I (32M) recently started participating in a variety of singles dating activities- local speed dates, mixers, trivia nights etc. I’m pretty insecure about the way I could be perceived, I will admit I don’t have the best hygiene, which is partly due to my lifestyle. I currently am staying with a friend because of a slight gambling problem, and because of my social anxiety I prefer to only shower when he is not in the house, so some days I mainly clean up without one. So it has been hard for me to regain my confidence and feel better about myself physically.
Anyways, I have started to put myself out there more, taking better care of myself to get out of my slump and hopefully find a life partner. A family is very important to me, and I am very clear about my need to have biological children of my own.
A few days ago I went to this new speed dating event at a local brewery, it was nice to meet so many new people (as potential female prospects and friends), however during one of my last conversations, I realized that the girl was deaf, or hard of hearing. Halfway through the conversation I noticed her recording me for some reason on her phone and I asked her politely to stop. She said something about it being an app that helped her transcribe better and that it was an accommodation or whatever. I asked if she could just lip read or not record me at all- it was against the rules to video others unless you actually had a disability, which I don’t think she did because of the hearing aid and her ability to speak. She refused to, and feeling violated, I quickly took her phone off the table and tried to delete the recording of me. Another speed dater saw this and alerted one of the workers. I asked the worker if she could leave the event because of her inability to follow instructions that protected the safety and anonymity of singles like me and instead they rudely kicked me out of the event.
I think that this is unfair, as I was only trying to follow the rules of the event and feel safe and not attacked because of what I say and how I look. So, am I the asshole for requesting that she leave the event?
I am not saying being deaf isn’t a disability, I felt anxious about her videoing me because I am insecure about my appearance and because I have had a past relationship post photos of me online making fun of how I look.
edit: for those attacking me in the comments calling me disgusting did you ever consider that is what I was worried about with the recording? for the record I did not show up smelling terrible to the event to my knowledge and use cologne
YTA. You should not have grabbed her phone, but asked the event coordinators to intervene accordingly. Also hearing loss is a disability.
YTA — sorry man, totally empathize with the self-image and self-confidence struggles and I hope you get some serious help for the gambling and anxiety problems, but this is pretty cut and dry: don’t touch other people’s things. That wasn’t cool that she was recording you without your knowledge, but grabbing her phone and attempting to delete the file was an asshole move. You are not an employee or organizer for this event, you have no right to dictate who is or isn’t there. If you had reason to believe she was legitimately violating a rule, you should have walked away from the interaction and notified one of the organizers for them to handle it.
Yta and get your shit together before dating
Having to get “shit” together is crazy considering the significance of being in a relationship. Yes I do personal growth on my own, but partners should help and build each other up
I beg to differ but nobody wants a couch surfing partner with a gambling problem.
People start dating because they enjoy each other’s company. If you aren’t enjoyable company — and anxiety so bad you can’t shower regularly is far from enjoyable — nobody is going to invest the time to build you up.
Being clean and pleasant is a basic requirement.
Exactly! You live with a friend, have a gambling problem, poor hygiene, and don’t believe someone has disabilities, you you aggressive with a woman, but you want a life partner and family? No you don’t, you want someone stable and established to take care of you.
What exactly do you have to offer a woman?
I really hope this isn’t real. Grow up and get your shit together.
>it was against the rules to video others unless you actually had a disability, which I don’t think she did because of the hearing aid and her ability to speak.
I can see why they kicked you out, for assuming you knew more about her disability than she did. But sounds like she missed out on a real catch, a guy with bad hygiene because he’s afraid to shower and sleeping on his friend’s couch at 32 due to a lack of personal responsibility, I bet she’s really regretting not being your breeder YTA
YTA. I don’t know why you went through all of the hygiene stuff just to tell us how you belittled a deaf woman. You don’t get to decide what accommodation she needs to she interact with others nor do you determine how well she can or can’t hear or lip read. If her using the app made you uncomfortable you could have skipped speaking with her. You think you get anxious going to events? Imagine this from her point of view.
The rules of the event were no recording- so it wasn’t me deciding the rules
Without a doubt, you are very clearly the asshole in this situation and also in the comments.
For the situation described above, you don’t have any intention of family, or a life partner, but pretend you do – just to have someone take care of you/help you get your shit together, which is what therapy is for, not people you’re looking to start dating.
For the comments, you’re attempting to guilt people into siding with you because of your circumstances, which are tragic, but they aren’t the responsibility of people in the dating pool or in Reddit comments.
You went after a deaf/hard of hearing person’s phone because they were using a transcription app, recording voice but not you specifically. Denied her disability, and tried to get her kicked out for using an assistive device, when you had so many other less anxiety inducing/anxiety avoidant methods at your disposal.
In short, you went to a singles event you clearly weren’t ready for, and then came to Reddit to pity farm.
You’re. The. Asshole.
YTA on so many levels.
You admit your personal hygiene is lacking. There’s no excuse for it, no matter how good you think your reasons are.
Your “need” to have biological children. Get over yourself. There are so many things to consider before having kids, but they don’t seem to matter to you.
>I realized that the girl was deaf, or hard of hearing.
> it was against the rules to video others unless you actually had a disability
You acknowledge her hearing aid. That means there’s a hearing disability, no matter what you call it. Do you think people wear them for fun? Her transcribing your conversation was perfectly normal. It’s ok to ask her not to record you, but you went overboard and caused a scene. Instead of grabbing her phone, you could have asked the “worker” for help instead of taking it upon yourself. You can’t control your own impulses, so of course they kicked you out. Duh.
Lastly, and I can’t stress this enough: Spraying on cologne does not make up for poor hygiene. In fact, it makes it 10 times worse.
I suggest you find a therapist, because you overreacted, and you still think you did nothing wrong.