I have a buddy that self describes as "non-confrontational", and vents to me about the most insane situations. Last night on discord (with a couple other people), he was complaining his "GF" got him to pay for a flight for a solo trip for her to go to Spain for a week. The story? She asked, he hesitated, she said he was being controlling, and he caved. Over 1000 bucks down the drain to fund financial abuse happened in a verbal exchange that lasted less than a minute
I told him to say no, learn to put his foot down, etc etc, for the thousandth and he whines about how it’d make things awkward and he just doesn’t like confronting people. I lost what remained of my patience by now, so I told him to "deal with it then" firmly. He clearly had more to say, and broached the topic several more times to voice his frustration, like "Yeah but isn’t it crazy…" "But I just feel so bad…", and each time, I gave him a curt, firm response. "Deal with it." "Do something about it", etc etc. After a few minutes of that, he finally stopped, and logged off some minutes after that while me and my other 2 friends chatted for the rest of the evening.
I’m torn because one friend is as sick of it as me and says I only said what both of them were thinking, but the other one says it was still mean to shut him down for complaining about abuse he let happen for years, and we should try to support him.
IMO, all three of us have given him all of the advice and support we possibly could, and at a certain point he has to say no or deal with saying yes. I think its hypocritical/ moronic for him to say yes constantly then be upset about it, and I think its unfair for him to constantly turn our evening hang outs into a support group for his latest sob story. So, AITA?
Notes: He’s been dating his GF for 3+ years, all involved are in our early 30s.
NTA
Unlike your buddy, you’re refusing to cave just because it could get awkward.
NTA. At this point he’s using you as his emotional punching bag. Either he’s going to stand up for himself and close off the metaphorical hole in his pocket or allow her to keep railing him up the ass just to avoid “things being awkward.” He needs to choose and crying to you and then not following your advice isn’t going to fix anything.
NTA
You can’t help him fix something he doesn’t want to fix himself.
I would maybe just write him an well-written email (don’t send when you wrote it, sleep on it for a couple of nights and rewrite bits if needed to get the tone right)?
Explain that you want to support him and be there for him but that he is going along with his partner’s financial demands and each time he comes complaining about it to you and the other friends. That although you want to be there for him, that you don’t like it when every group hangout eventually starts being about his partner and her financial abuse again and again.
You could suggest boundaries like: Please don’t bring this stuff up in our group hangouts as it always takes all the attention so what should be a group chat to just talk about random things becomes your personal support group. I’m happy to talk to you about these issues one to one maybe for 10 minutes out of a longer phone call but I can’t bring up the patience to keep listening to hours and hours of the same stories.
I would also suggest to him to speak to a professional because things are not going well for him.
I would also ask him why he is still with her, because after 3 years of this, the isn’t going to change. So he should either accept that this is their dynamic, or he should leave.
NTA he either needs to fix his issues or shut up
Tell him to watch “the big hit” with Mark Wahlberg. Main character has the same problem and it’s also funny as hell
NTA. It gets tiring trying to help people that don’t want to listen and keeps coming for help and advice and support.
NTA maybe there could’ve been a slightly better way to go about it. Idk maybe they needed to hear someone be that blunt. It’s tough trying to hold someone else’s problems especially when they can’t take accountability. I know exactly how frustrating that is especially if it’s a big value for you. Do you ever get the feeling he doesn’t care that much but he just doesn’t want to look stupid to you guys? Or you think he really just doesn’t have a spine?
NTA. Tell him you refuse to hear him complain about any topic more than twice. When he does just get up and walk away. If it continues you may need to move on from them. Some people refuse to fix anything but demand you let them complain constantly.
NTA. You were probably nicer than me
NTA. I’m the AH because at this stage I’m in one ear and out the other or ghost the person.
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” is pretty befitting the situation here, and you have no obligation to stand around watching the horse stare at the water.
EDIT: forgot to type NTA
NAH.
I had a friend who would complain and get upset almost every day over a friend who was a bit too intense and passive aggressive. She would come to me crying and upset about the same mistreatment every single night. It was almost like she wanted there to be a frictionless life with an option that allows her to never have to speak up for herself or be confident in her own needs. Thats not realistic and theres no magic wand to make everything the way you wish it was. Theres just you.
I told her I didn’t want to hear the same song over and over again. She already knew my opinion, she clearly felt like shit in the friendship and needed to put on her big girl pants and end the friendship. Your friend needs to put on his big boy pants and either put up or shut up. Complaining won’t fix the issue and theres not much more you can say.
You cant give him a backbone, no one wants to hear the same complaint over and over and you probably said it nicer than i would of NTA
NTA. It’s called accountability and some people just don’t have it. The best friends you’ll ever have are the ones that tell you what you don’t want to hear and holdbyou accountable.