1 (19F) live in a house with 5 other girls at uni. 4 of them are 22 and one is also 19. The main issue is with one girl I’ll call Kate.
About six months ago (oct) Kate’s parents separated and she’s been taking it really hard. I do get that because my parents divorced when I was a kid and I know how confusing and emotional that can be.
Since it then, I’ve tried to be there for her as much as possible. I’ve spent nights letting her cry, listening to her rant and offering advice when she asks for it. She often says things like “I can’t believe my parents would do this to me” or “they must not love me if they won’t stay together.” I’ve tried to gently remind her that their relationship is separate from their love for her.
For some background about me: my parents divorced when I was young and remarried. When I was 11 my stepmom died from brain cancer. Then last year my mom also passed away from cancer. The 1-year anniversary of my mom’s death just recently passed, so it still feels very fresh.
Recently Kate has started saying things like “it would’ve been easier if my dad had just died instead of leaving.” She has also said she wishes he had gotten sick instead of getting a divorce. She’s made comments like this multiple times over the past few weeks.
As someone who has lost two parents, those comments really hurt. I tried to ignore it at first because I know she’s going through something difficult, but it kept happening.
Two weeks ago we were all sitting in the living room and she said it again. I finally said something like:
“Kate, I’m sorry but recently you’ve said some things that feel really insensitive to me. I understand you’re going through a lot, but when you say you wish your dad had died instead of leaving, it really hurts because I know what it’s like to lose a parent. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say those things around me.”
I recognize it may have been more appropriate to bring it up privately, but she had just said it in front of everyone and I decided to respectfully respond in the moment.
She immediately got defensive and said her cousin’s parents died young and she helped raise them, so she knows what I’m going through. I told her politely that that’s not the same as losing your own parent.
She got very upset and said she was so angry she was going to stop talking before she said something worse.
Afterwards I went to the bathroom because I started panicking and ended up crying and throwing up. None of the other girls checked on me and they all stayed with Kate.
Since then the house has basically iced me out. When we’re in the same room they ignore me or continue conversations like I’m not there.
A week later I texted Kate saying whenever she’s ready to talk I’m open to it. She said she felt humiliated that I called her out in front of everyone and isn’t ready to talk about something so personal.
AITA for asking her not to say those things around me, especially since I said it in front of everyone?
NTA. Kate is an immature, selfish child, and it sounds like the rest of the roommates are too.
NTA but I agree it may have been better to bring it up with her more privately. My mom died when I was a young teen and I also am bothered when people make flippant comments like your friend. You’re both really young, but it’s likely that you’re more emotionally mature than your friend having had to deal with very difficult and adult shit from a young age. It sounds like this might be one of the first very difficult things your friend has had to deal with and it feels like the biggest deal in the world to her, whereas you know there are far worse things that parents getting divorced.
I don’t think you necessarily need to apologize, but I’d give her some time and then try to speak to her privately. As for your other roommates, I am bothered that they are icing you out. Either they don’t fully understand your situation or maybe you came across more harshly than your post implies. I’d maybe speak 1:1 with one of them to ask directly.
Light ESH: It was a mistake to say that to her in front of everyone.
This isn’t the first time that she has made these types of comments. She was doing so for weeks. You had plenty of opportunities to pull her aside privately and let her know how you felt.
That said, and perhaps I am being harsh, but at 19 I would’ve expected more emotional maturity around a divorce. Like, I get it takes time to process, but it’s been *six months*. I would’ve expected her to be past the ‘*I wish he was dead*’ stage.
NTA at all, wishing death on a parent to “make it easier” is wildly insensitive when someone in the room has actually buried parents, your grief is valid and you handled it way more calmly than most would.
NTA at all! Kate is not really your friend. Time to find a new friend group that doesn’t dump on you. I’m sorry your roommates are treating you so poorly.
NTA. You were soft and gentle with her. You didn’t say anything wrong.
I might be wrong but isn’t 19/22 too old to be making your parent’s divorce about yourself? Your roomate sounds like she likes attention tbh.
NTA, Although yeah you could have brought it up privately to avoid the embarrassment for Kate, there is a limit to what you can take and say especially when dealing with a childish immature person that is stubbornly set on the idea that because the marriage failed it means that her parents dont lover her anymore when in reality its the opposite (atleast i hope so). The best I can do is recommend therapy for Kate as it’d be beneficial for her to separate the failed marraged between her parents and the love her parents have for her because the lack of separating the facts lead to this extreme, aka wishing one of her parents have died instead of divorcing. sorry for the rant but that’s just my opinion, ps you’re not responsible for kate’s issues so NTA
NTA so what I’m reading is that she is entitled to bring up her trauma in a safe space with a group of people, but when you bring up that she is pulling up your trauma repeatedly it’s no longer a safe space.
NTA. You set a boundary. Good for you! If she is only concerned about how she felt and not how you feel — that is, she won’t say “You know what, that’s totally fair, but could you ask me in private next time first?” — then I want you to note, she is NOT ABLE TO HANDLE BEING A GOOD FRIEND RIGHT NOW. This is important. We all go through hard times. It makes sense that she’s spiraling and not being fair to you. But I want you to hear this. She is NOT doing right by you. You can decide to try to stay close to her while she refuses to see your side of things as she’s struggling. But I want you to know, that means you are saying you are okay with not being treated well. And I promise you, no one can keep that up forever. The longer this pattern continues, the more you need to ask yourself if it’s really worth enabling it. It’s NOT being a bad friend to ask to be treated the way you should even when someone is suffering. And if she won’t? You’re totally allowed to give her as much distance as you want. Grief is NOT a free pass for being unfair to you.
You should talk to the other girls and ask them if they have any idea how awful it is for their parent to die of cancer. Ask them why they’re icing out the roommate whose mother is dead. Ask them why she gets to pontificate to you that it would be better if her father were dead and make you have to hear it.
You should let them have it.
NTA – you were respectful. Kate’s correct, non-ah action was to say “oh, gosh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I’ll quit.”
Remember kids, this is why you don’t stay married for the sake of your children.
Slim odds the parents only just now decided to divorce, now that their kid has just left to university.
NTA.
When I was about 19, my cousin and I were next door neighbors and we were only a year apart in age. We were in her car one day, and she was venting to me cuz she’d just had a fight with her dad. In the middle of her rant, she said “you have no idea what it’s like to have a father like him.” First off, her dad was a good guy, it was just that she was a teenager. But more importantly, my father died when I was 12. I couldn’t believe she would say something so clueless. I never said anything to her about it, but I’m in my 60s now, and I still remember how that felt.
NTA