Context: I have a child with my previous husband who passed away and my current boyfriend and I are pregnant with another. While my boyfriend isn’t the biological father my first child he had chosen the role as my child’s dad and will eventually adopt them.
We also plan to get married in the spring. We’re basically engaged but he’s getting a specific ring made and is waiting to propose until it is complete, but wedding planning has started.
(A bit unconventional but it works for us)
Also I have known his family for many years even before we started dating so it’s not like I’m a stranger.
My boyfriend has sisters that he used to see regularly when he was single because they’re all close. But gradually as he fell into a father role for my child and became a part of our lives more and more his time to see his sisters diminished. This isn’t to say he doesn’t see them but when he does have time to himself he likes to hang out with his guy friends and such so they’re not the biggest priority.
That being said, there has been some issues as this transpired. His sisters will invite him out to breakfast or to hangout at their places and he has said things like “I was planning on spending time with my girlfriend and the kid. Do you mind if I bring them along?” This has resulted in his sisters cancelling plans and trying to reschedule for a time when it’s only him.
This wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t so frequent that they’re only inviting him to go do something. I come from a family we’re when somebody starts seriously dating/ gets married they become a part of the family and are invited to almost everything. And while sometimes people are busy, I can’t imagine any of my family or siblings canceling plans because I tried to invite my boyfriend.
Well my boyfriend let it slip to one of his sisters a few months ago that I’ve been feeling a bit off about them only wanting to spend time alone with him, she got pretty mad and told the other sisters. And now they’re saying things like “have you talked about the ‘family dynamic’” As in, has he talked to me about that they want to spend time with just him and the assumption is that I’m not invited unless explicitly told otherwise.
I don’t know, I’ve just felt so weird about it. I get wanting to have sibling time every now and again. Or if my boyfriend had brothers and they were having guy time. But there’s are girls close enough to my age where we get along at family events, but when it comes to being friends and soon to be sister in laws they seems to want very little to do with me and only want my boyfriend coming around. It also makes me feel off because what (soon to be) husband and father of 2 is able to go out all the time without his family? I get that they might not see my child as a part of their direct family’s but what happens when the new baby comes?
Btw, this is only his sister’s. His parents and extended family have no problem with me and I’m invited to everything that they host.
Edit: I am one of 7 kids. And get along well with them all and am close with a few.
2nd Edit: Also, we both give each other time for alone time and time to hangout with friends or family alone. When he plans something he typically will plan something with his guy friends or will take my kid to go see him mom (since we all see her as a grandma to my kid). His sisters typically don’t plan things in advance and will call him day of or the night before to invite him to things. He is working on his degree and working so he’s already strained for time and a lot of the times they will invite him to things when we have planned family time for the 3 of us.
INFO: do you have siblings? ETA: never mind, I can’t read.
Different families have different dynamics and there’s nothing wrong with his sisters wanting to spend time with just him. I’d also gently suggest to you that insisting you have to be included in everything they want to do with their brother is extremely unlikely to endear you to them or foster the friendship you seem to think they should want to have with you.
this is a NAH but if you keep pushing it, YWBTA.
Just because they are sisters, don’t mean they don’t enjoy just seeing their brother solo sometimes. Encourage him to go. Then maybe they will be more open to you coming along on other occasions. NAH.
Nothing wrong with the siblings wanting to hang out without their SO. YWBTA if you push your way in, if they have hangouts where its the siblings all hanging out, there’s nothing wrong with that.
NAH.
They may not want to hang out with your child & just see their brother. I wish I could spend more time with my sister and not her 4 year old – who won’t sit still & interrupts or tries to redirect the conversation if she doesn’t understand it.
Do any of the sisters bring the kids/partners or is it only the siblings?
I don’t get these comments, I think it’s weird that they are excluding you. NTA
I don’t know, my sister and BIL have been together for like 15 years. Unless I go to their house, she and I hang out alone. He’s always invited to family outings and I love catching up with him, but maintaining sibling relationships can absolutely mean not having the partner there without compromising their romantic relationship
This is how I feel. I sometimes do 1×1 stuff with my BIL, especially because we like more of the same type of movies, but when I go to visit them, my sister and I always do a meal or something just us, without my BIL and niece.
I love them both a lot but it was also just my sister and I for 18 years so sometimes I like doing stuff with just her too.
YTA.
You and your boyfriend are not chained together. He can and should be able to do things without you *if he chooses*. He is choosing not to for whatever reason, and his sister(s) clearly don’t accept that they can’t see their brother without you and your child and it is their right to have that boundary.
Why does your husband refuse to go without you? Is it to keep the peace knowing it’ll start a fight or make you feel some type of way if he accepts? Does this translate into his sisters feeling you are being manipulative/controlling and that’s why they aren’t all that keen on you?
You cannot expect yourself from others. Just because your family is one way doesn’t mean that’s how all families work or will work just because you’re dating/marrying into it.
Keeping autonomy, children or not, is important in relationships. Being able to do things independently and maintain your identity separate from your partner and children is vital.
There are some codependency vibes here and that is breeding ground for unhealthy, toxic relationship dynamics.
This is such a stretch. OP clearly isn’t barring him from spending time with them — she’s confused why she’s \*never\* invited to do things with them. She doesn’t get why they cancel entire hang outs if her SO even asks if she can come. And yeah, those things are weird and read as unfriendly and territorial coming from the sisters.
INFO- How old are you all? You, boyfriend and sisters. And does your boyfriend ever have sibling time with his sisters?
You’d be fine if they were brothers, but you have issues with his sisters wanting one on one time with their brother? Nothing wrong with sibling time. Why are you so thirsty?
YTA. Those are his sisters, he’s been spending time with them his whole life/their whole lives. They can spend time together without whoever they’re currently in a relationship with tagging along.
NAH. It’s normal to want some things to be siblings. That doesn’t diminish your importance; just means you’re not a sibling. Can your boyfriend plan something with his sisters instead? Then also plan a time with you all? That way you’re included but his sisters also get time too. If you continue to push that it’s always as a group, they will really resent you and you will become the asshole to them who is keeping their brother from parts of his family.
I will preface this by saying I don’t have a brother. My husband and my sister get along great. In many ways he’s the brother she never had. However there are times when it needs to be just my sister and me. And that’s ok.
Soft YTA.
Let him have the relationship he wants to have with them and stay out of it. If he wants to be alone with them he can, if he wants to include you and they don’t want you, he can skip it.
Try to stay out of it. Clearly this has very little to do with you, so don’t create a story around it. See it for what it is. His sisters love him and are a little weirdly territorial. Let them have their brother and he be the one who decides what he wants.