For context my sister and I are both African American and the husband’s family is caucasian
My sister (28) has been married to her husband (29) for a few years now and they just recently had their first child (age 3) together. Yesterday while walking in the park my sister’s husband wanted to bring his mother along. His mother is all around a very nice woman and we get along just fine.
While we’re watching his mother play with the son on the playground I overhear the MIL say something along the lines of "come here little monkey" in a playful manner while she’s chasing him. I don’t really think anything of it and brush it off. An hour later while we’re getting ice cream the MIL calls him little monkey again.
I kinda take my sister to the side and express my discomfort with the MIL calling her son that and ask her if she’s okay with it. She tells me she’s a little peeved by it too but hasn’t really brought it up. The next time the MIL calls their son the term my sister goes to her husband and tells him that both her and I are put off by the nickname. Her husband is understanding and goes to confront his mom about it. I can overhear the MIL saying that she calls every young kid "little monkey" and that she didn’t mean anything by it. She then gives me and my sister the most pissed off dirty look I’ve ever seen from her over her shoulder and doesn’t talk to us for the rest of the outing. On top of that she continues to call their son little monkey.
I feel like I completely ruined the vibe of the outing for even bringing it up and I can tell my sister and her husband feel the same awkwardness. 😭 Now Im thinking I put some unnecessary tension between my sister and her MIL. AITA?
MIL probably *didn’t* mean anything by it – it’s very common to refer to little ones as “monkeys” in North American culture. But I think MIL needs to realize why what she’s saying is hurtful (even if she doesn’t mean it to be) and stop. Not stopping using that term once she’s been informed how hurtful it is makes her TA.
I’m white and in the UK, and call my kids little monkeys at the park all the time. I wouldn’t call POC kids that though as I would worry it might be taken as racist. Which feels more racist in itself though….!?
Yeah, I often call kids cheeky monkeys, my dogs too, I use it as a term of affection.
Two things can be true at the same time, such as
1. You and your sister are uncomfortable when your nephew is called a monkey as it has negative/racist connotations for you
2. Your nephew’s grandmother calls small children monkeys without meaning anything bad in it
But when grandmother was asked by her son to top calling the child a monkey, she should have stopped. Doesn’t matter what she intended. The child’s parents (and possibly the child himself) don’t want her to call him a monkey, and they asked her to stop. By carrying on calling him that, she I making herself an AH.
So NTA on you, your sister and her husband.
NAH. Her MIL didn’t mean anything by it but she does need to be aware of the problems surrounding calling her grandchild that. You were right to bring it up but it’s think it could have been handled later and part if a bigger conversation with the MIL around racism.
NTA. I’d be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t mean anything by it. But as soon as she was told it was making the parents uncomfortable and asked to stop, she should have stopped, period.
NAH. It’s really common to refer to those little kids who love to climb and are all over the place as “a little monkey”. It doesn’t sound like your SIL’s MIL had negative intentions. She also has the right to explain that it’s not racial. I’m curious if you created this drama and inserted yourself. Your sister hadn’t brought it up and it feels like you egged her on.
I’m also curious how the husband handled it. It’s one thing to say, “Hey, so can you stop with that nickname. For black people, being compared to monkeys was/is a racist thing and I know you don’t mean it that way. I’m asking you to stop. Call him a little teeny mountain goat or something else.” It’s another to just confront and accuse.
NAH.
I’ve been in your MIL’s position. I called lots of little kids ‘monkeys’ but I went to a school with a lot of indigenous kids (I’m a teacher) and my Teacher’s Aide told me that calling one of my boys a ‘monkey’ wasn’t appropriate. I didn’t know about the connotations at all and felt so bad. I thanked her for letting me know and I no longer use that term for \*any\* kid.
I was horrified and embarrassed that I’d used such a racially inappropriate term.
As a white person, yes, we call little kids monkeys because of how they act, not because of how they look. Until I read this, I didn’t even know it was a racial thing. But once it was brought to mils attention, she should of stopped.
My white parents called my white brother a monkey all the time growing up because he was always climbing on things, and I call my white son a monkey sometimes when he’s being mischievous. It wouldn’t even occur to me that the term could have racial connotations. But if a person of color said to me “hey uhhh I’d rather you didn’t call my son that” I would be MORTIFIED and would never call them that again, ever.
NTA.
I tell my kid this all the time: Your impact on others is more important than your intention.
My family calls kids monkeys and munchkins and sillybillies and all kinds of things. It’s entirely possible this is not malicious at all. And no, I don’t think the MIL is at fault for using the term or for not even thinking about whether it could be a problem.
At the same time, it’s entirely fair it makes you uncomfortable etc. and the adult thing to do is to talk about it. And the adult thing for grandma to do is say, “I hadn’t even thought of that. I understand where you’re coming from. I’m sorry, I’ll try to change that, and not use it anymore. But it’s something I’ve been doing my whole life so if I slip please give me some grace.” And you should do so.
So NTA, and grandma isn’t the AH for using the term, but is an AH for her reaction.
My white kids have been called “cheeky little monkeys” a lot so it’s very likely it was said an innocent manner but I absolutely think it’s fair to ask them to stop saying it.
I was leaning NAH until I saw how she responded, and now I’m NTA.
It’s common in a lot of places to call children “little monkey” – I would and have said this to my own child. Given I’m not racist and wouldn’t ever think to attach that phrase in a racist manner, I can easily see myself saying that about a non-white child (before I read this post).
If someone called me out for doing so, I’d be MORTIFIED. I’d spend the next year of my life apologising and ensuring the parents understood I meant no harm. In 20 years time I’d still be waking up once a month thinking “remember when you said that” and wanting the ground to swallow me whole.
The fact that she kept doing it after being told by the parents that it wasn’t ok proves she is 100% the asshole.