I’m 28F and recently moved back in with my parents and younger brother (22M) in early November after living on my own for a little over 2 years. I’m a grad student, so I’ve been juggling school with unpacking and getting my room set up again. After I left, my brother took the desk that used to be in my room and moved it into his. Since then I’ve been studying at the dining table or in coffee shops, but my plan was always to eventually study in my bedroom once it was settled.
One day while my brother was at school, I asked my mom to help me move the desk back into my room. She agreed, and we did it. For context, my brother and I were already not on speaking terms (for a different reason), and still aren’t. I’ll admit I didn’t tell him beforehand or ask his permission.
When he came home from school and saw the desk gone, he completely flipped out.
He said it was disrespectful to go into his room and move the desk without telling him. But the desk was originally in my room, and before I moved out he acknowledged it was mine. He argues it was never really mine because my dad bought it for himself and only put it in my room when he stopped using it. My dad tried calming him down by saying the desk is for the whole family, but my brother thinks everyone agreeing to move it back to my room is just a cover for “siding” with me, and doesn’t feel like it’s for everybody. My parents’ reasoning was that I’d make more consistent use of it, and when I took it, it had some clutter and packages.
My brother says he uses it for virtual classes (minimum 3 times a week) and meetings when he needs privacy, and that I shouldn’t have assumed things would go back to exactly how they were two years ago. From my perspective, this is still my home too, and I thought it was reasonable to want the desk back in my room, especially with my parents agreeing.
So am I the AITA?
\*Also just adding in that the desk is definitely nicer standing desk, which would be expensive for either of us to pay out of pocket.
INFO: Did you use the desk before you moved out? Was the desk officially given to you, or was it placed in your room because your dad needed a place to put it?
YTA, you moved and left your stuff, in a nutshell that stuff is a free for all unless explicit agreements were made prior to your leaving. I have kids that moved out and kids that live at home still, the kids that moved out understand and are in agreement with certain stuff they left behind is free to go to whatever sibling wants it. As well as certain stuff being left in storage for their future use.
Yeah, YTA. You should have told him and organised a replacement. Or maybe organise a replacement for yourself.
YTA. You don’t just go into someone’s room and take something they have been using for 2 years without asking.
YTA.
You left the home space, which meant that anything that you left behind when you left had to be dealt with. Someone else had a use for it, and it got used. By default, that makes it theirs. Especially when you made no comment that you wanted to come and get it, or that he could ‘borrow’ it.
You left it for your family to deal with, and it was dealt with by being rehomed to someone that could use it. You defaulted to not having a right to decide what happens to it when you left it to be a someone else problem.
Then on top of that, you went into his personal space without his permission and took it when he wasn’t there. That’s an invasion of privacy on top of everything and it entirely discounts his personal feelings for ‘well but I wanted it’.
Cool story. He’s right. You shouldn’t walk into someone else’s home and decide for them what their space is going to look like and how it will function. And that’s what you did. It USED to be your home. It has been his the entire time.
You left, and now you’re coming back in and just deciding to do things in his home. It’s not ‘still your home’. It’s your parents home. You’re a grown adult who’s left the home and come back into it. You’re upsetting the natural order of the place that has found it’s own groove in the two years that you’ve been gone.
You LEFT. You don’t get to walk back in and throw your weight around. He deserves a huge apology, your behaviour is ridiculously entitled.
YTA. To be frank, you’re acting like a child. Sometimes that happens when young adults go back home, but that doesn’t make it right. Even *if* the desk still belongs to you, that doesn’t give you the right to steal it while your brother’s not home. The right thing to do would have been to tell him you’d like it back and be sure he has a replacement before you take it. You don’t go into his room, go into his desk, and just take it like you’re a toddler grabbing back a toy. It’s unfortunate that your parents were equally inconsiderate of your brother, and I feel bad for him.
You’re an arsehole. You moved out, things don’t just magically go back to what they once were because you moved back home.
He needs to study as much as you do. Talk about golden child.
YTA
Yeah, YTA. While you lived at school, the desk you left behind might has well have been put to use by the rest of your family. It’s been in your brother’s room for two years. Regardless of your relationship with him, you should’ve at least asked before you moved the desk out of his room. Sure, you might need it right now, but this has basically become a shared item and the two of you should have enough basic respect to ask before taking it.
YTA I can’t believe your mom helped you without asking him.The only person who isn’t and ahole in this scenario is your brother. You went into his personal space and stole from him. Your mon helped you steal from your brother and your dad is trying to cover for your guys by making up somebs family desk story. Which is ridiculous is your brother gonna use the desk while it’s in your room? You left the desk, you gave it up and your didn’t even buy the desk. Your brother was right it is not going to be exactly the same as it was when you left the house. Get over yourself.
Be honest with yourself, does your brother have a point when he says your parents always side with you?
Edit: I get times are tough, but you are almost 30 go to a thrift store or like a goodwill and buy yourself a desk.
Wow, no wonder your brother isn’t speaking to you. Let’s see:
\- That desk was not your property;
\- you abandoned it TWO YEARS ago;
\- he has been using it for those two years for perfectly legitimate reasons – which are in no way inferior to your own;
\- you don’t bother discussing its use with your brother;
\- you invade his private space;
\- you take his possession and carry it away without his knowledge or consent (the common law definition of theft, in case you were wondering);
\- you clean out his belongings (neatly characterized by you as “some clutter and packages”).
Yes, OP. YTA. Return the desk and go buy yourself one from IKEA for a hundred bucks, or look on Facebook Market place or Kijiji (or your local equivalent) for a freebie.
YTA. 100%. What you did was selfish, immature, disrespectful, and cowardly. You are a 28 yr old F acting like a spoiled 8 yr old.
And your parents are spineless weasels.
YTA. First, you owe your brother an apology. Because you went into his room without permission and then took just something. All because you felt entitled to it. When the truth is, you should have acted like an adult and talked to him. Not just take the damn thing and then expect him to be okay with that.
Second, your brother is right. You shouldn’t expect things to go back to how they were before you left. It has been over two years. Things change. Including who gets to use what when one person is no longer in the house.
So honestly, you either need to put the desk back or arrange for a replacement for your brother. Because you owe him that much for being such an entitled snot.
YTA.
You do not just go into his room and remove things. And the reason you gave is basically “I want it.” I suspect there are very good reasons your brother doesn’t speak to you.