Has he reacted like this before when you tease him or say
he seems annoyed?
Honestly it sounds like this wasn’t even about the seat. When someone pops off over something that small, there’s usually something else brewing. But that’s on him to communicate, not blow up at you. Honestly I’d be frightened too.
Who puts the keys in the back like that?
He’s using therapy speak against you. He is more concerned about your tone or volume than listening to what you are saying.
He is overreacting to nothing. You are under reacting to his treatment of you. Not all abuse is screaming at someone else.
NTA
I can’t think of anything I did to provoke a reaction like that”. Let me tell you right now, if someone loses their temper like that it’s because THEY can’t control themselves, it has nothing to do with you.
If I qas you I would start planning my escape. He’s blaming you for his outburst. He’s actually the one gaslighting you. This is abusive behaviour and usually gets worse. Women are in moe danger from their significant others than any other people on the planet. I would consider myself to be in a dangerous abusive household from now on.
Had this been a one off where you came home, he apologised for his behaviour. Said he was stressed at work, explained himself in some way and took responsibility for his actions and made amends (next time I will let you know when I’m stressed/ I think it’s time I looked into therapy) then I wouldn’t be so harsh but it sounds more like he’s setting you up to start taking responsibility for his issues and that’s simply unacceptable.
NTA. End this relationship now. He’s only going to escalate. He can’t be reasoned with. No amount of communication will improve the situation. If you stay with him, this will become your life full time.
Have you known your husband for many years? If so, and this outburst is completely out of character, there could be something physically/chemically wrong. Sudden personality changes can mean something. Maybe when things calm down from this incident, if he seems like he’s back to himself, you can bring it up with him and express your concern and confusion. If he reacts aggressively to that, then whatever’s going on with him, you do need to be sure you’re safe.
NTA- this is really weird behaviour and reminds me of how certain people acted towards me before they escalated things ! someone should not need a “rage room” to not yell at someone: following through on and acting out anger is not conductive to good behaviour, good coping or good relationships, and just wires your brain to react more intensely and more often with anger. even if he is not aggressive now, letting him train himself to react to anger this way is going to cause problems.
asking someone to not yell at you is not an unreasonable demand, and him saying you are gaslighting him about this is, technically, DARVO here, even if perhaps no actual abuse has taken place yet. If he is stressed and this is how he reacts to it, by taking it out on you, then you guys need to find him a therapist to help with this and nip it in the bud. as a side effect of that, he might find himself less stressed.