AITA? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here so I need an outside perspective because my husband is making me feel like a controlling monster.
I (26f) and my husband (33m) have two kids, a 4yo boy and a 1yo girl. We do okay money-wise, nice house, suburbs, etc. My husband works crazy hours in finance so he’s gone most of the day. I work from home as a project manager. People seem to think "work from home" means "I sit around watching Netflix," but I am actually working. It’s stressful.
Two months ago husband’s cousin "Greg" (27m) moved in. He lost his job/apartment and needed a place to crash to get back on his feet. I said yes because I honestly thought, hey, another adult around might help? Maybe he can watch the baby while I pee?
Huge mistake.
Greg is basically a phantom teenager. He sleeps till noon, eats all the snacks I buy for the kids (I literally hid fruit snacks in my bedroom), and leaves dishes everywhere. The other day I walked into the kitchen and he was making a sandwich on the counter, left the crusts and crumbs, and just walked away.
The breaking point was friday. I was on a zoom call with a client, door shut. The baby woke up from her nap screaming. Greg was in the living room watching a movie. He didn’t even pause the movie. I had to apologize, mute myself, run out, and grab the baby. When I asked him why he didn’t check on her he said "I didn’t want to overstep". it made no sense and felt weird to me because my child is his neice.
I sat my husband down that night. I told him I’m done. I’m doing the cooking, cleaning, working full time, and picking up after a 27-year-old man. I told husband he needs to talk to Greg and set ground rules: do your own dishes, take out the trash, and maybe help with the kids if I’m working.
My husband got weirdly defensive. He said he "can’t" tell Greg to do chores. His reasoning is that Greg is older than me (he’s 27, I’m 26) and he’s going through a hard time, and it would be "humiliating" for him to be bossed around in his cousin’s house. He said guys have a pride thing about this and if he starts treating Greg like a maid, it’ll destroy his confidence when he’s already down. Basically, he’d rather I suffer than make his cousin feel awkward. I told him that was BS and his "pride" isn’t my problem. I said either Greg steps up or he moves out. My husband said I’m being a "hostile host" and that I don’t understand how hard it is for a guy to lose his independence. Now husband is sulking and Greg is still on my couch and the vibes in the house are awful.
I feel like I’m reasonable for expecting a houseguest to help, but husband is convinced I’m being an insensitive jerk who wants to emasculate his family member.
**so please tell me if i am the asshole??**
INFO
> People seem to think “work from home” means “I sit around watching Netflix,” but I am actually working.
OK.
> I was on a zoom call with a client, door shut. The baby woke up from her nap screaming.
Well, whose job IS watching the children when you’re busy working?
Yeah this confused me. Was op doing full time childcare AND full time work?
I’m surprised her workplace allows that. Mine were always clear about WFH arrangements requiring separate childcare.
I was catching fake vibes from the trope-y ass setup, then stuff starts not making real sense. Sounds like bullshit to me.
NTA. Honestly, call him out. Draw boundaries and give him a timeline to move out. No, your husband cannot expect you to take care of his cousin like he is a kid.
If your husband doesn’t like it, he can baby his cousin.
NTA. Quiet quit. Do nothing for your husband and his cousin. Only take care of yourself.
Girl dinner is so nice compared to full on cooking. But I’d kick Greg out. The _least_ he can do is not create work for his hosts, but he’s not even managing that. Men are such parasites.
May this love never find me. Stop having babies with men who would rather see you suffer than tell a man ‘stop being a lazy prick’
I’m guessing Greg doesn’t really know what a diaper is and your husband knows but he runs away from them, so I think it would be appropriate to allow the little one to scamper around the house without a diaper on. You, of course, would pick her up and swing her away from her own messes before she crawled through them but other than that leave it for the boys.
When your husband is so mad he’s got flames coming out of his nose, tell him you would love to talk with him about it when he settles down.
And in the meantime the baby’s pee and poo are not something he can or cannot quote help unquote with, they are the leftovers belonging to his beloved baby who was created out of his sperm. Any and all jobs related to the baby are as much his job as yours. Mention that he can rent a rug Doctor at any grocery store.
And mentioned to him that being so disrespected and treated like a servant is something that efeminates women, making them feel weak and unseen.
And also don’t forget the part about where your husband cares a lot more about his cousins potential reaction to being told to clean up then he cares about his wife’s actual reaction to his cousin’s dirty feet and unbrushed teeth and beer cans crushed and tossed over the back of the couch. Yes, those things were not in the post, I got a little carried away. Not that my husband has friends that would do anything like that…
And anyway, as we women know, the sexiest men are the ones truly stepping up and being fair.
THIS ,this should be pinned to the top ,do NOTHING for those 2 ,one is a complete bum ,its your husbands family he needs to pick up after this child, just do yourself and baby thats it ,nothing more .NTA
Girl reduce your workload by two thirds and kick out both the lazy useless men. Maybe your wasband can marry his hobosexual cousin, given he’s way more invested in his welfare than yours and his child’s…
The problem is it might not be possible. If there were no kids in the house, sure, stop cleaning and cooking. Show ’em how important keeping a house clean is. But you can’t make your kids live in filth to teach two adult men a lesson. I have kids, I can’t imagine not cleaning or cooking, they deserve better.
What she should do is telling her husband the cousin is not welcome anymore. This is not *his* house, it’s *their* house. OP gets a say in how they handle stuff, specially if it is her and the kids the ones who have to put up with an unwelcome guest. It is easy for her husband to feel generous since *he’s barely at home*. As a father and husband his priority should always be his wife and kids.
Besides… Why coddle an adult man’s fee fees? He’s crashing at a cousin’s house because he’s got nowhere to go, but *cleaning after himself would hurt his self esteem*. Gimme a break.
ESH.
Cousin should be embarrassed to be acting like a child and creating extra work for his host that graciously opened up their home during a trying time.
However, child care while you’re at work needs to be an actual adult conversation not an assumption on your part.
Husband needs to not dismiss the trouble cousin is causing for you in your household. It’s super easy for him to invite another body into your space when it doesn’t impact him at all
ESH.
Greg is a bum. He should be embarrassed that he’s not even doing the bare minimum of adulting and cooking and cleaning up after himself.
Your husband is an AH for thinking that Greg’s behaviour is acceptable.
And you shouldn’t be putting childcare expectations on someone else, especially if that wasn’t a prearranged agreement when he moved in. Your child, your responsibility. If caring for your child interferes with your work, then that’s a problem you need to resolve, not expect Greg to be a mind reader.
Personally, I’d tell your husband that you didn’t sign up to be maid to him or Greg. And then go on strike. Do the bare minimum to keep you and baby functional. They can fend for themselves.