I’ve (25F) been staying with my sister (37) and her husband (50) this week and have been noticing his drinking behavior.
I’ve been helping out with chores, like recycling, and have seen the piles of cans that go out to the can each week. Every night, he comes home from work and sits in front of the TV for 4 hours and gets up to get a new drink every hour or so.
Today, he came home with 2 8-packs of vodka sodas around 4/5 pm. I walked into the kitchen around 8/9 and saw one of the new boxes was open and there were 4 gone. They are 4.5% alc. He is the only one that drinks them. My sister is pregnant and I’m on a no-sugar diet. It’s not like I was intentionally counting. I just take notice of my surroundings and my brain does the math.
My sister and I have a history of alcoholism on my mom’s side of the family. We have both had to deal with the drunks in the family, so naturally I was a little concerned. 3-4 drinks a night, every night, seems like a lot. I can’t imagine how much he is spending on these vodka sodas every month.
(I’ve actually gone to the kitchen again now and there are another 2 missing. Though I did not see him drink 2 more, so he may have put them in the garage or something.)
I gently tried to bring it up to her after she went to bed. She became defensive and said I was coming off as "judgy." I told her I really didn’t mean it that way, I just noticed and was concerned. I even reasoned that maybe since he was a larger dude (nearly 7 foot) that his frequency of drinking was normal for a man his size. She asked why I would be concerned if he’s not getting drunk or acting inappropriately. Then said, "We wouldn’t want to have to act any different than we would if you weren’t here." Which tells me this is normal.
I don’t know. It wasn’t really my place and I’ve made things uncomfortable by even bringing it up. AITA?
NTA. He’s an alcoholic. She’s enabling. However, there’s nothing you can do about this. Just be supportive of your sister, so that she keeps family in her life and doesn’t cut contact.
I’m not even going to read all of this. If you noticing the trash is your first red flag, then maybe to m the fact you’re posting about this is YOUR red flag. Is he supporting her? Is he abusing her in any way (financially, physically, emotionally?) I’m guessing not since his four drink night makes you react like this. The world isn’t perfect. Maybe he has PTSD and a drink or a blunt helps him be himself without the trauma. If it’s not a problem, leave it alone and mind your own business. Why you on their couch anyways?
NTA. Alcoholism runs in your family so it’s natural to show concern. You brought it up gently and that was enough. Don’t take any more action, just make sure she knows undoubtedly (without saying it at all, just using actions) that her and the baby have a place if they ever need it.
One 4.5% 12-ounce can per hour is not going to cause someone to get drunk if they’re a 50 year old male and used to it. He likely doesn’t even feel it. If his wife thinks there’s a problem, she’ll let him know…it’s none of your business.
YTA
NTA If you can’t ask your own sister this kind of exploratory question, then who can you? People are going to say “its none of your business”. No, it is that mentality of ‘im not going to speak up when im concerned something not quite right is occurring because its none of my business’ that has lead to so many of our current problems as a society. This is your sister, a loved one, someone you’re very (assumedly) close with. You’re allowed to ask questions. You’re allowed to be concerned. You’re allowed to speak up.
You didn’t flat out accuse him (assuming you’re giving an honest recount of how you asked). You didn’t speak poorly of him. You didn’t say he needed to be in prison or leave the house or physically hurt him. You asked a question. And people are allowed to get mad, and thats also completely okay. Doesn’t mean you did the wrong thing. Doesn’t mean they’re wrong for feeling angry. It depends on what happens next that could change things, what does she do with her anger, what do you do with your concern?
And I can tell you as someone who works at a hospital and does these assessments all the time, that his frequency would’ve flagged for a chemical dependence assessment and a try to connect him to resources for alcohol abuse.
Don’t get angry at her anger. Just respond with, if anything, i asked this from a place of love and concern because of our history, not out of judgment or dislike.
NAH. Its ok to be concerned, but it also doesn’t sound like he was inappropriate, aggressive or exhibiting behaviors where your sister or others are at risk.
Widow of an alcoholic here (67F) stay out of this!!!! Love your sister, support her as she has supported you,cause things may get rough. BUT not your monkey, not your circus! Keep your eyes open, no violence? Good! And sometimes we need to just stay with ‘good’ til things work out/evolve.
NTA and super surprised by all the YTA posts. It’s your sister, she’s literally family, and she’s having a baby. It’s not normal to drink that much alcohol, it is literally poison and it sounds like she’s enabling it.
NTA, everyone excusing 4 alcoholic drinks daily is an alcoholic 💀
NTA and the commenters saying you *are* for checking in on your pregnant sister’s wellbeing are fucking wild.
All the Y T A s are baffling. The recommended daily maximum number of drinks is two. You also don’t have to get drunk or drink heavily every time you drink to be an alcoholic. You just have to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. That does include using it to self-medicate. And all you did was ask…The fact that she got defensive tells me it is a problem. NTA
Nta. Nightly drinking only gets worse. 4 cans now, 5 next month, etc. Its the dependency and consistency thats concerning. Peoples exact definition of alcoholic can differ, but once it interferes w relationships or finances or work it becomes a problem.
I would say more offer ur sister support rather than directly intervene in their relationship. If hes drinking infront of the tv that much, shes probably doing more around the house and not getting as much companionship from him. Intervene directly if he’s hurting himself (drinking and driving, drinking himself to the point of routinely passing out, unable to function or falls ill when sober), or hes hurting your sister.
Full disclosure I am biased from my past, even though ill still have a rough avg of 3 drinks a week. My father was a wretched alcoholic and it lead him to an early grave. I worked as an emt for several years and got on a first name basis with many of my old towns drunks. My time as a home health aid and cna have shown me the daily effect of severe alcholism, include lethal effects. While the husband doesnt sound like a severe alcoholic yet, its still a problem that they need therapy or something for. But i dont reckon you’re the person to tell him, thats probably his wife, and even then he needs to want it to see any progress.
NTA, you were asking out of concern.
It’s not about the amount: it’s about dependence – which appears absolutely to be present in this case given the nightly drinking.
Denial from loved ones is, sadly, normal, especially when their alcoholic is functioning ‘normally’ day to day – holding down a job, etc – and your sister’s defensive (rather than ‘surprised’) reaction tells me that at some level she already has niggling concerns and doesn’t want to address them – understandable, especially given her pregnancy.
Unfortunately OP there is nothing you can do except ‘be there’ for your sister. Don’t raise it again: she is also an addict – in her case, co-dependency. Get your own support elsewhere to help you navigate your emotions around this.
NTA. You asked, she responded. You responded to her in an appropriate way.
Its wild to me that so many people are acting like drinking 4 drinks a day every day is normal. IT IS NOT NORMAL. He is an alcoholic, you’re right. He doesn’t need to be getting drunk or tipsy to be an alcoholic. He doesn’t need to be abusive to be an alcoholic. He doesn’t need to be neglectful to be an alcoholic.
All he needs to do to be an alcoholic is drink excessively. And 4 drinks EVERY day is excessive.
I question the relationship with alcohol of anyone who thinks this is normal.