My (M45) partner (F43) and I have two kids and a surprisingly intense conflict over the dishwasher.
When she cooks things like boiled eggs, pasta, or steamed veg, she puts in:
• The pot
• The steamer pot
• The steamer insert
• The lids
These items have pretty much only touched boiling water. No oil. No sauce. No mess. A quick rinse and wipe out = perfectly clean.
But she puts them in the dishwasher. They’re huge and take up the entire bottom rack. So I’ll go to load plates, bowls, or chopping boards… and I can’t. The top rack is empty. The cutlery tray is empty. The dishwasher is basically empty except for three clean pots living their best lives.
So I end up pulling the pots out and washing them by hand. Ironically, after sitting in the dishwasher for a few hours or overnight, they now do need to be cleaned.
In place of the three pots, I can then load all thirty sauce-covered plates our children generate every two hours, which have been quietly mouldering on the kitchen bench (unseen by my partner) while the dishwasher hosts a spa retreat for her clean pots.
I do most of the cooking and kitchen clean-up in our household. That’s just how things have ended up, and I’m generally fine with it. But this issue comes up pretty much every occasion when she does prepare a family meal (or makes something just for herself), which means I end up feeling like I’m cleaning up after her.
Her solution?
I should run the dishwasher with just the three pots and whatever else fits (which is basically nothing), unload it, and then load plates later.
So her proposed plan is:
• Leave the dirty plates on the kitchen bench
• Run a full dishwasher cycle
• For items that are already clean
• Use water, power, detergent
• Unload the pots
• Then finally wash the actual dirty dishes (unless she has decided to use more pots, boiling an egg)
• I shut up and stop complaining
Her proposed system feels less like a plan and more like performance art. I’ve tried mansplaining that:
• Pots used only to boil water don’t really need a full dishwasher cycle
• Running a dishwasher for three pots is wasteful
• It’s frustrating to lose access to the dishwasher, especially when I’m already doing most of the kitchen work
I’ve also tried expressing myself with loud sighs, sarcasm, swearing, mini tantrums, and also that one time ages ago I put some dirty dishes in her side of the bed (which didn’t work out too well for me).
She tells me I’m an asshole for complaining about this. And a total asshole for putting this on Reddit.
So, AITA or does my partner need to clean up her act?
Note: fully aware that I am an asshole in general. Only need guidance in this one area.
You think pans are clean after cooking pasta?
YTA.
Also I know this is radical but have you considered running it twice.
Pretty sure he means a quick wipe of a sponge with soap, which is super easy and doesnt require scrubbing like a dried on sauce. At least that’s how I interpret it.
>These items have pretty much only touched boiling water. No oil. No sauce. No mess. A quick rinse and wipe out = perfectly clean.
To me this doesn’t sound like he thinks soap is needed.
No this totally pisses me off and I get it. NTA. Her solution of running it with the 3 pots doesn’t work because it ruins your flow, you are ready to do the dishes NOW not later
The solution is for her to immediately run the dishwasher when she takes up the bottom rack with her pots. I mean she should be washing those big items by hand but if she won’t, she needs to be the one starting the dishwasher so you can have a full empty washer for after dinner.
Does the dishwasher have a bottom rack only setting?
I personally hate washing the pasta pot because it gets starch blobs in the holes and it feels like it takes forever to wash that one part. I just throw them in the dishwasher and run it on the bottom rack only right away.
My husband also doesn’t want it in the washer, so he will wash it by hand if he gets to it first. I don’t care how he washes it and he doesn’t care how I wash it. We’re both just happy it’s done.
I suggest you just ask your wife to run the dishwasher right away. Even otherwise empty they don’t use that much water, electricity, or soap, so save the drama and let a machine wash them sometimes.
NAH
NTA. If you’re doing most of the cooking/cleaning in the kitchen then you get to request her washing 3 large items by hand.
YTA.
Pasta leaves starch. Steamed veggies leave behind bacteria and particulates. Boiling eggs can burst, and certainly have bacteria on the outside of them. These pots aren’t “clean.” You’re incorrect here, to say nothing of the rest of your behavior around this.
yeah but if they’re taking up so much space in the dishwasher why doesn’t she just wash them by hand?? like this makes no sense but then again i don’t even have a dishwasher lol
The tipping point for being more efficient to run the dishwasher than to handwash, water-wise, is about five items (at least with modern dishwashers). They really are better off just running it twice.
NTA, but: other than the waste of water and power, why doesn’t she run the dishwasher when she fills it? It’s clear that it can’t take much else, and it sounds like there’s a few hours before you could do anything about these pots, so there’s time for her to run the dishwasher and empty it. Which would get these pots out of your way, at least.
The rule our family has always had, is a cook is responsible for cleaning the pans they use. That doesn’t change just because she put them in the dishwasher; she’s not done, because they’re blocking other usage of the dishwasher. She needs to run the dishwasher and unload it rather than leaving her pans for you. And maybe if she didn’t leave it for you, she’d think about what she’s doing a bit more carefully.
Unless you’re only boiling water with absolutely nothing in the water, they need washed.
Does dishwasher have a short wash setting? Use that for the pots.
Take the pots out of the dishwasher, put them back on the stove, load dishwasher as usual. The next time she needs one, SHE has to wash it. Your mistake was putting it in the bedroom, thats just petty. Tho I do agree with several other comments that those pots aren’t “clean”, I do think that the wife should take 3 seconds to swish some hot soapy water in the pot because *she cares about you*. You do what you can to make your partners life easier. Its a PARTNERSHIP
Pasta leaves all sorts of residue. If people aren’t cleaning pasta pots, either with a thorough hand wash or a dishwasher, I’m worried about eating at their house.
Heck, even steamed veggies leave a veggie-tinged residue in the pot below the steamer. They definitely need to be washed and not just a quick rinse.