I feel like the jerk here, but I need some confirmation or at least some advice on how to handle the situation. I (20F) attend university some hours away from my home. I am the oldest of three children and have one sister (19F) and one brother (17M). My sister attends the same university as me. She currently lives in a dorm. I do not.
I have an amazing deal. When I was a freshman, I became part of a church youth group. Said church has a single apartment in the basement. It’s free to someone who cleans and does other duties around the church. I volunteered for the job and I’ve lived there for the past two years. It’s nothing grand; I have a bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchenette/living room. My toilet is broken, my doors won’t properly shut, and the lights constantly flicker. But it’s free as long as I keep up my end of the bargain.
My sister, like I said, lives in a dorm. My parents pay for everything. But they’re going through a tough patch. My brother has been hospitalized for psychosis, my dad fell off a ladder and was hospitalized for a while, and my mom had a varicose vein removed. Then my dad bought some farmland that costs over $350,000 in American money. We still live comfortable lives, but my parents have become very stingy. They’ve started criticizing my financial decisions. My dad even accessed my bank account and called me to complain about how much money I spend. It’s made me very uncomfortable. Now both of my parents have asked me to let my sister move in with me next year. They say it will be a big financial burden off their shoulders. They said that one of us can live in my kitchenette/living room until I graduate my Uni.
Now, don‘t get me wrong, I love my sister. She’s fashionable, funny, and incredibly smart. She’s a writer who’s had some of her work published in literary magazines. We get along well. But here’s the problem…I don’t get along very well with my parents, especially my mom. She has been verbally abusive to me in the past. I still live in fear that she will snap again, as she does on a whim. My dad means well, but he enables her. My sister is pretty close with my mom, and she often reports to Mom about what I’m doing. Mom was mad that I was losing weight, so she had my sister go through my fridge and report on what I was eating. I had a depressive spell this semester that was really bad, due to some terrible things my Mom said and did. My apartment was not in great shape. My sister came over to use my shower and saw my kitchen, and immediately called Mom and Dad. Now both of my parents are mad at me for “violating God’s space”, as my dad calls it.
I‘m scared that my sister will continue to tell my parents about everything I’m doing and my mom will use this to have leverage over me. So I am tempted to say that I don’t want her to be my roommate. But at the same time, my sister is a cool person and I don’t want her to have to worry about finding a place to live. So AITAH for not wanting my sister to be my roommate?
NTA. You definitely shouldn‘t allow your sister to live there and should seriously consider keeping to yourself if she runs and tells your mom your business. Your sister seems to feel more compelled to tell your business than to protect you from your mother so you need to protect yourself.
NTA. This isn’t about not loving your sister but about protecting your mental health. And your sister moving in means you are going back under your parents control cus she will keep telling them things
Here is the way to maneuver around this: This is Out of YOUR Hands. The agreement the church made is with YOU, they did not agree to having your sister. This would be disrespectful to the church. Period
NTA. The decision to allow anyone else to live in your apartment is not yours to make, but the church’s. And even if they were to consider letting 2 people live in such a dinky apartment, there are rules that your sister would have to uphold including doing the house/churchwork that is required. Let’s also be real, no matter how cool you think your sister is, at the end of the day she is still your sister and being forced to live in a cramped space is going to have you two at each other’s throats before long.
NTA, but I want to make a few points.
\- “getting a varicose vein removed” is not in the same category as being hospitalized for psychosis, or for serious injuries from falling off a ladder, and it looks weird in that list of family stressors.
\- Unless your dad is the one putting most or all of the money into your bank account (which I admit seems entirely possible), he should not be able to access it at your age.
\- Most important: Your sister is *not cool*. Not to you anyway. She is repeatedly narking you out to your parents. Do you really want that moving in with you?
EDIT: In case it wasn’t clear, the common theme among all three is that they made me feel like you needed an outsider’s perspective on what is and isn’t normal behavior by family members.
(EDIT 2 I changed some phrasing for clarity, nothing that would change my meaning)
NTA. I hate to tell you this, but your sister is not a cool person. Her first instinct whenever she gets into your home or learns anything about you is call your abuser and give her updates. Which is then used against you and causes you distress.
You should not let her move in. You will be miserable. I’m not even sure it’s an option. You have a deal with the church but she doesn’t. They may kick you both out. Even if the church was okay with it, you need to say no. You don’t want that in your life.
Have the church declare that you can’t have another person living there. Period.
“It’s free as long as I keep up my end of the bargain.”
It’s not free. You provide services in return for this seemingly-broken-likely-not-up-to-standard accomodation.
“My dad even accessed my bank account.”
Set up a new bank account that he cannot access and transfer all your money to it. Immediately.
“They said that one of us can live in my kitchenette/living room.”
Absolutely not. But in caps. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“My apartment was not in great shape. My sister … immediately called Mom and Dad.”
They were appalled at your living conditions but now they want your sister to move in to that same space? Make it make sense.
Do NOT agree to this. Do not allow her over to visit where she’ll just – oops! – end up staying. Limit contact with your abusive parents.
Good luck, OP. NTA
I came here to say exactly this, especially your first point. It ISN’T free—you work for the church and instead of a paycheck, they compensate you in rent for your housing.
You can love your sister and also acknowledge that your relationship is healthier with some distance.
Just tell them the church won’t allow more than one occupant. Say no and leave it at that
NTA. I’d tell them the church won’t allow it as the apartment is only intended for one person.
NTA, just tell them the church only allows one occupant in the apartment because of their own rules or fire code or something.
You were very resourceful to find this solution and you should be proud of yourself for being so financially responsible.
That sounds like a good way to get kicked out of your apartment. Don’t take advantage of the church’s kindness by moving someone in they didn’t authorize. I would suggest having them fix your apartment, though.
Get a new bank account that your parents can’t access. NTA